AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

To be honest why is this even a thing in your mind. Leave her alone and mind your own business. What she chooses to do is of no concern to you. Get on with you own life.

Yes - you are being unreasonable. That is her name.
perhaps if it is really bothering you then you could discuss both you and your husband to be’s names?

as someone else already said - why not double-barrel?

Why does whether someone cheats or not have anything to with what surname they have?

It's totally and utterly irrelevant.

Just get your new DH to change his name to yours.

I can never understand women changing their name in the first place tbh; these issues always arise. I was excited to marry my husband not give up my identity and become another person. Remove yourself entirely from the debate, their politics, and remain your own person.

Same here! But I’m guessing from reading this thread that it depends on your social circle as there are lots of people saying they don’t know anyone who kept their name. The phrase ‘maiden name’ is ridiculous in this day and age. Each to their own I suppose, it just baffles me.

Actually op you have it the wrong way around. As she had the name first, she is sharing it with you.

Op, how are you coping with him having children with someone else? With him co-parenting? With them having such a shared history?
I wonder if this bothers you, if those other things do too?

Why not keep your name, or you both double barrel? Why are men’s names so untouchable? 🤦‍♀️

I always regret changing my name infact my Italian husband was shocked as women don't in Italy! I would double barrel your name or actually not change it.

Not trying to be unkind but you do sound a little bridgerton level old fashioned. It’s probably a very practical reason that she’s keeping the name and her choice to do so without your approval. Also, being giddy about relinquishing your own name to take a man’s sounds pretty old fashioned also tbh. Just take it. No one else will give it a single thought.

Sorry but you are being ridiculous, its her name which she shares with her kids. Focus on your own life and marriage

I didn't change my surname after divorce. At one point there were, in fact, three of us given the same surname, by the same man. The first Mrs C died, I'm the second and kept the name as it was the same as DDs. I will change it to the same as DP and our younger DC on marriage, which we are finally getting around to.
Honestly, the fact that it irritates the 3rd Mrs C, who was the affair partner is just a bonus! Don't get with a married man, if you dont like sharing the surname! Although I'm sure that isn't the issue in your case. Still, if you really don't like it, don't get with someone who has been married before.

Truthfully though, I haven't been known as MRS since the day he walked out, I changed immediately to MS and I like it.

Should his mother change her name too? What about his daughter?

I wonder why women are so quick to change a surname on marriage but then so reluctant to change it again? Best way is to never change it and everyone keeps their birth name.

Lol. Of course not, tgey havent divorced him

It’s not ‘his’ name. It’s her name. She can quite literally do what she wants.

The same that my surname is not my dad’s name, it’s my name. I didn’t change it when I got married because it’s my name.

Why would she change it when it’s her kid’s surname? You e literally given the reason in your post. If they had no kids then I’d agree with you.

Nah, you're being unreasonable.

I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So you'd understand it if she had a relationship with his family but you think she should change it even though it's the same as her kids?

I don't think you're thinking about this rationally, surely it would be way worse for her to just keep it because she had a relationship with his family rather than because her kids have the same name, and she has the strongest relationship possible with them, she's their mother.

I think you may have more important things to worry about other than his ex's surname. Doesn't even matter really. it is also a big pain in the arse changing your name.

You could insist all you want but you couldn't make him change it.

Surely we all share our surnames with lots of people.

Triple insist ? Is that a thing? Is this an effective strategy for something you have no control over? 😂 . You don’t DESERVE to keep a name , it’s individuals choice . OP sounds precious and controlling .