DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

I strongly suspect that he isn't trying to blackmail the op. He has, after all, ended it. Rather he is saying that he wanted her to be as willing to do X with him as she was with previous partner(s). That is about what she wanted to do not about coercing her.

In fairness, if this was a woman going through her partner's phone, and finding videos of him shagging his ex, the consensus would be (a) looking at his phone was justified because her suspicions had been confirmed and (b) she would be 100% right to dump.

And that she can leave a relationship for any reason.

He's 'hurt' because you won't 'perform a sex act'. Take a minute to think of the language there and understand what a bullet you've dodged.
No man who uses emotional manipulation to coerce you into 'performing' something sexually you don't enthusiastically consent to is a good one. Don't let your embarrassment at the videos veil this very important point.

What do you love about this guy? He sounds awful. Let him go, block him and don’t go back. Delete the photos if you want but don’t let that have any bearing on the end of this relationship.

Really? You really aren’t getting abuse from this? Firstly, he watched - presumably in full - videos of her in a compromised position. Then, instead of listening to OP’s version of events, he’s saying to OP, ‘you did this once with someone but you held the boundary with me; I’m therefore dumping you without reference your explanation’.

He’s absolutely horrible.

It is abuse if it leaves the OP feeling guilty about something in the distant past before she met this man. It’s about how his behaviour has made her feel. It doesn’t matter if he was Prince Charming before this incident. Once is enough.

Exactly this.

Sure there could be all sorts of reasons other than the one that I would feel. But that would nonetheless be my response and I thought it might be helpful to share with the OP. You don't know that it is not right. Maybe she isn't as attracted. She hasn't said she was coerced into the acts - just that she wasn't comfortable making the videos. Which isn't good but not the same thing. I ABSOLUTELY agree that he shouldn't be able to coerce her into doing sexual acts with him because she did them with other partners, but it is not unreasonable to leave because of the difference in what she wants to do.

He can't unsee what he's seen, the images are in his head forever now.

Probably best it's over for both your sakes.

People can end relationships without sending long guilt-tripping messages afterwards.

So you’re saying that if you current partner was happy to go down on his ex, so happy that he filmed it multiple times and kept copies, but wasn’t happy to do that with you, that you’d be completely fine with it?! I doubt it…

Something tells me the OP still hasn’t or won’t delete these videos

It sounds like he's been nursing grievances (ie what you wouldn't do in bed) and was looking for an excuse. Was everything as good as you thought, that he was pawing through your phone maybe not?

My phone regularly sends me reminders of days in photos and groups them together by category - playground fun, sweet treats, beach etc so it probably just popped up. Could have easily been an "On this day" but it's just a video of his girlfriend getting railed by another man.

His reaction is over the top (especially about the sex act) but I wouldn't be happy about it either. I'd be concerned that he's copied them to his phone and could now use them for revenge porn or blackmail.

This is all so sordid.
People who enjoy videoing the sex they engage in need to take responsibility for what happens to those videos and who ultimately sees them.

I judge my relationships on whether they are satisfactory to me. If any aspect was a deal breaker, then the relationship would have been over already. I don't need to use the yardstick of how partners behaved to others to know whether something is acceptable to me or not. I'm my own person. It comes with maturity and confidence.

Would you though? Or would you come on here, write a thread, and people would convince you he wanks off to the video all the time?

Who has 6 sex videos on their phone? People who are so unbothered about them, they forgot they even existed and forgot to delete them.

Yeah it's a bit awful for your partner to see, but he was blatantly snooping and if he actually listened to OP calmly he'd realise that she wasn't saving them to watch regularly.

Also, to the PP who is a man - it's also gross to think of you did something with someone else in the past you should do it again, and to find that "hard to get over" if you won't. What if she hated doing it? What if she isn't into it anymore? OP has clearly eluded to not really wanting to do it. So entitled.

Saying or doing something that leads to someone to feel guilty isn’t “abusive” in itself. Neither is getting angry or upset with someone else. The term “abusive” is used far too liberally by some. Sometimes I think it’s a way of being able to demonise another person good conscience.

No, OP hasn't suggested she wasn't aware of being filmed, these seem to be videos she's made willingly with a partner. I'm just trying to understand the moral difference between having sex with your partner, and watching yourself having sex with your partner.

You may say that, but I doubt you would be so nonplussed if that happened to you.

Why would anyone keep that stuff on their phone. And what sex act?

He went through your phone? And now he's acting like this? Value yourself higher, and block him.

Honestly, the more you reveal about him, the more odious he sounds. He's so far out of order here.