Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

[vaguelyvexed]

Hi all,

long time lurker, first time actually posting so go easy on me 😂

i've read this place for YEARS without making an account but i've finally caved because i've gone round and round in my own head.

Basically last night i found out my husband had been messaging another woman. I wasn’t snooping, he left his phone on the sofa and went for a shower and the message popped up

Before anyone asks, no they weren't explicit. No meeting up (as far as i know). No declarations of love. Nothing like that.

She was quite a bit younger than him, and what i can't seem to get out of my head is that she's almost the same age i was when we first got together (21) he had 2 DC already now 17 & 14 and we have 4 together, our eldest together is 11 and i got pregnant with him quite quickly into the relationship

He says it got out of hand, he's apologised, showed me everything that was still there, blocked her without me asking and has basically done everything i'd have wanted him to do afterwards.

But i still feel rubbish and was got a busy house, six kids in total and pets and it being school holidays and he's doing shifts so i'm trying to keep everyone alive until September 😂 so it's not like i've got loads of time to sit dwelling on it, but i still do. We’re due to go away on friday and i think maybe a week would do us good but I don’t know if im mad for even considering going. I haven’t told anyone which is why im finally posting here after being a lurker for years

am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time

Happy to answer questions if i've missed anything because i almost certainly have. Please be kind if you can

Sorry to hear this OP, that must have been awful to find. What is their relationship, how does he know her? What was his explanation for it?

How old was he when you met?

Hiya.
It's not clear what you mean by messaging another woman - not sex and not love so what? Chatting about the world cup? I'm guessing more than that as he said it "got out of hand". And who is she/how did he meet her?

Sorry, OP, must have been a shock to see that. What was the gist of the messages?

I am so sorry.

The woman, how did he get her number, how does her know her?

what had happened?

The problem with blocking means he still has access to her number. Because it will be sat there in his blocked list.

What was the deal then if not love and not explicit messages?

Also how did he come to have this number.

Come on let’s not fly straight down the anti man route and have a bit of balance. How did she get his number? How does she know him?

So there’s no possibility she got his number?

Were you the replacement for the mother of the older 2 kids as In did you have an affair?
if you are you have created a vacancy for a new mistress

if this isn’t the case he clearly can’t be trusted anyway - I’d be done with this however I’m always surprised at what low standards and little respect people have for themselves.

He's the one married to OP - doesn't matter if she messaged first, he didn't have to engage.

Either way. He gave her his number or she gave him her number. That’s how he come to have her number. It doesn’t just appear by magic alone.

If they haven’t met up. How? Facebook? Instagram? X? Only fans? Reddit?

I presume your fear is fuelled by your own history. Was your OH with someone else when he met you?

???

I don't think it is anti man to ask a wife worrying about a possibly errant husband how he came by another woman's details. But you do you 👍

I think you need to know more

How long have they been messaging

How did he meet her. Why is he wanting to chat to someone at all and why someone so young

Did they sleep together

How will you know that he won't message her again

How is your marriage. Do you still have sex

What do you want to happen now. How do you feel

How does he know this woman? What, broadly, did the messages say?

Quite. I message a male colleague from my last job but it really is about football and I wouldn't care if my husband read them.

It depends who she is tbh. Work colleague? The flirty banter or whatever happens in person too. If she is a total randomer from a pub then they should never have exchanged numbers in the first place.

I was a long time lurker too and used to think that it will never happen to me . Until it did .
What you have discovered is only what is shown on the phone . You don't know what has been deleted , what has gone on before , how long this is , how I imitate it's been , etc. You only know what you can prove and he will never admit to anything he thinks you won't find out about . A tale as old as time and very familiar to so many MNrs .
You don't have to do anything straight away . Take your time to think about what you want to do going forward . It's very easy for us to say LTB but it is never that simple and with six kids there is a lot to consider . See where you stand financially. If you want to , consider counselling. But let the next step be led by what you want . Do you still want to go away on Friday ? Then go or perhaps tell him to stay home or he takes kids if you want time apart . I am sorry this is happening to you . It's so soul destroying when someone you live and trust deceives you .

I would find the number and ring it to see what's the deal.

A poster on here said once they don't believe in emotional affair.

Either it IS an affair, and someone is cheating
or it's just a friendship and a jealous partner.

I would agree with that.

He works in the police and she's on one of the trainee programmes (i don't actually know the proper name for it, internship probably isn't quite right but along those lines). As far as i know they've never met outside work and there's nothing to suggest they have.

When i say they weren't explicit i mean there weren't sexual messages, photos or anything like that. It was more flirty? That's the only word i've got for it really.

Lots of joking with each other, asking how each other's day was, conversations that had absolutely nothing to do with work, him saying she always made him laugh, little comments that i just don't think you'd send if it was purely a work friendship.

I genuinely don't care if he has female friends. He works with women, i've never had an issue with that and never will. If he'd been messaging a woman about work or football or whatever i honestly wouldn't have batted an eyelid.

The bit that's really got into my head is the timing of some of them. There were messages at 2am on a couple of nights. One of those nights he was up with our youngest because he'd woken up coughing, and i remember because i'd slept through most of it. So while i'm asleep and he's downstairs with our toddler he's messaging her as well.

She mentioned her 22nd birthday coming up in one conversation which is how i know she's 21 now, and he replied something like "blimey, long time since i was 22 😂". It's such a stupid little comment but for some reason that one has really stuck with me.

I don't know if it's because i was 21 when we got together and my brain has latched onto that or what.

And to the person who mentioned blocking - yes i know technically the number is still there somewhere if he wanted it. I suppose i'm looking more at whether i believe him than whether a blocked list exists, if that makes sense.

Sorry if i'm rambling. My head genuinely feels all over the place today.

You've said what the messages aren't but not what they are. In what sense did it get out of hand? You don't have to say exact content but a bit more context on who she is and the nature of their relationship would be helpful in determining how bad this is. If he's pursuing a woman young enough to be his daughter, that's seriously grim. If he's chatting shit with someone he works with, maybe that's not too bad. There's a whole spectrum in between, but only you know.

This. I exchange messages with more than one ex colleagues randomly. Happy for my DH or their DW to read them, and we occasionally mention spouses. We exchange industry gossip/ ask each other for advice/ knowledge on things.

so: what did the message say, who is she, and were you the affair when you got together?

OK, that is quite shit. Is he in a position of authority over the woman? Does he have any say or influence in her progress at work?

Ah, 2 am texting is problematic IMO.