AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

Double barrel your surname with your husbands?

If she has children with him I totally understand her and the reasons behind it.

You are a bit bonkers. I kept my ex-husbands name because after 12 years of marriage it was my name. It was my daughters name. After 6 years as a divorcee I recently remarried and my new husband took my name (which is also my ex husbands name). This keeps us all on the surname for travelling, also I keep my professional name which is very important to me.

This surname is really common - think Jones or Smith so hardly ground breaking. I did not discuss any of this with my ex-H.

Could you both double barrelling be a solution? Ultimately you can't help how you feel about it but nothing much to be done about it either.

YANBU to feel odd, but the obvious solution is to keep your name or double-barrel. I agree with others this is nothing to do with the ex-wife and it would be wrong to ask/expect her to change her name. My husband and I both kept our own names and our kids are double-barrelled, it works well for us!

So he takes YOUR name, you both have a double barreled name or you just get over yourself.

As someone with a double barrelled name, think carefully about that option.

Admittedly the first name in mine is also a gender neutral first name which means a lot of people assume it’s a middle name.

Also soooooo many forms don’t recognise hyphens and we either have to pick one or squish them together.

While it’s never caused an issue (yet) the one that annoys me the most is airlines insisting your name matches your passport and then not allowing hyphens ….

Also, everyone assumes we’re not married.

Keep your name. Problem solved.

And yes, you are being a bridezilla. So unreasonable.

You need to come to terms that you will always be SECOND. Your children will not be his first children. You will always be his second wife, not the first. If you have a problem with that, you must be either a teenager or extremely immature for your age.

Names aren’t out on loan and any of her reasons are absolutely none of your business.

I kept my married name after I divorced because my maiden name was 'foreign' and Jewish and I got teased a lot about it. My married name is a very common surname which needs no explanation.

I feel differently about my maiden name now so, in hindsight, I should have gone back to it but I have the same surname as my kids and I can't be arsed with all the admin to change it.

One of the reasons I married my fiancee quicker than planned was because I wanted to have the same name as my baby when it was born (we were engaged for 3 years prior to conception but marriage wasnt a priority). No one would ever ever make me change my name from that of my children.
If you are lucky enough to have kids youll understand.

She kept her name after divorce. It's legally her name, not just a name that she was borrowing while she was married.

It's totally understandable wanting the same name as her kids.

His surname isn’t a piece of jewellery he bestows on one woman at a time. And in fact, you’d have no more chance of getting a ring back off her than you do her name!

Yet another reason it’s quite mad to change your name on marrying.

Wait until you have kids and you remember she did that before you too!

It is her name, not his. She chose to use it and no one has the rights to a name. You have other options: keep your current surname, he adopts yours, you choose one together, you double barrel etc.
Whatever you choose, unless the name is something incredibly unusual, no one is getting you mixed up.

I would never give up the same name as my kids if I divorced my husband. Would t be looking for anyone’s permission to do so either

I don't have children, but when I got divorced I didn't change my name back.

It's such a fuck on to change DL, Passport, banks, cards, pensions etc. I just kept it for nearly 10 years until I married again.

ExDH married his affair partner and mother of 2 of his kids after 18 months divorced. I bet it pissed her off too. But it was purely inconvenient to change it and meant nothing to me really.

You've got some hard miles ahead of you @Bride2bbbbb if this is allowed to get under your skin.

There will be weddings, grandchildren, birthday parties, and so on for many years to come. She will continue to be a fixture in your lives for many years to come through the children.

I think you need to think very hard about how you will handle all of these and not let it get under your skin.

Are you planning on having children?

For a lot of people they have their exs surname longer than they have their maiden name. It’s an outdated tradition why should women have to give up their name. I kept my exs name and regret taking it in the first place. The reason I kept it is because of the children. The obvious answer is don’t take his name he can take yours if you want to be the same.

She wants the same name as her kids - situation may change if she has more children but I don't think it's unusual to want that.

She may also not want to shear hassle of changing names again - what ever happens I wouldn't be bothering to do it all again.

Our surname pretty rare in UK- to point all people with it are related - but it's not so unique there are not many other Mrs Surnames - so I think you are being odd.

Just checked ‘See all’ to see if the OP ever returned - of course she didn’t once she realised this thread wasn’t going the way she expected! Really bloody irritating when posters do that.

I agree in principle but it was only just over an hour since she first posted.

DP has.

DD has my surname (I'm Dad). DP (Mum) doesn't share it. (Long boring reason why, I'd do things differently if DD was born now)

DD looks a lot like me, and very little like her Mum. She's the same general height and build as her, and a similar lip shape. But other than that, she's basically the spitting image of my Mum.

Three times over the years DP and DD have been away together, and been asked either by hotel receptionists, or passport control what relation they are. And DD has been questioned on things before they were happy that they were mother and child. By the third time, DP actually got a bit upset about it.

You've been with DP for 8 years. They were married for 10 years. So (assuming no overlap) it's been her name for a minimum of 18 years. It is literally HER name. Your OH didn't lend it to her. Stop being ridiculous.

Just keep your own name. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Exactly.
It's not his name, at this point it's her name and her childrens.