Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

[vaguelyvexed]

Hi all,

long time lurker, first time actually posting so go easy on me 😂

i've read this place for YEARS without making an account but i've finally caved because i've gone round and round in my own head.

Basically last night i found out my husband had been messaging another woman. I wasn’t snooping, he left his phone on the sofa and went for a shower and the message popped up

Before anyone asks, no they weren't explicit. No meeting up (as far as i know). No declarations of love. Nothing like that.

She was quite a bit younger than him, and what i can't seem to get out of my head is that she's almost the same age i was when we first got together (21) he had 2 DC already now 17 & 14 and we have 4 together, our eldest together is 11 and i got pregnant with him quite quickly into the relationship

He says it got out of hand, he's apologised, showed me everything that was still there, blocked her without me asking and has basically done everything i'd have wanted him to do afterwards.

But i still feel rubbish and was got a busy house, six kids in total and pets and it being school holidays and he's doing shifts so i'm trying to keep everyone alive until September 😂 so it's not like i've got loads of time to sit dwelling on it, but i still do. We’re due to go away on friday and i think maybe a week would do us good but I don’t know if im mad for even considering going. I haven’t told anyone which is why im finally posting here after being a lurker for years

am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time

Happy to answer questions if i've missed anything because i almost certainly have. Please be kind if you can

Oh, dear. I was on the side of you overreacting until I read he is LE and he was texting in the middle of the night. As the wife of a high ranking LEO, I have seen first hand (not my DH that I know of) how these seemingly harmless flirtations can get out of hand. Lots of times the unpredictable or unusual working hours make extra marital situations easy. He is flattered by the attention of the young (in this case, very young!) woman and he knows he is playing with fire.

His kids play on his phone, he left his phone on the settee next to his wife. He had a few days worth of messages he hadn’t deleted. You can’t just make up scenarios. He acted guilty because he knows he was getting something from it. It may be nothing more than an ego boost, a bit of excitement. It’s completely wrong of him to do it, but the truth is there’s nothing that incriminating. The worse part of all this is his reaction. He could have easily passed it off as politeness

Not directly no. He's not her manager or anything like that as far as i understand it.

From what he's told me she's on one of the trainee programmes and they just ended up working together now and again. I don't think he has any say over whether she passes anything or progresses.

The thing i'm struggling with is that blocking her doesn't actually change the fact they're still going to see each other at work. He's still going to work and she'll still be there. I know realistically people work with people they've had awkward situations with all the time but my brain keeps going round in circles with it.

He's actually still at work now for another hour or so and i'm sat here on my phone while the younger ones are finally in bed just overthinking absolutely everything.

Half of me thinks maybe i'm catastrophising and the other half thinks i'm being far too calm about it all.

I honestly don't know which is worse at the moment.

The cynic in me says that he will not stop contact with her, he will not stop messaging her, and he will not stop seeing her. Blocking her in front of you means nothing. He can unblock her at the drop of a hat. And he will...

Sorry @vaguelyvexed This is an affair brewing, if it's not one already.

When a middle aged man is sniffing around another woman, and flirting with her, and sending messages, that his wife is not privy to, it's never 49 year old, 'size 18' Kelly from Accounts is it?

Always a much younger woman - young enough to be his daughter, and slim and athletic.

OP this is just odd and inappropriate behaviour. If they are working together now and then it makes it even more strange to strike up this texting situation.

I'm guessing here that they are both the same rank but she is a trainee and there is an imbalance of power here. She is a trainee who will be seen as impressionable and vulnerable.

And just remember he will minimise everything so you haven't got the full picture here.

He’s done this before. Do you want to spend the rest of your life on high alert to his inappropriate behaviour?!
Your circus. Your monkey. Your choice.

I am not making up scenarios.

I am saying that the messages on his phone are just the messages on his phone. There could be others that have been deleted, and no one except the two of them know what their work conversations are like.

So it could be innocent but equally it could be dodgy as hell. If it was me I would have to assume the latter given that this isnt his first rodeo.

Wow that’s definitely not ok. He could probably get in trouble if he is more senior than her!!!!! What on earth is he thinking telling a colleague they ‘make him laugh’… come on now. It’s clearly inappropriate and unprofessional at best.. it’s also a betrayal.
They’re never texting bald Dave from accounting that he really makes them laugh…
Absolutely not ok and he’s lucky you’ve not asked him to move out at least temporarily.

Side note - I have a friend who said the phrase inside the police is ‘join the force, get a divorce’..I get the impression from her there’s a huge culture issue in the police around this sort of behaviour.

I’m 43 and the thought of him being my age and “getting carried away” messaging a 21 year old knocks me sick. What the fuck is he looking to do? “Just” get his ego stroked? Trade in for someone ten years younger every ten years? He wants to grow up.

I wouldn’t want the kids to miss out on a holiday either OP but I’d also find it really hard to be around him.

Whatever the outcome, he has broken your trust. This will impact YOU far more than him. You will always doubt him, and it will eat away at you and eat away and make you miserable. Once the trust is gone there is a loooooong uphill battle to try and overcome that hurdle. And you BOTH have to want to overcome it.

Whatever is or isn't going on between them, the fact is that he has destroyed your peace of mind. How do you feel about that?
I think you need some time apart, could you take the kids on holiday by yourself to give you a bit of breathing space? If not, could you all go and you go off for a day or two on your own?
You don't need a knee jerk reaction to this, you need to think through how it will make you feel long-term. Peace of mind rarely returns once it has gone, are you prepared to live with that reality?

By it's not the first time, a few years ago - in 2022 our relationship wasn't great anyway, he was distant and we argued a lot and I found out he was subscribed to a woman on only fans and was messaging her - he was adamant nothing happened with her (she lived in the US) or anyone else and said he just had a high sex drive. That was his excuse although he wasnt trying to Initiate sex or anything. We briefly split for a few months and then we had an honest talk and he said he was struggling mentally but it took him a long time to admit it to himself but in the end he did go to therapy and had some time off work

After that things did get better and we had our youngest and things are great so I don't get it, our relationship is great etc.

He didn't mention us in the messages but he does have a profile picture of us and the dc on WhatsApp which she’d see as he has it set as contacts only and she did mention something about his boys looking like him

That’s not what’s he said. She was 21 when they met. His kids are 14 and 17 NOW.

A. Lorry drivers are all doggers apparently
B. Women love a uniform