Found messages last night and we’re due to go away Friday, am I overreacting

[vaguelyvexed]

Hi all,

long time lurker, first time actually posting so go easy on me 😂

i've read this place for YEARS without making an account but i've finally caved because i've gone round and round in my own head.

Basically last night i found out my husband had been messaging another woman. I wasn’t snooping, he left his phone on the sofa and went for a shower and the message popped up

Before anyone asks, no they weren't explicit. No meeting up (as far as i know). No declarations of love. Nothing like that.

She was quite a bit younger than him, and what i can't seem to get out of my head is that she's almost the same age i was when we first got together (21) he had 2 DC already now 17 & 14 and we have 4 together, our eldest together is 11 and i got pregnant with him quite quickly into the relationship

He says it got out of hand, he's apologised, showed me everything that was still there, blocked her without me asking and has basically done everything i'd have wanted him to do afterwards.

But i still feel rubbish and was got a busy house, six kids in total and pets and it being school holidays and he's doing shifts so i'm trying to keep everyone alive until September 😂 so it's not like i've got loads of time to sit dwelling on it, but i still do. We’re due to go away on friday and i think maybe a week would do us good but I don’t know if im mad for even considering going. I haven’t told anyone which is why im finally posting here after being a lurker for years

am i making this into something bigger than it actually is because i'm in my own head too much? but also this isn’t the first time

Happy to answer questions if i've missed anything because i almost certainly have. Please be kind if you can

Yep, I think he could get in trouble at work. Also remind him that he would t be so attractive if he had 6 kids living with him which he needed to look after, what 21 year old wants a bunch of
kids which aren’t theirs

Well sounds like the beginnings of an emotional affair and the fact that she's only 21 makes it seriously gross. Sorry OP.

Apart from being disloyal to you, he's risking his career and pension if HR find out - what a lovely husband.

I was just castigated on another thread for saying 'I don't trust my husband, I don't trust anyone, including my dc'. Just saying.

Hes chatting to a younger colleague at 2 am in a flirty manner when he should have been caring for one of his many many children, and you think it really isn't anything?

Raise your bar

but also this isn’t the first time

Cheaters gonna cheat.

What I'm seeing , op , is that you're now in your 30s and you're beginning to see his past (and present) behaviour for what it is. This is understandably making you question him as a person.

I'm sorry , it's a shitty situation to be in. Especially when there are children involved.

You are only 4 years older than his oldest child. Which means he is already old enough to be your dad and must have been a predator to have got together with you age 21. Which is grim enough to start with. And now he is engaging in flirty behaviour with someone even younger than his own kids. Revolting

She was 21 when she got together with him. Their eldest child is 11 years old so she is >= 33. The step children are teenagers now so were 3 and 6 when her eldest was born.

Definitely

If this young woman is a trainee, then that makes your husband senior to her? Does she report to your husband? If that's the case, then your husband has opened himself up to being accused of sexual harassment. Regardless if the police is rife with affairs or not, it means there's a large power imbalance and a relationship of this kind wouldn't be allowed. Your husband could find himself in the shit at work.

How old is your husband OP? If you were 21 when you got together with your husband and your eldest is 11, that makes you around 32. Your husband had children when you first met, so I'm guessing he's probably 10 years plus older than you? I'm asking because it does seem your husband potentially has a liking for much younger women. It's relevant if you got together with him, whilst he was still with his children's Mum? It means that, he has form.

Somewhere along the line, your husband and this young woman have exchanged numbers. If she asked for his, he could have said No. If she gave him hers, he didn't have to accept it. If he asked for hers, then she may have felt obliged to give it to him. If he gave her his, again, she may have felt she had to accept it. I can't see a trainee deciding to give a more senior officer her number or asking for his, to be honest. It's pretty brazen, to ask a married man for his number!

He's now blocked her, out of the blue, no explanation. That's pretty heartless, and probably tells you all you need to know. She's a pretty distraction, to him, and not much else.

He's sorry, only because he got caught! If you hadn't caught him, the likelihood is, he'd have carried on!

Take some time to think about what you want to do. Don't rush into any decisions right now.

The police . fire service and pilots allll shaggers

Were you the mistress when you were 21? Affairs in the police (I suspect it's the shift work) are rife. My dad was one (married three times), I married one (we both cheated) and I had an on/off 'friendship' with one for two decades that started when I was 17.

You are only 4 years older than his oldest child. Which means he is already old enough to be your dad and must have been a predator to have got together with you age 21. Which is grim enough to start with. And now he is engaging in flirty behaviour with someone even younger than his own kids. Revolting.

You'd want to do those sums again.

I think people are jumping to conclusions on quite vague information. Texting a colleague isn't necessarily an issue. The OP has (understandably) not given details. 2am .... Are none of you insomniacs?

I wouldn't be texting a subordinate at 2am, no.

So not only is he married, and messaging someone significantly younger, she’s also a junior colleague in a hierarchical organisation.

It sounds unwise and unimpressive on several levels.

He's not just risking his relationship, he's risking his job. What a pathetic man. I am so sorry op.

I am guessing he must be at least in his 50s by now?

With a friend not a new work colleague or my supervisor and him as the superior should know better and shut it down for fear of accusations.

Who could have possibly predicted he’d turn out not to be a trustworthy partner for the long term eh?

It’s very unwise of him, for all sorts of reasons.

How old is your husband OP?

I’d say he’s had his head turned he’s flattered by the sounds of it….

Was he already married and had an affair with you?

I misread it that the oldest was 17 when they met. Either way, I am willing to bet, this man is a LOT older than OP. He has form for liking young women. And the rest stands. This is a middle aged predator in a position of authority.

C&P.

I misread it that the oldest was 17 when they met. Either way, I am willing to bet, this man is a LOT older than OP. He has form for liking young women. And the rest stands. This is a middle aged predator in a position of authority.

Not the first time.
Significant age difference
He’s in a position of power over her.

What a prince.

So flirty texting a junior colleague at 2am in the morning. One that is only 4 years older than his own dc. Nasty.

I would lay it on the line and lay it on thick. Do it before you go on holiday so it can sink in. Tell him that he is being a fucking idiot to risk his marriage, his career, his livelihood, his personal and professional reputation and most importantly, his children’s stability and happiness, and for what? A flirt with a young woman to boost his ego.

She’s 21. Is she going to take him and his 6 kids on? Is she fuck!

Ask him how he plans to manage his 50:50 shared care alongside his shifts.

Or was he planning on paying CMS for all 6 kids out of his salary?

Give him both barrels and tell him that you will decide if you stay in this marriage. Not him.

Then take time for yourself and think very carefully about what you want moving forward. If you decide to stay in the marriage, make plans for how you can become more financially independent and stable.

There’s no fool like an old fool.