Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

[vaguelyvexed]

Hi all,

long time lurker, first time actually posting so go easy on me 😂

i've read this place for YEARS without making an account but i've finally caved because i've gone round and round in my own head.

Basically last night i found out my husband had been messaging another woman. I wasn’t snooping, he left his phone on the sofa and went for a shower and the message popped up

Before anyone asks, no they weren't explicit. No meeting up (as far as i know). No declarations of love. Nothing like that.

She was quite a bit younger than him, and what i can't seem to get out of my head is that she's almost the same age i was when we first got together (21) he had 2 DC already now 17 & 14 and we have 4 together, our eldest together is 11 and i got pregnant with him quite quickly into the relationship

He says it got out of hand, he's apologised, showed me everything that was still there, blocked her without me asking and has basically done everything i'd have wanted him to do afterwards.

But i still feel rubbish and was got a busy house, six kids in total and pets and it being school holidays and he's doing shifts so i'm trying to keep everyone alive until September 😂 so it's not like i've got loads of time to sit dwelling on it, but i still do. We’re due to go away on friday and i think maybe a week would do us good but I don’t know if im mad for even considering going. I haven’t told anyone which is why im finally posting here after being a lurker for years

am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time

Happy to answer questions if i've missed anything because i almost certainly have. Please be kind if you can

Yes you’re right, but why is this??? Lorry drivers etc don’t have such a bad rep

I think he sounds like a creep, creeping on her.
You have every right to be deeply unhappy.
There are a lot of children involved so you are right to give this serious thought.

You have every right to be suspicious that he could be on the prowl for opportunities.

Do not be gaslit that this is normal, acceptable, or professional.

This woman may well put in a formal complaint about him; especially now he has abruptly cut her off. And she may well have grounds.

Any mention in the messages of you or his family? I don’t think blocking is good enough, he will just unblock or see her at work.

If she’s working shifts too then messaging at 2am might be because she’s on a grub break. If he’s up why not reply? So long as he wasn’t neglecting your child.

I should say I’m the daughter of two police officers so did get very used to the shift thing and doing things at weird times. I think she would be called a trainee and the person she’s paired with her tutor constable. At least that’s how it used to be.

And also how did he get her number 🤨

Lorry drivers definitely do. Long distance ones have all the stories of a women in each place they arrive too.

Dodgy meet ups at the service stations and most dogging areas are lorry lay-bys there is a big cross over.

Totally rife in the police. This is how my stbxh is my stbxh. Started as you said, him more senior showing her the ropes, then the messaging began, she was always at the top of his WhatsApp list whenever I got a glance. Then he started coming home later after back shifts. They started meeting up in car parks after work. He obviously denied it til the very end but they live together now so that’s all I need to say really. I’m so sorry op, maybe you caught it in time but honestly I’d want to know if she’s on his team, the same rota? He should know better and was obviously enjoying the attention
edit: spelling

it's because they all work rosters. My friend was convinced her husband, the pilot wasn't shagging, but yes, like all of them he was.

He worked his way through three cabin crew, made one pregnant and then ended up with a female pilot

Oh dear. As she’s a probationer, is he her trainer? He’s an idiot to be messaging her in a flirty manner. My DH used to say that everyone he knew on shift had gone ‘over the side’. Possibly the emotional headfuck of the constant shit they encounter encourages trauma bonding? Blowed if I know, but it was people in their 40s, not the current probationers/youngsters.

If possible, can you go on holiday, assuming you’re taking all 4 of your shared dc, so 4 under 11 and the help will be useful. I don’t think I’d be able to simply ignore the situation and I’d be cold with him, but why should you miss out on the holiday?

Sounds like you found it just before it strayed into affair territory. Thats what would worry me, if he is open to this with her....who else?

He was planning to cheat. Where else would it lead?

You say it’s not the first time?

It isn’t the first time? And you’ve only been together 12 years or so?

Might be a long time since he was 21 but it’s only 4 years until his eldest DC is!

Very problematic imo.

He doesn't message his male colleagues at 2am because he doesn't fancy them.
Shady as f##k.

I think you may be being a little sensitive.

There doesn’t seem to be anything untoward in the messages and you’ve not given any examples of the ‘flirting’.

Me and my colleagues regularly text each other, we also meet up and go for drinks and meals etc.
The conversations are rarely about work, we just happen to get on and it’s nice chatting to people who have similar interests etc.

Her age wouldn’t bother me, in fact I’d feel more at ease over it as most 21yos don’t want to get with a much older man.

I think the blocking etc was very unprofessional and he could have easily reduced contact without going to that extreme.

I would definitely still go on the holiday and just keep this in the back of my mind.
We do have a gut feeling for a reason but sometimes that gut feeling is wrong.

Did he cheat on his first wife with you?

Because they usually work in a male dominated environment and they egg each other on. Lorry drivers spend huge amounts of time alone.

My ex was a fire fighter and it was like my lovely, caring DP had been brainwashed over night when he started. The messages of ‘banter’ on his phone between his crew that I found was beyond disgusting. He had a complete personality change and most importantly, he hated me just for existing. He cheated on me whilst on a work night out, then I found out it was several times. He had the audacity of blaming the crew for encouraging him as if they whipped his dick out, they definitely egged him on but he did it himself. This was a few years ago now and I’ve recently been in touch with another ex partner of one who’s DH cheated on her on a work night out too. She said there’s at least two others she’s knows of in the same watch. Then after I booted him out several of his crew slid into my DMs!

I know he’ll have always had it in him but they brought it out and it was like a switch. They aren’t all like that because there was one lovely lad on his crew who didn’t participate and he got punished for it, got the shit jobs like cleaning the toilet and was called a degrading nickname. But a lot of them are.

"am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time"

This is what stands out to me. More info would be helpful in order to get better advice.
But, on the surface, my instinct says, at the very least, he has emotional "affairs", if you very, maybe not crossing the proverbial line, but fulfilling or testing something and that could become a slippery slope. If you are uneasy then a flag is raised.

None of this is going to end well. Even if it was a large commercial company this would be a grave offence.

I would say more likely 40s. OP met him 12 years ago when she was 21 as she has an 11 year old with him. He had a child now 17 so was 5 then. If he was 30 with 5 year old then 43 now. I'll go for the nice symmetrical 42. Twice the age he likes his partners to be.
OP is looking after 6 children, which is heroic. 2 of them step children. He works shifts and flirts with 21 year old subordinates and risks losing his job and the family income, which is not heroic.
TBH, I think the OP is being remarkably calm about the situation.

When we first met he was separated from his ex but not divorced yet our relationship was just casual until I found out I was pregnant with ds1 (contraception failure) and we got together officially. I was 21 when I gave birth and turned 22 the following month. 4 kids together later and I'm 33 he's 44 this year

I just don't know where do go from here. He doesn't hide his phone the DC go on it for example and he just left it on the sofa yesterday while he went for a shower and I went on it to sense myself pictures of the DC from the weekend which he'd taken (and kept forgetting to send him). I'm inclined to not want to go away but then it's unfair to make to dc miss out especially our 4 who have already ‘missed out’ on an abroad holiday when the older 2 have just got a back from a week away in Greece with their mum and DS1 has already gone on about how it's unfair they've gone abroad and they're “just going to a boring holiday park” in his words

You have taken the words out of my mouth.
They are renowned for cheating etc - power / control thing isn’t it.
Texting a much younger woman flirty messages in the early hours of the morning - no and no.
Why block her when he could just delete her number?
Sorry OP.