AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

She clearly wants the same surname as her children. Perhaps the compromise is for your dp to agree for the children to change their surnames to whatever name surname his ex would change it to

The obvious solution is for him to take your surname, but presumably he wants to keep the same surname as his kids.

It's a minor irritation that comes with not being the first wife, I guess. Hopefully this is the worst you have to deal with in being a stepmother!

It's of course up to you whether you change your name or not, but it was her choice too. It's not a choice I would make, but I do sympathise with mothers wanting the same name as their children. As you're marrying someone with children, their mother is now a part of your family too, in my opinion.

YANBU to feel uncomfortable about it. I can understand why she wanted to keep the same name as her children, but it is odd to keep it once she has remarried.

Ultimately, there isn't much you can do, but I do hope it doesn't cast a cloud over your wedding. You are about to become a unit and build a new life together. Their relationship is in the past.

but it's not his name because he still has his - it's her name. she changed her last name when they married, so it became hers as well and it still is. it's not a temporary timeshare thing where she only had it on loan with his permission.

what she chooses to use as her last name is her choice and nothing to do with you. it has no effect on you getting married to your dp and it doesn't change anything for you.

unless your dp's last name is something like mr gurtwhistlesmithbyduster the chances are you are not going to be the only 'mrs x' in the world!

There's no way I'd change my name so that it was different from my children.

It's the downside to being "the second wife".

This is very high on the "this is ridiculous" scale.

Assuming DPs name is NOT the only one in the world, how will you cope with all the other people in the world with that name

Why not double barrel?

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep HER surname.

Fixed . Once she changed her name, it was her name. Your DP has no business deciding whether she is ‘allowed’ to keep it if not. Fucking cheek!

He had the privilege of the children having his name, why should his ex now adopt a different name to her kids? Change the name she has been known as at work etc etc?

This is a downside of women labelling themselves to match a man.

If you don’t want to share a surname with her but want a shared name with your DP perhaps your DP could become excited to take YOUR name?

Can you double barrel yours with your current surname? Maybe get your husband to as well?

If my ex ever remarried, not a chance I’d give up my surname. The surname I had had for 20 years and the surname my children have.

It’s absolutely none of your business what she calls herself.

I never changed my name on marriage but there are definite downsides to not having the same surname as your kids.

she isn’t going to change it
you can’t make her

Yes I agree, or you both double barrel both your names. That way you both have the same name and both parents have a name in common with their children.

You can feel whatever you like, but it’s not her fault and she’s done nothing wrong. Very normal for women to want the same name as their children, and it’s not as if their marriage will be erased for her just because he’s marrying someone else now. He’s not a possession you’ve taken ownership of.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about

what a cheek. He was “fine about it”. Too right. It had bugger all to do with him

I have the same surname as my ex . We are both happily remarried.

I wanted the same surname as my children. And that mattered to them too. But also after 10 years with that name I very much felt it was my surname. I don't even associate it with my ex, it's just my name.

It’s not his name - It is and was her last name long before the possibility of you ever existed.

Are you going to be like this every time reality hits you that everything he’s doing with you, he’s likely done with her first?

YABU

She’s lived with the name for a decade, many women keep their name. Honestly to me it’s proof that changing your name for marriage is stupid.

Easily solved. He can take your surname when you marry.

Have you been married before @Bride2bbbbb ?

Agree. With hindsight I would never have changed my name in the first place. But after changing it once I really don't want to change it again. Plus (trivially) I just like the name

Why don’t you just keep your own name or double barrel?

OMG, the children are now expected to comply with this patriarchal sexist nonsense? Why the hell should they have the inconvenience of a surname that doesn’t match their BCs? To satisfy a presumption that women must have men’s names and only married women are allowed the label of their partner?

I changed my name as I wanted the same name as my kids. Especially for travelling so we have same name on passports. I wouldn’t change it again. Also it’s a hassle and couldn’t be bothered changing passport, drivers licence, bank etc!

Having seen the difficulties of a mum travelling on occasions with children with different surnames, there’s absolutely no way I’d have a different surname to my young children myself.

Your partner could agree that the children’s surnames could be changed to his ex’s new married name too. That way mum gets to still have the same surname as her children.

But I’m sure he won’t agree to that.