Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

[vaguelyvexed]

Hi all,

long time lurker, first time actually posting so go easy on me 😂

i've read this place for YEARS without making an account but i've finally caved because i've gone round and round in my own head.

Basically last night i found out my husband had been messaging another woman. I wasn’t snooping, he left his phone on the sofa and went for a shower and the message popped up

Before anyone asks, no they weren't explicit. No meeting up (as far as i know). No declarations of love. Nothing like that.

She was quite a bit younger than him, and what i can't seem to get out of my head is that she's almost the same age i was when we first got together (21) he had 2 DC already now 17 & 14 and we have 4 together, our eldest together is 11 and i got pregnant with him quite quickly into the relationship

He says it got out of hand, he's apologised, showed me everything that was still there, blocked her without me asking and has basically done everything i'd have wanted him to do afterwards.

But i still feel rubbish and was got a busy house, six kids in total and pets and it being school holidays and he's doing shifts so i'm trying to keep everyone alive until September 😂 so it's not like i've got loads of time to sit dwelling on it, but i still do. We’re due to go away on friday and i think maybe a week would do us good but I don’t know if im mad for even considering going. I haven’t told anyone which is why im finally posting here after being a lurker for years

am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time

Happy to answer questions if i've missed anything because i almost certainly have. Please be kind if you can

Was he together with the mother of his eldest two dc when you got together with him?

If so, I guess that's your answer ...

Aaah x-posted. Funny cos when you said how many kids and him working shifts, plus the implication of cheating (messages at least), I did think police. They can be bad for it as you must know. Good luck getting the truth from him. Whatever else he is, he's likely very good at covering things up and keeping work and home life separate. Sounds like he's always liked younger women too, if you were 21 and he already had 2 kids when you got together. Sorry, OP, I'd find it very hard to trust him.

You said this isn’t the first time?

@vaguelyvexed. From what you've now said, I suggest that he has a penchant for young women and he's looking to start a sexual relationship with this young girl

He will deny this, of course

If I were you id take some time to get proof of finances/investments/pensions/savings/mortgage/
income

As he is senior to her then it is crossing a line and should be reported to his Senior Officer. This is totally inappropriate. So sorry OP.

of course he is a cop

You say this isn't the first time. What happened on other occasions? Is this a pattern of flirting message? Has he actually cheated before?

Why did he split with his DC mum?

The Police is rife with affairs.

I personally wouldn't rush to a decision but reflect, use the holiday to consider options and then decide rationally if you can trust him and keep giving second chances.

Good catch, I never noticed that on first read.

Even if she did, he's reciprocating and responding to her messages. He's got six kids for god's sake and OP is looking after all six of them, including the two that aren't hers.

Maybe he wants to have even more kids and make it a round dozen. He sounds like an unfaithful twat.

@vaguelyvexedoh god, the police service is full of this shit and I’ve known personally two marriages break down because of affairs with younger colleagues. Only a sample of two but I’ve only known two police officers!

Flirty, late night, much younger woman who is less senior. It really doesn’t look good OP. You don’t HAVE to accept this and get over it just because he wants you to.

Had to be police didn’t it with a trainee.

2am messages.

Eugh

This is not a bit of "Flirting" This is an Older Police Officer taking advantage of a Young Woman who he is working with. It is a very serious offence and he could be disciplined.

@vaguelyvexed The very fact he said it "got out of hand" means he knew it was wrong. Otherwise he'd have protested that they were just mates, it was all just banter and the usual shit men say. The Police, NHS and other large institutions are rife with affairs. Of course he was hoping to get into her knickers. Don't be naive OP. Personally I'd forget the holiday and start reconsidering your future, including looking after his two kids.

I don’t know how bad these messages were. Was it general chit chat with flirty undertones?

I do think you can get past this if he has to only messaged flirty but otherwise innocent messages, it doesn’t mean you’re less than but possibly more of an ego boost for him.

not going to lie though I would have real issue with this to. Especially knowing her age. She’s a baby and he must be well into his 30’s if not older. As wrong as it is he’s added an element of sleaze to the mix.

he’s held his hands up, he hasn’t really hid his phone & he’s let you check the messages. If you otherwise have a happy family I would try my hardest to make the relationship work, if it’s a family holiday I would still go. No point in the kids missing out and see how you feel after. If it’s hard to get past I would try marriage counselling and see how you feel after.

I thought that it was frowned upon or even a disciplinary matter for senior staff to get too close to trainees? It is a big imbalance of power and could compromise professional integrity if they are flirting. If it looks like he's favouring her for example.

So it's very foolish and quite seedy. If it's flirty plus. And there must be more to it as he's only admitting to what he has to.

OP is not married to her.

You don’t have to make any big decisions you could end it today, in 6 months, you could agree to stay together and change your mind or you could stay with him for the rest of your life, that is entirely your prerogative . You don’t owe him a decision, intimacy or anything else.
Why don’t you sit with it for a while and see how being with him feels. The holiday is tricky your options are don’t go, ask him not to go, go but be platonic until you are comfortable or go as a couple. There’s no right or wrong answer.
One thing to remember is he only stopped because he got caught. If you hadn’t seen it he would still be talking to her.

One thing to remember is he only stopped because he got caught. If you hadn’t seen it he would still be talking to her

Very wise words.

OP again, I am so sorry.

I’d actually hate him for just blocking her brutally like that. What a horrible man. And that’s before I got around to hating him for how he’d treated me.

Flirty and messaging at 2am when looking after a sick child. Sorry, his heads been turned and it’s an emotional affair. He should have known better (and 21 year Could do him for haressment/misconduct).

So true.

Honestly. If that's all he's said then that really isnt anything! He's pointing out how much older he is ....

YANBU to take flirtation seriously. There's no right or wrong, as far as the holiday goes. You won't be able to forget this overnight and enjoy the holiday as much as you otherwise would have done, whatever you decide. That's his fault, not yours. If he hadn't been an idiot, flirting with someone else, none of this would have happened.

I also wonder what exactly he's done before. Flirted with another woman?

Engaging with your subordinate and much junior colleague at 2 am is not to be dismissed lightly. His reaction indicates he was titillated by it all at the very least. I'd find it very hard to trust this man and even if I was trying I'd still be working on my back up plan, especially re finances.

You are only 4 years older than his oldest child. Which means he is already old enough to be your dad and must have been a predator to have got together with you age 21. Which is grim enough to start with. And now he is engaging in flirty behaviour with someone even younger than his own kids. Revolting.

Let alone the fact that he is in the police and all we know about the endemic patterns of behaviour there. He is in a position of authority over her. Sickening.

This is who he is. A dirty middle aged man who likes to abuse his power.