DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

Men on this site arent even allowed to speak to an ex.

OP hasn’t spoken to her ex for 10 years! That’s the point. It’s almost as if the current DP is accusing her of cheating or being disloyal, which is nonsensical, given the videos are 10 years old.

No I’m not because he’s ended the relationship. An abuser would use this as manipulation and control. Abuse is a long process of controlling a partner, not reacting to something that nearly everyone would find upsetting. This guy has seen that his partner has quite frankly a library of sex tapes from when she was with her ex. Claims she didn’t want to do them but they are saved on her phone so she either made them on it or saved them when shared. On six occasions. Doing stuff with the ex that she’s told him she doesn’t want to do with him. I’d feel like crap and I’d end it too. That doesn’t make me abusive.

MN tends to be very double standards. 🙄

Lol, yeah right. Meanwhile, back in the real world.

@PassTheCranberrySauce no, she says the videos date back ten years. She has made no mention in any of her posts how long ago she split with the ex, nor that she hasn't spoken to him in ten years. For all we know, it could have been last year and she still speaks to him.

Regardless, if you made six explicit videos with your ex, despite not being keen, at his request, why would they be on your phone not his? He'd be the one wanting to watch them. If they were made on her phone you'd then send them to the ex. Then, seeing as you weren't keen to make them, you'd delete them. There and then. You wouldn't simply forget about them.

Why does it matter how many there are?

This in spades. You have a relationship history with someone else, would have been better to delete vids /photos but that's not the point. It is history. He needs to get over it. Why was he even going through your phone?
But having said that, I get it has wound him up and made him jealous. A lot of MNers would be the same if it was vids /pictures of their h /p's ex. Many would say it wouldn't bother them, I don't usually believe that for the best part.
In your case though, even if you lived together I'd call it a day with him. You have the easier option as you don't.
But for the cool gang on here, double MN standards as usual. Screaming blue murder because a bloke goes through his partners phone. But, as always it's fine for a woman to do the same if looking for 'evidence' as long as she doesn't get caught doing it.🙄

You can laugh all you like. If you can't grasp that people behave differently in different relationships because of different dynamics, or because they've changed as a person, so comparison is pointless, then that's your lack of understanding of human nature at fault. Nothing to sneer at me for.

You sound like you’ll be way better off without him OP. You don’t just “accidentally” stumble across videos from that many years ago. Likely he’d have to scroll for ages to find them!

If you do end up staying together, my concern is you will pay for those videos many times over.

Take care of yourself OP.

I’m going to call it early.. he’s cheating.

Hope this thread makes people realise that it is never a good idea to keep this kind of stuff on your phone. Delete! Delete! Delete!

Technology is advancing so fast that it is too much of a risk to record anything like this.

If the only version of this is on the OP’s phone and not on a phone belonging to an ex, she has control of the video. If it is on her ex’s phone the ex has control.

Well as I said up thread, I did. I wasn't bothered either way, it was a bit of fun, we used my phone. Don't think I ever watched them. Just forgot about them almost immediately.

Her partner can be hurt or put off or whatever, and end it if it's a deal-breaker for him. But it's his issue, he shouldn't trying to put it on her, make her feel like she's done something wrong, giving her the silent treatment etc. it should have been a calm conversation.

It’s about what she didn’t want to do. If he’s ended it and is moving on with his life, the only arrangement he needs to make is to get his belongings back and make sure she has her belongings back. No need to mention sexual acts.

OP, you're dodging a bullet here. He's a jealous type and has poor respect for your boundaries.

If he's your boyfriend of 2 years, any photos that you took together are thousands of photos away from those of 10 years ago. He was searching, not stumbling.

This isn't a strong foundation for a long relationship together (and potentially a family down the line?). If he's launched straight into dumping you out of jealousy rather than a conversation to understand, it would only be a fractious relationship going forwards.

He's shown you who he is, and it's a blessing in disguise. Time to move on.

My ex dp loved to check my phone walk, away now. I expect he is jealous of many aspects of your life he shouldn’t need to check up on you op .

• Why was he going through your phone?
• His extreme reaction is ridiculous

He sounds like an insecure and controlling man. Red flags everywhere...

Dump him.

My point is that men here aren't even allowed to speak to an ex so keeping sex videos of them would be ultimate betrayal. The fact he even took such videos would show him to be a pervert in many people's eyes on this site.

She hasn't said that she didn't want to do it. I am not defending the bf just trying to explain, but please don't make stuff up.

Good. You need to work on why you want him to!

Yep

Yeah, this.

Perhaps she is not comfortable now because she’s tried it and now knows it’s not her cup of tea. Regardless just because she had done something sexually with someone previously, that doesn’t mean she then has to consent to the same sexual act with everyone else going forward.