Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

[vaguelyvexed]

Hi all,

long time lurker, first time actually posting so go easy on me 😂

i've read this place for YEARS without making an account but i've finally caved because i've gone round and round in my own head.

Basically last night i found out my husband had been messaging another woman. I wasn’t snooping, he left his phone on the sofa and went for a shower and the message popped up

Before anyone asks, no they weren't explicit. No meeting up (as far as i know). No declarations of love. Nothing like that.

She was quite a bit younger than him, and what i can't seem to get out of my head is that she's almost the same age i was when we first got together (21) he had 2 DC already now 17 & 14 and we have 4 together, our eldest together is 11 and i got pregnant with him quite quickly into the relationship

He says it got out of hand, he's apologised, showed me everything that was still there, blocked her without me asking and has basically done everything i'd have wanted him to do afterwards.

But i still feel rubbish and was got a busy house, six kids in total and pets and it being school holidays and he's doing shifts so i'm trying to keep everyone alive until September 😂 so it's not like i've got loads of time to sit dwelling on it, but i still do. We’re due to go away on friday and i think maybe a week would do us good but I don’t know if im mad for even considering going. I haven’t told anyone which is why im finally posting here after being a lurker for years

am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time

Happy to answer questions if i've missed anything because i almost certainly have. Please be kind if you can

Only Fans is a an online prostitution site. Of course, that's when you realised he cheated and that's when you should have left.

Oh well, he'll just keeping doing it then, you already know this. You can either ditch the creep, or tolerate it. Obviously, he won't change.

He’s a sleaze .

@vaguelyvexed Read your posts back to yourself. Count the number of times you explain/ defend/ excuse his behaviour. Count the number of laughing emojis you've used. Count the number of times you've started a sentence 'the thing that bothers me...' Maybe also count the number of times he has strayed...

If this were your friend or your daughter describing her marriage, what would you say?

OP why not let him take the kids away on holiday and have some time to yourself to think about how you feel about your relationship more broadly and this in particuler. If possible go stay with a friend or get a hotel or cottage by the coast or wherever would feel restorative.

I do see how that sort of messaging could be just enjoying having his ego massaged a bit without any intention of it going any further, but I also think acceptance of that is the start of a slippery slope into having an affair. I don't think you're over reacting at all.

He's already been caught messaging at least one prostitute on Only Fans, the prostitution website. She turned a blind eye. These are the two times he's been caught but of course they're not all he's been getting up to. Nobody at all gets caught the first time.

He'll keep cheating, whether online or in real life, and OPs choice is to keep turning a blind eye (which I think is her plan) or leave.

You are not over reacting, OP

Thank your DH for blocking the woman and also ask him how he would feel if you were texting jokey comments to hour 21 year old work mate at 2 am while up with child?
Would that be appropriate?

Tell him to practice his flirty texting with you and to leave the young ones to joke about with their own teenage brothers.

Remind him that he is an old guy and should be setting an example of respect and solidarity to his teenaged children.

i fear there have been more you don't know about
you need to find a mate of his at work

What I dont understand is if a man is in a relationship and he has stress at work, or life is getting on top of him, does he turn to have sex with someone else?.
Surely this would cause more stress.
You see this as an excuse by men , all the time on Mumsnet.
I worked with policemen and the younger ones are all at it so to speak, but some older ones were very settled in thier relationships.
I hope everything goes well for you OP but I would never trust someone who texts someone late at night.

Is his 17 year old a daughter or a son? When is their 18th birthday? Point out to your husband that his female colleague is 4 years older that his eldest child.

Wake up @vaguelyvexed

This is a lecherous man, waiting to cheat on you, if not already done so.

He's making a mockery of you. Develop a backbone and send him packing.

Where did you get the fact she was a prostitute from?

He’s likely flattered that a young woman is messaging him. Nice little ego boost. What’s gross is that she’s not much older than one of his kids and I’d remind him of that. How would he feel if his kid was messaging an older friend? From the young woman’s side, she probably has a crush on Mr Police and finds it amusing to text him and get his attention. It’s all very pathetic and I’d be having serious words with him. Cut it out or we are done!

she's almost the same age i was when we first got together (21) he had 2 DC already now 17 & 14

He's gross. Why would an adult man - presumably in his 40s? - be interested in a young woman half his age.

Yuk.

Good luck @vaguelyvexed but it doesn't look great. Maybe he'll come to his senses if you lay out what he stands to lose.

Do you not mean 4 years older than his eldest?

Good luck @vaguelyvexed but it doesn't look great. Maybe he'll come to his senses if you lay out what he stands to lose.

Of course he will. Of course he'll come to his senses

He'll replay 2022 because he knows it works

Maybe they'll have another baby. After all. He is highly sexed and needs it regularly

And you know what? If @vaguelyvexed wants to believe he's a good man and wants to keep the family living together, is that SO bad?

We're all different.

What would YOU do if you had 6 kids and a good financial set up?

Me?

I'd cut his fucking dick off and feed it to the crocodiles and then take him for every last cent he has. The nasty, cheating, lying, manipulative cunt

As I say, we're all different

😊

Yuck. Blue light seediness

"Why would he be interested"? Can you really not fathom the reason?

If I have understood correctly, the OP is hoping to fix this without ending the relationship?

Hi Op sending love and hugs 🫂 I agree with the majority that this isnt good, the age gap is concerning and also the "blocking her straight away" he could easily just be saying that speaking from recent experience 😞 my stbxh said this and it was all bs. its really hard and you will be in a weird limbo now not knowing if your right to be suspicious, its just your anxiety or theres more to it. Its a horrible place to be. I will say please trust your gut and your intuition as its always right . I would still go on holiday dont let this spoil it for the kids. When you are back you need to get ducks in a row and do some more digging and monitoring. Try to discuss it with him but watch out for the gaslighting its common. Or making it out your the problem. I hope your ok xxxx

This.

Police force is a cesspit of affairs and this looks like the start of one.

He’s in the police, it won’t be the first or even the second time and it definitely won’t be the last!
My exh was in the police, multiple affairs. He used to tell me about all his colleagues having affairs too, it’s common place in that profession

Anyone would think lawyers, doctors, engineers, estate agents shop workers..don't have affairs? Can't see how police makes it more likely.

I'm sure all other occupations have affairs too, but it seems particularly prevalent in the police force.

Yes I agree. Personally I found it really disgusting. We’re in our 40s and if my husband was texting a 21 year old at 2am there would be no coming back from that for me. Seems so many women have such a low bar when it comes to what they think is acceptable. I mean would she think it was ok for her to do the same? If not then why is ok for him?

This.
He’s enjoying having his ego stroked. It would give me the serious ick in any case but if you can get over that and want to remain married then you do need to draw some lines here and make sure he understands that this must never happen again.