AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

It's her legal name, she didn't just lease the name now has to give it back.

It’s not ‘his’ name though, it’s hers!

I understand that it seems to matter to you, but they have kids and a past together, why actually should she change her name?

Frankly, it's none of your business.

It's her name now, too. It matches the surnames of her children, which seems to be important to her like it is to a lot of women with children who changed their name to their husband's. So leave her alone.

And ftr, I didn't change my name when I got married. But I will die on the hill of saying people can choose the names they want to have married or not, man or woman.

No way would I change my surname to a different one to my kids. No way. Aside from the faff it involves, I want the children I gave birth to have the same name as me. Just get over it. Your DH is a bit thick if he doesn’t understand it. You are a second wife, that’s a risk you take.

She wants to keep the surname of her children. Get over it. It's got nothing to do with you.

It’s absolutely none of your business what she calls herself.
This.
Even if she didnt have children it is naff all to do with you what her name is.

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her
Seriously? Getting excited about having his name?

What are the downsides? I didnt change my name either and dont see a downside.

The name does not belong to him. It is her name, that she shares with her children. YAB VERY U to expect her or the children to change it. If you want a different married name, that’s between you and your husband. He could take yours maybe? Or make up a new one?

You sound like a teenager, OP. Grow up!

There's about 10 Mrs Mclaren's in our family!

But dh only has one wife.

When i got divorced, I tried to drop my married name....wanted to in fact...but all my professional qualifications were in my married name and it turned out to be very difficult. It's harder than you think. Why dont you just think of it differently....yoy'll be the real Mrs bbb . She wont.

Why don't you create your own name for the two of you? It could be a combination of both your names or just something you both like. That way his name belongs to the past and you two can start afresh. I think taking your DP's name these days sound Victorian, but that's just me.

He could just take your name.

One of the many reasons I've kept my own name through 2 marriages. I think this taking on a man's name is a load of outdated patriarchal bullshit.

Why on earth are women still acting like Victorian chattels and slavishly adopted men’s names? It’s utterly batshit.

Just keep your name, it’s 2026, not 1926, why do you want to act like a possession?

Why don't and your partner double barrel, or keep your own name. Lots of women do these days.

I can't believe how many people still change their surname when they get married. Personally, I find it a bit embarrassing, like a symbol of possession by the husband, rather than an equal partnership. I'd much rather keep my own identity!

Absolutely THIS

I’ve had zero problems having a different surname to my kids when traveling, this is basically a myth.

YABU. It’s her surname.

Your fiancé could offer to agree to change the children’s surnames to XW’s maiden name and then she might be willing to change it back.

Or, get over yourself and take his surname as planned and understand that he existed before you were with him and he has a past that includes an ex wife.

Don’t feel too bad, this is quite a common feeling, but one of those people don’t talk about much.

It can feel very uncomfortable at moments like these when you can’t ignore that he’s been married before.

Another time this comes up is pregnancy. I’ve worked with many women who suddenly find themselves jealous of step children, ex partners or just that their partner has done it all before.

I can understand people wanting their family to all have the same name. But I can't believe how many women still change their surname and how it's still almost always women changing their names or keeping their names, rather than men changing.

My husband changed his name to mine when we had a child.

It raised a fair few eyebrows even in our fairly liberal circles. We still get a lot of post addressed to Mr & Mrs Husbands Maiden Name.

If people want equality on this then they have to actually take action on it, and move forwards to get men to change their name, rather than always women having to make the decision to change or keep.

My husband was surprised how much faff and admin it has been to change his name - women have to do it all the time!

Keep your own surname then. It's 2026, you are allowed to do that!

It annoys my DH's first wife more that I have the same name as her and her kids now as people often assume I am their bio parent.

Same, I’ve only ever seen this said by people who don’t actually live it.
My children have a different name to me, I’ve flown with them and without their father countless times any there has never been one single issue.