Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

[vaguelyvexed]

Hi all,

long time lurker, first time actually posting so go easy on me 😂

i've read this place for YEARS without making an account but i've finally caved because i've gone round and round in my own head.

Basically last night i found out my husband had been messaging another woman. I wasn’t snooping, he left his phone on the sofa and went for a shower and the message popped up

Before anyone asks, no they weren't explicit. No meeting up (as far as i know). No declarations of love. Nothing like that.

She was quite a bit younger than him, and what i can't seem to get out of my head is that she's almost the same age i was when we first got together (21) he had 2 DC already now 17 & 14 and we have 4 together, our eldest together is 11 and i got pregnant with him quite quickly into the relationship

He says it got out of hand, he's apologised, showed me everything that was still there, blocked her without me asking and has basically done everything i'd have wanted him to do afterwards.

But i still feel rubbish and was got a busy house, six kids in total and pets and it being school holidays and he's doing shifts so i'm trying to keep everyone alive until September 😂 so it's not like i've got loads of time to sit dwelling on it, but i still do. We’re due to go away on friday and i think maybe a week would do us good but I don’t know if im mad for even considering going. I haven’t told anyone which is why im finally posting here after being a lurker for years

am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time

Happy to answer questions if i've missed anything because i almost certainly have. Please be kind if you can

Oh, dear. I was on the side of you overreacting until I read he is LE and he was texting in the middle of the night. As the wife of a high ranking LEO, I have seen first hand (not my DH that I know of) how these seemingly harmless flirtations can get out of hand. Lots of times the unpredictable or unusual working hours make extra marital situations easy. He is flattered by the attention of the young (in this case, very young!) woman and he knows he is playing with fire.

His kids play on his phone, he left his phone on the settee next to his wife. He had a few days worth of messages he hadn’t deleted. You can’t just make up scenarios. He acted guilty because he knows he was getting something from it. It may be nothing more than an ego boost, a bit of excitement. It’s completely wrong of him to do it, but the truth is there’s nothing that incriminating. The worse part of all this is his reaction. He could have easily passed it off as politeness

Not directly no. He's not her manager or anything like that as far as i understand it.

From what he's told me she's on one of the trainee programmes and they just ended up working together now and again. I don't think he has any say over whether she passes anything or progresses.

The thing i'm struggling with is that blocking her doesn't actually change the fact they're still going to see each other at work. He's still going to work and she'll still be there. I know realistically people work with people they've had awkward situations with all the time but my brain keeps going round in circles with it.

He's actually still at work now for another hour or so and i'm sat here on my phone while the younger ones are finally in bed just overthinking absolutely everything.

Half of me thinks maybe i'm catastrophising and the other half thinks i'm being far too calm about it all.

I honestly don't know which is worse at the moment.

The cynic in me says that he will not stop contact with her, he will not stop messaging her, and he will not stop seeing her. Blocking her in front of you means nothing. He can unblock her at the drop of a hat. And he will...

Sorry @vaguelyvexed This is an affair brewing, if it's not one already.

When a middle aged man is sniffing around another woman, and flirting with her, and sending messages, that his wife is not privy to, it's never 49 year old, 'size 18' Kelly from Accounts is it?

Always a much younger woman - young enough to be his daughter, and slim and athletic.

OP this is just odd and inappropriate behaviour. If they are working together now and then it makes it even more strange to strike up this texting situation.

I'm guessing here that they are both the same rank but she is a trainee and there is an imbalance of power here. She is a trainee who will be seen as impressionable and vulnerable.

And just remember he will minimise everything so you haven't got the full picture here.

He’s done this before. Do you want to spend the rest of your life on high alert to his inappropriate behaviour?!
Your circus. Your monkey. Your choice.

I am not making up scenarios.

I am saying that the messages on his phone are just the messages on his phone. There could be others that have been deleted, and no one except the two of them know what their work conversations are like.

So it could be innocent but equally it could be dodgy as hell. If it was me I would have to assume the latter given that this isnt his first rodeo.

Wow that’s definitely not ok. He could probably get in trouble if he is more senior than her!!!!! What on earth is he thinking telling a colleague they ‘make him laugh’… come on now. It’s clearly inappropriate and unprofessional at best.. it’s also a betrayal.
They’re never texting bald Dave from accounting that he really makes them laugh…
Absolutely not ok and he’s lucky you’ve not asked him to move out at least temporarily.

Side note - I have a friend who said the phrase inside the police is ‘join the force, get a divorce’..I get the impression from her there’s a huge culture issue in the police around this sort of behaviour.

I’m 43 and the thought of him being my age and “getting carried away” messaging a 21 year old knocks me sick. What the fuck is he looking to do? “Just” get his ego stroked? Trade in for someone ten years younger every ten years? He wants to grow up.

I wouldn’t want the kids to miss out on a holiday either OP but I’d also find it really hard to be around him.

Whatever the outcome, he has broken your trust. This will impact YOU far more than him. You will always doubt him, and it will eat away at you and eat away and make you miserable. Once the trust is gone there is a loooooong uphill battle to try and overcome that hurdle. And you BOTH have to want to overcome it.

Whatever is or isn't going on between them, the fact is that he has destroyed your peace of mind. How do you feel about that?
I think you need some time apart, could you take the kids on holiday by yourself to give you a bit of breathing space? If not, could you all go and you go off for a day or two on your own?
You don't need a knee jerk reaction to this, you need to think through how it will make you feel long-term. Peace of mind rarely returns once it has gone, are you prepared to live with that reality?

By it's not the first time, a few years ago - in 2022 our relationship wasn't great anyway, he was distant and we argued a lot and I found out he was subscribed to a woman on only fans and was messaging her - he was adamant nothing happened with her (she lived in the US) or anyone else and said he just had a high sex drive. That was his excuse although he wasnt trying to Initiate sex or anything. We briefly split for a few months and then we had an honest talk and he said he was struggling mentally but it took him a long time to admit it to himself but in the end he did go to therapy and had some time off work

After that things did get better and we had our youngest and things are great so I don't get it, our relationship is great etc.

He didn't mention us in the messages but he does have a profile picture of us and the dc on WhatsApp which she’d see as he has it set as contacts only and she did mention something about his boys looking like him

That’s not what’s he said. She was 21 when they met. His kids are 14 and 17 NOW.

A. Lorry drivers are all doggers apparently
B. Women love a uniform

I’m not so sure about that.
I have 2 close friends in the Police force.
From what they tell me, affairs are rife.

he was adamant nothing happened with her
So he obviously doesn't count messaging other women as a big deal? Even though he is a married man and presumably your marriage is supposed to be a monogamous one? The very fact he subscribed to only fans rather than work on your marriage would indicate he us not really invested in your relationship.

I'm afraid if you try and get past the messages with this young woman he is currently interested in it won't be his last rodeo.

So this is a pattern of behaviour? Why did his first marriage end?

If you read the whole thread... I have already noted twice that i misread that the older child was 17 when they met.

The man is still a middle aged predator. The current flirtation is only 4 years younger. He clearly has a thing for very young women. I stand by the basic tenet of my post.

His ex-wife was probably around your age when he ditched her for a 21 year-old (you). Now you’re that age and he’s sniffing around 21 year-olds again. I’m sorry to be blunt but if he finds one that he can groom/persuade into settling for a 44 year-old man with six children he’ll be off like a shot.

You need a contingency plan for that. It’s all well and good to think about forgiveness and working on the marriage and whatever but the fact remains that this is a pattern of behaviour for him. If he finds one willing to shack up with him it’s going to be him making the decision and leaving. Figure out what you’ll do if that happens.

He's a predator. She's 21, he's almost 44.

It's the whole picture, isn't it.

The Only Fans woman
He's old enough to be this young woman's father
He works with her
2am messaging
He acknowledged it got out of hand

I'm a similar age to him. The thought of messaging a young man at 2am, who is 21 years of age, in the context of having children and a spouse... Eesh. Grim.

As 'innocent' as the messages may have appeared, what if you hadn't seen them? And especially since he has acknowledged it got out of hand? When men start with this sort of behaviour it only ever escalates. They never seem to have a moment where their moral compass kicks in. They continue until they're caught, and usually they carry on but get better at hiding it.

So sorry, OP.

Thanks for answering the question OP.

In light of what you have written, I would think about what your personal values are. Then think about what values you need in an intimate partner. This will help you to think about the boundaries you have or should have and you can evaluate if he is respectful of or crossing those.

For example, for many people, his behaviour in 2022 would have been the boundary crossed that they weren't able to come back from.

You were gracious enough to allow him to try and make amends and change. He now appears to be repeating similar patterns of behaviour.

At what point is that too much for you - too disrespectful and too destabilising? You never know if you can trust him or not and it is confusing because as far as you were aware your relationship was now 'great'.

To me, love is about respect. This type of behaviour shows a complete lack of respect. There is a complete disregard for your feelings, and for the wider impact that his disloyal behaviour would have on the family unit.

I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if my partner/husband was cheating on me or having inappropriate conversations behind my back.

You deserve respect. You deserve the stability that comes from being able to trust your intimate partner.

You've totally misunderstood the post

Your husband has shown really poor judgement here. It's always bad to shit where you work and there's the insalubrious aspect of a middle aged man with 6 minor kids having an emotional affair with a barely into her 20s trainee.

He's risking his job and livelihood and family for an ego boost from a 21 year old. Would you stay with him if he loses his career?

@vaguelyvexed How easy would it be for you to leave him? Are you working?
I know what I'd be doing!

I'm sorry, but I think your marriage is over. If not now, it will be when he lines up another young woman for an affair. What you are posting about him isn't promising. You don't have to make a decision now but it would be worth looking at your finances, what you are entitled to in terms of government payments, thinking about family support etc.