Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

[vaguelyvexed]

Hi all,

long time lurker, first time actually posting so go easy on me 😂

i've read this place for YEARS without making an account but i've finally caved because i've gone round and round in my own head.

Basically last night i found out my husband had been messaging another woman. I wasn’t snooping, he left his phone on the sofa and went for a shower and the message popped up

Before anyone asks, no they weren't explicit. No meeting up (as far as i know). No declarations of love. Nothing like that.

She was quite a bit younger than him, and what i can't seem to get out of my head is that she's almost the same age i was when we first got together (21) he had 2 DC already now 17 & 14 and we have 4 together, our eldest together is 11 and i got pregnant with him quite quickly into the relationship

He says it got out of hand, he's apologised, showed me everything that was still there, blocked her without me asking and has basically done everything i'd have wanted him to do afterwards.

But i still feel rubbish and was got a busy house, six kids in total and pets and it being school holidays and he's doing shifts so i'm trying to keep everyone alive until September 😂 so it's not like i've got loads of time to sit dwelling on it, but i still do. We’re due to go away on friday and i think maybe a week would do us good but I don’t know if im mad for even considering going. I haven’t told anyone which is why im finally posting here after being a lurker for years

am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time

Happy to answer questions if i've missed anything because i almost certainly have. Please be kind if you can

Sorry but your story has no relevance to what is happening in OP's marriage.

I think you need time to process this. You should send him alone witb the kids and be open and honest (unlike him) that you need tome to decipher what to do next. Basically he doesn’t care about you and expects you to be “absolutely alright with his emotional affair”. Yes let that sink in ! He is chasing another woman putting all his energy into her not you. Are you afraid of loosing him for him ?

How are you doing, @vaguelyvexed?

I’m not surprised you’re feeling the way you do. It’s all a bit grim. His daughter, his children will lose all respect for him if he pursues this. Take the upper hand and make own plans to leave him. He can’t be trusted and life is too short to waste it on someone like him.

Thanks for asking ❤️

Honestly i don't really know if i'm honest.

Yesterday was a bit of a blur. We talked again once the kids were in bed and i asked him everything i could think of. He answered everything, didn't get angry, didn't tell me i was mad for asking the same things again, just kept saying he knows he's broken my trust and that he's sorry. But I still don't really understand why though.

Things haven't been bad between us. We haven't been arguing, we spend time together, we still have sex, we actually get on really well which almost makes it harder because if we'd been miserable for months i'd probably be sat here thinking "well i saw that coming” but it feels like it's come completely out of nowhere.

We're still meant to be going away today. The kids are ridiculously excited so unless something changes we're going. It doesn't seem fair for them to miss out because of something they've got absolutely nothing to do with.

I'm hoping a week away gives me a chance to get out of my own head a bit.

@vaguelyvexed I think it's okay to not 'get out of your own head'. I hope you find some time to think all of this through and that your kids have a nice holiday.

I think you are trying to process something that doesn’t make sense. When you are happy in your relationship why risk it all for an ego boost. That is not something you can answer as you aren’t the person who made the decision to emotionally cheat.

I would ask him to reflect (perhaps have some therapy) to understand why he would risk everything that matters for something he is telling you doesn’t. It’s not good enough to say sorry, because sorry doesn’t stop it happening again (or continuing). Only real accountability and a desire to change, without you watching him like a hawk, will lead you to feel safe again. I couldn’t move on without the why and only he can work that out.

This. Tell him your trust can only be restored if he seeks professional help to understand why he is driven to do this. He might gain some insight. OTOH, I do think men are culturally conditioned to feel entitled to pursue whatever titillates them so it might not be that deep at all. Talk to him about male privilege and get him to read some feminist literature. You do have to consider the possibility he just might not have the motivation to change though.

I’m not convinced about therapy in this case, he did it because he could, and whilst he’s sorry he got caught I doubt he’s sorry he did it.

He doesn’t need a therapist to tell him he’s in the wrong.

Hard as it is, I would insist on him having an STI test