Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

[vaguelyvexed]

Hi all,

long time lurker, first time actually posting so go easy on me 😂

i've read this place for YEARS without making an account but i've finally caved because i've gone round and round in my own head.

Basically last night i found out my husband had been messaging another woman. I wasn’t snooping, he left his phone on the sofa and went for a shower and the message popped up

Before anyone asks, no they weren't explicit. No meeting up (as far as i know). No declarations of love. Nothing like that.

She was quite a bit younger than him, and what i can't seem to get out of my head is that she's almost the same age i was when we first got together (21) he had 2 DC already now 17 & 14 and we have 4 together, our eldest together is 11 and i got pregnant with him quite quickly into the relationship

He says it got out of hand, he's apologised, showed me everything that was still there, blocked her without me asking and has basically done everything i'd have wanted him to do afterwards.

But i still feel rubbish and was got a busy house, six kids in total and pets and it being school holidays and he's doing shifts so i'm trying to keep everyone alive until September 😂 so it's not like i've got loads of time to sit dwelling on it, but i still do. We’re due to go away on friday and i think maybe a week would do us good but I don’t know if im mad for even considering going. I haven’t told anyone which is why im finally posting here after being a lurker for years

am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time

Happy to answer questions if i've missed anything because i almost certainly have. Please be kind if you can

i’m so sorry, but i honesty wholeheartedly believe you have been groomed. he was 32 when you met. you were 20/21 and had his baby in less than a year. in ten years you have had four children for him, in which time he has flirted with two women that you know of. one is also the age you were when he groomed you, and the other was a sex worker he was monetarily subscribed to. i’m sorry. i feel so so much for you. but you need to know that this man does not love you. not even a little bit. i’m sure you must be so happy with your children, and i’m not trying to minimise their role in your life at all. but he has taken 12 years of your life away from you. you have slaved away having 4 children for a man who did not deserve it. you need to leave as soon as possible. you cannot let him take another second of your life away from you. perhaps the doubts are small now, but they will grow. one day you will leave. and i hope you don’t regret not having done it right now. you’re strong and resilient and you will get through this. take the holiday, relax with your children, leave the hard work to him. taxis, organising, bathroom trips with the kids. relax, take some space privately, and think. do you want to give up even more of your life to a man who doesn’t love you. just think about it. you don’t need to tell him you’re taking space, it will just cause unnecessary friction at the moment and maybe he will do a few good things right now to try to make you feel better about it all. but you need to think about the whole picture. i must be candid, im not a parent or a wife. i’m 20. and im terrified for you. and from the girls perspective, there is no chance she is 100% comfortable with the interaction. my friend is doing a trainee program with the police and she talks about older male colleagues who do this a lot. it’s terrible. i’m so sorry you’re going through this op. it’s time to put yourself first and wake yourself up to the reality of what this man is.

Ohcrap082024 · Yesterday 18:54
So flirty texting a junior colleague at 2am in the morning. One that is only 4 years older than his own dc. Nasty.
I would lay it on the line and lay it on thick. Do it before you go on holiday so it can sink in. Tell him that he is being a fucking idiot to risk his marriage, his career, his livelihood, his personal and professional reputation and most importantly, his children’s stability and happiness, and for what? A flirt with a young woman to boost his ego.
She’s 21. Is she going to take him and his 6 kids on? Is she fuck!
Ask him how he plans to manage his 50:50 shared care alongside his shifts.
Or was he planning on paying CMS for all 6 kids out of his salary?
Give him both barrels and tell him that you will decide if you stay in this marriage. Not him.
Then take time for yourself and think very carefully about what you want moving forward. If you decide to stay in the marriage, make plans for how you can become more financially independent and stable.
There’s no fool like an old fool.

Absolutely this. A 21yr old will not want his 6 kids (in fact a man with 6 kids is not the catch he thinks he is, even if he looks like Harry Kane).

i’m 20 and i’m horrified and deeply disturbed

Because that profession attracts an inordinate amount of scumbags.

He likes much younger women.

His ex wife was presumably about your age when he spilt with her and got with you.

Most men do not leave unless they’ve got someone’s to go to so either you and he had an affair to break up the first marriage or he did with someone else and they split. Then he got with you.

What’s the reason his first marriage ended?

Now he’s had a lot more kids in the mix and still up to the same tricks.

He is flattered and has his head turned. He will still see her at work it won’t just go away. He’s weak and no doubt enjoying the attention.

I think you said you got pregnant at 20 with him that’s very young with him being that much older.

I'd be interested to know what the rate of infidelity is within the police force. Looking at the relationships I know of where one partner works in the police, all but one have ended because of an affair.
Would he be comfortable if you were texting a male colleague in the same way? He seems far too comfortable having those kinds of conversations with someone young enough to be his daughter.
Personally, I wouldn't trust him. I most definitely wouldn't be going away with him!!

Well that - I mean we’ve seen some heinous examples in the news of the misogyny that’s rife within the culture.

But there’s lots of other reasons. Pressurised job and close bonds formed or a feeling that colleagues understand you better. Long hours/ shifts. Provides an easy cover - in my case I never questioned if my ex said a shift ran late or he had overtime etc. Not saying that these aren’t a factor in lots of other professions too, and affairs happen everywhere, but it does seem particularly common in the police.

When it came out what happened with my ex (also a much younger new recruit he was supposed to be mentoring, and in our case the ‘things getting out of hand’ involved him getting her pregnant) EVERYONE who spoke to me about it seemed to have a story along the same lines. My colleague at work’s ex husband was a police officer, multiple affairs. Same from the friend of a friend or the sister of a neighbour. The therapist I ended up seeing (not about this but it came up) used to be a PCSO and saw first hand what it was like, my now husband used to work alongside the police (not in the force himself) and confirms ‘most of them were at it’ in his words.

@vaguelyvexed I’m really sorry, I think you’re minimising this and trying to find a way that it’s not that big a deal. But as others have pointed out, this is a pattern of behaviour and it really really doesn’t look good, if you’re going to stay with him - and I wouldn’t judge, I can’t imagine how hard it would be to leave with 4 kids, but I think you need to do it with your eyes open that this is who he is.

"he was subscribed to a woman on only fans and was messaging her"
If it makes you feel any better, he wasnt messaging HER - lots of OF creaters have people that manage their accounts and reply to messages for them, and even if She was messaging it would only have been to keep him signed up.

Well of course I can!

Maybe you’re not familiar with the concept of a rhetorical question?

Except that any man following and messaging a woman on something like OnlyFans is a nasty slut.

How is that supposed to make OP feel any better?
It's his actions and intent that is the problem, not whether the Only Fans woman messaged him personally or not. He was engaging with a sex worker. That's what the issue is.

The OW was 10 when your eldest DC was born. I couldn't get past that. Yes she's an adult, but to a 44 year old man, she's still a child. It's preditory behaviour IMO. My Dad was 23 when I was born.

Really?
Who messages “a friend” in the middle of the night at 2am, while downstairs looking after their sick child??
Who thinks about “Their Friend” at 2am?

It is often the case tho, that the last person at night and 1st person in a morning who a cheating husband thinks about and wants to contact is his Affair Partner.

I'd be interested to know what the rate of infidelity is within the police force. Looking at the relationships I know of where one partner works in the police, all but one have ended because of an affair.

I wonder if it gets better or worse with the senior ranks? Is an Asst Chief Constable just as bad as a Sergeant?

Op I do not think you are overthinking. It is disrespectful. The police are rife with affairs/marriages to each other. I feel by blocking her it’s just to satisfy you. He will probably find another way to message. The question I would want to know is why? He has form for this op. Either he wants to be a decent husband or he wants to be single he can’t pretend to be both. I would be considering how it’s making you feel and if you need this stress in your life. It’s time for some honest conversation which don’t seem to have happened. It sounds like he has shut it down by blocking her but we know he probably hasn’t.

He's playing you for a bit of a fool.

There's no way he's going to leave her blocked, never explaining anything, especially if he'll still bump into her at work. This is more than an intense friendship, they've been messaging at 2am. It's an emotional affair.

By it's not the first time

But that is what makes it fatal. You forgave him for this before. It's just become fuel for him to do what he wants. He's already done everything you'd have asked him to do because this is game for him; a bit like when my toddler knows he's pushed my buttons at bedtime so puts away his toys and puts his pyjamas on and gets his glass of milk without being prompted. It's a routine. He's done it.

You know what type of man he is. It's your call whether you are happy to live with that; or if you want more. The only certainty is that this man cannot change.

I expect the unease over her being 21 is that you feel replaced, which must be unsettling - but it's also pretty creepy. He's over double her age.

This 👆 I got the weirdest WhatsApp message about 5 years ago saying ‘Hi it’s XX’ we met on a night out in XX (my home town) where I haven’t been in about 15 years. I ignored and blocked him and told DH. I didn’t want him to ever see it and be worried that there was an issue.

Not when one is in a position of authority over the other. He’d be sacked.

Yes, they all may be factors in why police officers behave as they do, but I firmly believe the nature of the job attracts scumbags.

The schoolyard bully who was too thick to go to university or too lazy to do an apprenticeship, but can do a job where they have (literally) a license to continue bullying anyone they want (minorities, women etc) and use their "power" to their advantage.

Just horrible, horrible human beings, I certainly wouldn't marry any!

His 17yo is a daughter, she's not 18 until next year but I think that's also why I'm feeling the way I do as she's only 5 years younger than the woman he's messaging

I would send him away on Friday with his six kids, while you get some time to process what’s happening. It’s really hard to do that when you’re living together and caring for children.

Also, you’ll both get a bit of time to see what living separately would feel like. I’m sure he’s going to want you there to share the childcare load, but it’s possible that’s all he sees you as now, someone to watch the kids, so the housework, cook the dinner etc.

He needs to spend a week experiencing life without you there. But also, you need some time to process.
You can just tell the kids you’re staying behind because you’re ill or something.

Sorry OP but it’s disgusting

I just want to say very quickly, don't put too much emphasis on the fact that he will leave his phone lying around whilst he is in the shower etc
I I thought oh, he is being open with this phone.
Only to realise of course afterwards that of course he was being open with his phone, because he had another one 😥
A phone that I had no idea about, one to which he went to great efforts to hide.

So just be aware, there may be and probably is another phone.

Yes even without a second phone a friend found out his wife was cheating via the family ipad their children used.

She was logged in on Facebook and all her dirty messages, photos and slating of her husband were clear to find on there.

He had no doubts so never checked it. One of their daughters came over to show daddy the photos of mummy. Thankfully clothes ones till he scrolled up the chat.

I used to chat to a bloke for years. We got talking on a thread about cooking and he gave me a recipe for pumpkin pie.
We corresponded for years, yet I never left my husband, he never left his wife, and after a few years we just got bored and stopped texting.
Relax, it's a blow to the ego, and men have massive egos. Don't complicate your life. Let this go. It's a storm in a teacup