Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

[vaguelyvexed]

Hi all,

long time lurker, first time actually posting so go easy on me 😂

i've read this place for YEARS without making an account but i've finally caved because i've gone round and round in my own head.

Basically last night i found out my husband had been messaging another woman. I wasn’t snooping, he left his phone on the sofa and went for a shower and the message popped up

Before anyone asks, no they weren't explicit. No meeting up (as far as i know). No declarations of love. Nothing like that.

She was quite a bit younger than him, and what i can't seem to get out of my head is that she's almost the same age i was when we first got together (21) he had 2 DC already now 17 & 14 and we have 4 together, our eldest together is 11 and i got pregnant with him quite quickly into the relationship

He says it got out of hand, he's apologised, showed me everything that was still there, blocked her without me asking and has basically done everything i'd have wanted him to do afterwards.

But i still feel rubbish and was got a busy house, six kids in total and pets and it being school holidays and he's doing shifts so i'm trying to keep everyone alive until September 😂 so it's not like i've got loads of time to sit dwelling on it, but i still do. We’re due to go away on friday and i think maybe a week would do us good but I don’t know if im mad for even considering going. I haven’t told anyone which is why im finally posting here after being a lurker for years

am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time

Happy to answer questions if i've missed anything because i almost certainly have. Please be kind if you can

Got to love 11 year olds! Have you explained how much it would cost for you all to go abroad? I have six kids and had to do this a couple of times so they understood it was "boring holiday park" or nothing!

I think I would go, but have a conversation with him saying that you are parking this right now for the sake of the kids holiday, but you want to have couples counselling when you get back because he needs to realise the impact that his actions have had on your marriage.

I am afraid I agree with PP's that its a known thing in the police. I have/had several police officer friends at various levels who are/were shaggers, so keeping an eye open is essential.

But he was up for a reason. He was up looking after their child. He didn’t specifically get up to text this girl. I ain’t defending him. A man in his 40’s has no business flirting with a 21 yo. But the messages sent are very borderline flirtatious. In if these messages were leaked to his supervisors I doubt they’d do anything about it other than tell him to be careful. You can’t discipline people for this.

Were you also in the police is that how you met him?

I'd not be happy as he fancies her no one just texts at 2am.

He's flattered for sure, I doubt it will just go away.

OP - what did you mean when you said this was not the first time?

I'm inclined to agree with this approach although I'm not sure I'd want couples counselling on my return.

The age difference and the fact he's taking advantage of his position would make me question what kind of a man he was even without the possible cheating element tbh.

I'm frequently up at 2am with my child but I manage to not send text messages to men half my age.

Honestly, this would piss me off if it was my husband but in truth the messages are mildly flirtatious. They’re things you could actually say in face 2 face conversation & no one would bat an eye. My friends find my hubby very funny and they say things like you always make me laugh. You’d ask how someone’s day was etc. the issue is the fact rheyre messaging.

his 2am message sounds worse than it is. He didn’t wake to specifically text her. He was taking care of your son. I’ve done this. Noticed someone was online Facebook etc and had a little
chat.

you have every right to feel pissed off and to put him in the dog house, but don’t cancel holidays or implode your family

@PyongyangKipperbang indeed. Holiday parks are NOT cheap this time of year. This is one of those things kids will realise for themselves when they grow up!

What do you mean 'this isn't the first time'?

Go on the holiday even though it's not ideal because otherwise you are going to have to give a reason why you're not going to the kids and they are going to be really upset. Just focus of having fun with the kids while you're away.

My ex was messaging his direct report like this and like you there was nothing incriminating but it was…just how he used to talk to me…the ease, the flirting. They’d arrange to go to lunch together (cafes etc) whereas to my knowledge he usually went to lunch alone and was never interested in socialising. He started having ‘team meals’ regularly and once he accidentally charged one to our joint account and it was about the cost of a meal for two. He said he paid and claimed it back on expenses and this is just how his business worked. He said nothing ever happened, they just got on well together but he certainly crossed a line and emotionally connected with her. I’d say your husband has crossed that emotional connection line.

And what I’ve learnt is it never just happens, it’s small incremental decisions, to message on work systems, to align schedules, to suggest lunch, to swap numbers, to invest time in the chat, to push the boundaries of the chat with flirting, an after work drink, an after work dinner, a kiss, a few dinners, a hotel together. Loads of micro decisions.

Yip was going to say the same. Sorry OP that's shit, he's shit

I dunno. I don't see anything flirty in what you've posted. And I don't see any issue with texting a friend at 2am, when you're up and awake.

But his reaction is odd.

Well from what i know about the police, with a cousin but more so 3 friends that are all ex military, affairs are notorious!!!

I’m not an anti “men” I find myself anti this man because….

am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time

Not the first time …. ?

He’s the one in a committed relationship with children!!

He's in a position of trust and senior to this young female colleague and he's been messaging her at 2 am! thats very unwise and unprofessional.
You dont say specifically what is making you so alarmed about these messages but that you are unnerved is telling. He said the messaging "got out of hand",in what way and why?
He's blocked her and my guess is that will have caused offence and this may not be the end of this sorry tale. Im sorry he's put you through this.

My honest view is that he is a sleaze and I'd be leaving him.

But if you're a SAHM then I think your best option is to go away for the week, try and make the best of your relationship for the foreseeable and think about how you can get yourself into a stronger place to be a single mum when he inevitably does it again.

You are complaining that he is being blamed and not the kid he's talking to - he's the one (potentially) cheating so he is the one she should be concerned about

I wouldn't!
There's a whole big murky space between interacting with another woman just like he would with another man (innocent frienship) and having an affair.
In that murky space exists the flattery, the over sharing, the flirting, the moaning about the primary partner, the excessive head space the person occupies, the excessive contact, and concealing all or any of the former from the primary partner.
When a person is in the murky space they may not yet have done anything unforgivable and there's a chance to row back and save the marriage. That won't happen if they don't admit the space exists and frame anything less than an affair as just a jealous partner.

He is clearly into her and it only stopped because you saw the messages. How far would it have gone if you hadn't? Do you think you can keep "policing" it every couple of years from now until eternity if he's not the faithful type? I'd be sending him to therapy/couples therapy as to me, this is cheating (emotional) but still cheating. He needs to learn not to cross the line and catch it early and speak about it and avoid further opportunities to get tempted.

Nah if she’s happy to chat up a married coworker she’s no better.

@vaguelyvexed sorry you’re dealing with this.

This is an abuse of position by your DH and he will know that. If he's not careful he will loose his job as well as you.

I would have to call time on this relationship. He is aware of what is at risk from both a home an professional point of view. His decision making and moral compass is off - it probably has always been and always will be.

So you know they are working colleague she's a young intern , they may work shifts, possibly, and are messaging each other outside work, but haven't to your knowledge met up.outside work . Whether or not it's innocent friendship doesn't actually override the fact that's it's inappropriateness for an older male more senior person to encourage a friendship like this . I think youu have ground to call him out on his behaviour but not to accuse him of any infidelity. I think you should discuss it but allow him to apologise and agree he was in the wrong, and to confirm the number is blocked and that he won't do.ut again. Try not to spoil your holiday over this. It may be nothing.ro fret over, unless your gut tells you it's more.

Flirty type messages to a trainee less than half his age is as bad as it sounds, especially since you know he likes younger women and this has happened before. They're texting at 2am. That's gone past a work friendship, which it isn't because there's such an age and power imbalance and went into emotional affair territory. He likes the feelings she gives him.

He comes off sleazy and opportunistic when it comes to younger women. He's got the knowledge to hide much better, so he probably will.

If you're not working, time to get a job and make sure you can support yourself on case you get blindsided by him or he fucks up at work with some young woman.

so he acknowledges it got out of hand...

what does that mean?

Where would it have gone if you hadn't found the messages?

I'd ask him what he got out of it and why he was continuing to cross a line that he knew would be hurtful to you? Imagine if it was the other way around, you were texting an 18 year old at 2am and chatting regularly about this and that, mild flirty texts. How would he feel?

And what will he do when he goes back to work? He's going to see her again... he can say what he wants but the trust doesn't suddenly build on someone's words. You thought you could trust him but he allowed something to get out of hand...

Does he really want family number 3? With another 22 year old? He appears to have form - is that something he should work on? Rather than you?

I'd be very uncertain after this OP. Uncertain of him and what you mean to him. Uncertain of him as a character. He can say everything and anything to reassure you but why would he be continuing to interact with a woman half his age when he's got SIX kids.

More than anything TRUST your intuition. If you can't let it rest, then trust that feeling and let it surface.

I'd go on the holiday and as PP said, say to him you're parking it for the sake of the children but it's unfinished business and you need more from him when you're back.