AIBU to feel odd about sharing my married surname with his ex?

[Bride2bbbbb]

I’ve been with DP now for 8 years. We are due to get married in a few months

His ex wife after their divorce chose to keep his surname. They were married for ten years although for around 4-5 years of this they had a generally unhappy marriage where she was having an on/off affair with one person.

They did actually discuss her dropping his name at the time of the divorce and she said she wanted to keep it so she had the same surname as the kids which he understood and was fine about although his understanding was when she got remarried she would drop it then. At that time she was also in a ‘new’ relationship with on/off affair person. DP and I got together a few months after they had separated

She has since married this person and has continued to keep DPs surname. Hasn’t taken new husbands surname in any way at all

I know I’m probably being unreasonable but it’s slightly taken off the excitement of taking DPs surname once we are married - I will literally be the same Mrs bbb as her. I will also add that this will be my first (and hopefully only) marriage so I am obviously still using my maiden name - so hence the excitement at having a married name. I know one of my first excited thoughts when we got engaged was I’ll be Mrs bbb!!!

I could also understand her keeping it if she was in a ‘professional’ role and known for her name - like a doctor, dentist, barrister etc but she works in retail and has been at her current job a very short time. I’d also understand it too if she had any sort of relationship with any of his family but she has zero contact with any of his family

So yes I know I am possibly being slightly unreasonable and possibly a bit bridezilla about it but I have literally nobody to offload to about it. DP has the same thought as me that he thought she would drop his name or amend her surname to take his surname additionally once she remarried but it definitely does not look like it’s going to happen

Double barrel yours?

YANBU but neither is she !

I have my married surname still - dont want to pay for a new passport !

FWIW... ive been questioned when flying alone with my children when our passport names didnt match... and again when they did after I renewed my passport. Everything would be easier if they just put the parents names in the childs passport somewhere!

Back to OP... you can chose whiatever name you eant to use. You dictate another person changes theirs.

It's her name.

Call yourself Mrs Smith the Second, or The Current Mrs Smith.

Will the groom not change his surname? If he'd be fine with wife number one not having the same name as her kids, the same should be fine for him also.

What about your husband allowing his ex to change the children's surname to the surname of his exs new husband? No? Because he wants to share the surname of his children right? Same deal. It's a name. It really doesn't matter, just enjoy being Mrs BBB and don't give it a second thought.

Would you want to change your name and be Mrs CCC when your children are Master and Miss DDD and all the issues it brings with going on holiday and having to take birth certificates/letters away , dealing with the schools /doctors etc with surname changes and people not engaging brain and asking if you're mum or someone else because you don't share the surname?

I’m sorry your DP was upset, but being asked questions on three occasions, and everything ultimately being fine, is really very minor indeed compared to the hassle and patriarchy upholding of a woman changing her name. Though of course DD could easily have had her surname…

Question for all the “I would never change my surname so it’s different to my children” camp:

My parents didn’t marry. I was given my dad’s surname, and grew up with a different surname to my mum. Is it really so bad having a different surname to your kids? If so, why?

YABU and you can’t change it so let it go. Do you intend to have children by this man because that will also likely be marred by his previous first children. As PP have said downstairs to being a second wife.

It's a second marriage issue. I have two friends who had the same first name as the first wife too.

He should double barrel his name to Match both his children and you. You keep your name. If you have a child they get the same double barrel name as dad, or just your name and half of dads new name. This is the most sensible solution .

But there could also be a Mrs BBB who is NOT your DH's ex wife who lives down the road?

I am biased as I think women changing their name is bonkers and should be cancelled, but I honestly don't understand why someone else's name is an issue for you. I guess, if being smeone's wife, and being Mrs DHName is something that's important to you as a status symbol then I guess, by the same token, having someone else he that is a bit irritating. But honestly, I think you're being silly. There are probably hundreds or thousands of people with her name and she wants the same name as her children.

And I know this isn't what you asked about and I appreciate that it's a sort of throw away comment, but one of the first things crossing your mind when you got engaged is that you will be Mrs BBB and that's exciting is, in my opinion, as much a red flag for a marriage as someone who is so hyperfocused ont he wedding of their dreams they have forgotten the point of marriage.

Sorry. I probably sound like a right old witch but I really odn't get the mindset.

It isn't "so bad" but it wouldn't be my choice. If i had kids without being married or without changing my maiden/original surname, I would want the kids to have my name, not my partner's. Or possibly double barrel

If he double-barrels he won't match the kids though.

Easy solution. Don’t take his name.

I’m in this situation , when I met my partner his ex wife had his surname because she wanted to keep the same name as there daughter.
My son from a previous relationship has my birth surname (his dads never been involved)
I decided when my husband proposed that I wouldn’t be Changing my surname because I want the same name as my son. (He was an adult when I married)
My husband wasn’t happy but he’s got over it now, I did put his surname as a middle name.

I can go one better, my husband took his exwifes name and didn't change it back as wanted to keep his children's name. I am now Mrs Ex Wife Surname. I can't say I'm thrilled about it but my own surname was something I always wanted to get rid of so I was left with two shitty options and therefore I took the name that my son has. Understand ex wife isn't thrilled that I have her name either, so that's something at least 😂

Sounds like you’ve married a sensible man and not one with a ridiculous ego like most would be about this issue. Well done you, I hope I meet a sensible man like this one day! X

Again, it sounds like you’ve married a good guy without an annoying ego

Good lord. You sound very old-fashioned, to be so excited about changing your name to your husband's name.

His first wife wants the same surname as her children, which is completely understandable.

I assume your DH won’t change his name to yours, but you could always both change your names so you both become double-barrelled. Or you could create a new surname for you both out of your two names, e.g. Mason and Bosworth both become Mayworth. I’m not saying I like that idea much, but I know two couples who have done it.

I only changed mine because I hated my maiden name.

I don't give a monkeys if I'm his 2nd wife - I knew he was divorced when I met him.

Also, my husbands surname has all the letters of my maiden name in it, in a different order with some extras thrown in. 😁

You can’t do anything about it so let it go - are you intending to have children?

Lol is this from the 1950’s?
os anyone genuinely’thrilled’ at changing their name to someone else’s?
and the DP ‘let’ his ex keep ‘his’ name…
I really hope @Bride2bbbbb that your relationship isn’t as controlling and patriarchal as it comes across.
unless your last name is Bumhead or something, why on earth would you change it?

You're the second Mrs ..... She wants to have the sane surname as her children with your husband. Nothing to be done so suck it up, you'll only name yourself miserable dwelling on it.

I think you’re being ridiculous. It’s entirely her choice if she wants to have the same name as her children. My DH’s ex has the same surname as me and I’ve never given it a moment’s thought. At the end of the day it was her name before it was mine.

He was happy enough for her to have his name and his children and now you both want to gatekeep the name and make her undertake a massive admin headache. It's her name now so you'll have to get over it. You are not being slightly unreasonable, you are being very unreasonable.

Hopefully you're not being so precious about his mum or the wives of any siblings. Neither his ex wife or you are the first or last Mrs X.

This My married name was brown ( or would've been id I had changed my maiden name). Bet there a good few Mrs Browns about