AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

Well, she will be Ms bbb you will be Mrs bbb.

It is a bit weird her keeping the name. What will she do if she gets pregnant again? Give her next child her ex-husbands name?

I have a cousin who had a child from a previous relationship when she got married so went double barrelled and the children from marriage 2 had the husbands name. She shares surname with all children even when they don’t with each other.

Genuine question, what happens when all these kids with double barrel names have kids, do these kids then have four names, and their kids have eight and so on?

As the second wife this is something you just need to accept.

I took my ex husband's name when we married 20 years ago and I chose to keep it when we divorced a year ago as I would hate not to have the same surname as my children, and that had been my surname for almost half my life. I'm not even considering dating etc at the moment but if I remarried when the kids were young I would still keep my current surname, I'd probably think about changing it if I remarried when the kids were adults though.

Have you mentioned your concerns about it with you partner? He could always take your surname or you could both double barrel your names but he might also want to keep the same surname as his children. How old are the children?

Wait until it dawns on OP that he’s had children before!

I didnt think women changed their name anymore - none of my friends did and we are all about 20 years in

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable

'Probably' and 'slightly'? 🤣🤣

It's HER surname, that's why she's keeping it!

Maybe it is because it is a reminder of the fact that he has been married before. But that is the reality, so you need to make your peace with it

Obvious solution is for him to change his name to yours? Or invent a new name. Or find something important to worry about.

Good question 😁

Each generation takes the name of both parents and have two official surnames for practical and legal purposes.
Most people can name up to eight of their surnames, going back up the family tree, but only two are used.

Also you can decide which order to put the names. Traditionally it was dad name first, but now people choose.

I wasn’t arsed about this when I married DH. Someone else’s name had zero relevance to our relationship.

He can take your surname. Then you two will have the same surname.

But he will then have a different one from his kids which I can under he might not want, just as his ex doesn't want.

If you take his surname yes you will share it with his ex, you will also share it with children who aren't yours, how do you feel about that?

Are you hoping yo have children and if so what surname would you want for them?

I kept my maiden name. He has no ex wife but in my mind Mrs Husband's Surname is his mother. I am not his mother. I also didn't want to give up my name, which I share with my sibling and is, at risk of stating the obvious, my name. That and the reasons around patriarchy, and all the admin.

I do know couples who invented new surnames - a mash up of both of their maiden names which saves the hassle of being double barrelled.

In your shoes, I’d go double barrelled or just not take his name?

@Dentisttoday
@TheAnnoyingSatsuma

I know a couple (well the wife) where he took her name on marriage and as part of the divorce settlement she got him to agree to revert to his “maiden” name.

Was she wrong with not wanting that knob having her name?

Double barrel your new surname, maiden- married.

What are the chances that there are other people out there with your husband's surname so you won't be the only Mrs BBB anyway.

I have the same inital and surname as h's exwife. It was no big deal when she was alive and even less since she died.

🙄

Stop thinking about it. She wants to have same surname as the DC which is understandable. Let it go. Focus on your upcoming wedding. His Mum will likely be Mrs bbb and any SIL too so it really is a non issue.

I kept my married name to be the same as my children and also because I knew the new wife ,who was the result of an affair , would be seriously pissed off 😂

Don’t change your name. I never did, never would. If you have kids, give them both names.

You have options don't you. Keep your own name or double barrel your names so he has his name as well as yours my late Mil was divorced longer than she was married never changed her name and she wanted to keep the same surname as her children, which is fair enough.

It’s her name now not his. It’s not a loan.

She wants the same surname as her children.

Why doesn’t your fiancé change his name or let her and the children all change their surname to either her maiden name or her new husbands. I bet he wouldn’t though.

I totally get her reasoning and she’s been upfront about her reasons for wanting to keep it. It’s irrelevant whether their marriage was happy or not and clearly your DP was more than happy for her to take his name at the time. To change your name costs money and if she works in retail she probably doesn’t see that as a priority. Plus it’s just easier having the same surname as your children when you go through airport security and such like. My advice would be to let it go and move on.

This and why doesn't OP keep her maiden name?
That would help to maintain her separate identity.

I hope that marriage isn't going to be a big disappointment for you OP. Being excited to become a Mrs Hubby (but only if the previous wife gives up being called Mrs Hubby) is a bit OTT or maybe I am too old and cynical.
In the context of becoming a step mum / wife no. 2 this is a very small issue and you could be in for a lot worse, taking on a man with kids.

YAbvu

I call myself 'the present Mrsbbb'.