AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

I think it's a bit weird being "excited to be Mrs bbb" once you're older than a teenage doodling on a schoolbook.

It's not his name, it's hers. One she uses professionally and shares with her children. And it was hers for many years before you met him.

Presumably it's also his mother's name, and possibly SILs' and aunts' names too. There are plenty of Mrs bbb in existence.

She is not keeping his name for the sake of it, she wants the same surname as her kids, that’s very clear and very reasonable.
Its not just “his” name, it is also his kids’ name, his parents’ name, and every generation that came before them, and unless it’s an incredibly unusual name, it will also be the same name as lots of other people around the country.
Try to attach less significance to sharing “the name”, and more significance to sharing the marriage. You are choosing to legally spend the rest of your life with someone, that’s the part to be excited about.

Well it was a choice to give your children their father’s name, so you didn’t have to change your name to match your children because they didn’t need to have a name different to yours to begin with.

I kept my surname. It has been my name for 26 years and our son has the same name. It’s my name. OW was very pissed off about this but that’s a her problem I’m afraid. I’m absolutely not going through the rigmarole of changing it for anybody. However, I wouldn’t remarry under any circumstances and that is the only reason I can think to change it. I can see why she wants to keep the same name as her children though. Maybe your husband can take your name instead? I think you’re being unreasonable.

This is what happens when you marry someone who's already been married, surely? It is her name now, and I understand her wanting the same name as her children. My child has my surname and while I'm not married, I wouldn't have changed my name either way.

I don't really understand why you're excited to change your name... what an odd thing to be excited about. Why is Mrs X any better than your own name? Why not ask your partner to change his name to yours, then you'll have the same name and it'll be different to his ex-wife.

Good grief, never look in a phone book!

Yes you are very unreasonable. Unless your DP has an extremely rare name, there are probably loads of other Mrs bbb's out in the world. Do they bother you too? Her having this name doesn't affect you whatsoever. His ex has no control over him from sharing his name. I probably wouldn't want to change my name again either as there are just so many things that would need altering - passport, driving licence, bills, insurances, email address, bank accounts...it's endless and I wouldn't want the admin.

This won’t go well for you @Bride2bbbbb. 1) she has contact with his family, his children. 2) her job has no bearing on her right to a name 3) you will share a surname with lots of people.

why doesn’t he take your name then problem solved?

You are being bridezilla have you shared your joy of his / your new name with his kids ?
Are his kids involved in the wedding ?

unless its a rare name their are literally thousands of of people with that name so said kindly , get over yourself

focus on your happiness and the kids and its totally irrelevant if she fucked her pt or not

Our kids have my surname. I didn't change it on marriage and saw no reason that they would use his. Especially as his first wife kept it and then the woman he had a long term relationship changed her surname by deed poll to that name after he left her...

My DH’s ex wife still has their married surname and it doesn't bother me in the slightest! The only time it was tricky was when she hadn’t changed her address at the doctors because she was having investigations done and it would mean changing docs and a letter arrived to Mrs Xxx which I opened thinking it was for me! I messaged mil who still keeps in vague contact with her and asked her to pass on my apologies and I left the letter to be collected from the in laws.
Im assuming she kept the name to be the same as their daughters and also it’s an expensive ball ache changing your name as a married woman (I still have my bank and passport in my maiden name as it’s a hassle to change!) so even more expensive as a divorced woman as it has to be done via deed poll!

You're being very silly.

But if it bothers you that much, just keep your own name. There's no mention of DP caring about having the same surname as his kids, so if he wants the two of you to have the same one more than he wants the kids surname, he could have yours.

Once she changed her name it was hers, it wasn’t on loan from him. Does he have a mother with the same name, is that okay with you? Change your name or don’t but your opinions on his ex continuing to use the name are wildly sexist.

The whole "taking husband's name" thing is ridiculous.
I'm Spain nobody changes their name and the kids take both surnames. No problem.

I really, really don't get the need to be Mr and Mrs Same name.

As to your question OP, I think you're on a hiding to nothing. She has no reason, desire or obligation to change.

I really regret taking my dh's name even though we are still happily married. Looking back, I didn't consider enough the rationale behind it. Same as being "given away" and the connotations of "Mrs". I wish he had taken my name or we had come up with a compromise or just kept our names. With hindsight, excitement over becoming Mrs HisName feels a bit disappointing. I should have known better.

Anyway, of course she shouldn't feel compelled to change her name from the name she changes with her dc. This isn't her winning in some way.

I understand your feelings about her keeping her name which you associate with being married to your DP, but your reasoning is way off. It is her name, she shouldn't have to change her name again, just because it makes you feel insecure.

Your husband should take your name of this is an issue for you. But I’m guessing he won’t as he wants the same surname as his kids. Just like his ex-wife does.

A solution is for your husband to change his name to yours so you are Mr and Mrs Maiden name or come up with a new unique married name together you both share - you can pick anything. If he thinks it is hassle to change his name or weird being different from his children then that’s exactly position his first wife is in.

You don’t need deed poll to change your name when you get divorced, just your divorce paperwork and birth certificate.

OP you’re unreasonable to expect someone to change their name because you’re getting married.

It’s her name and has been for a long time.

You are being entirely unreasonable.

It’s her name. That she shares with their children. Yabu and bitchy about her job.

maiden name or married name you share it with all sorts of people around the globe. If you both want to be unique make up a surname and both take it.

I think it comes down to some people having baggage to bring to new relationships and whether it's something that you're prepared to take on. That's a very personal decision but you can only really make decisions on what you do, not what the ex does.

She hasn't kept her ex husbands name, she's decided not to change her own name.

My Mum didn't change her name post divorce despite the fact that she loathed my Dad at that point. Why should she, it had been her name for 25 years. It wasn't her ex husbands name, it was hers.

You need to get over it OP. It's nothing to do with your husband or you.

She said she wanted to keep the name so it’s the same as her kids. Sorry OP there’s really no need to try out any other reasoning here you know why she wants to keep it and it’s her name and has been for a while. If you’re excited to have your new name too you should continue to be excited about that. Him having children with her is a pretty big reminder that she exists and was there first and is just the reality of 2nd marriages. Enjoy the big day when it comes.

This. Or let him take your surname.

Of course you're unreasonable expecting the first wife and mother of his children to change her name because you now want it as well as him.