DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

He sent me a long message which I’ve woken up to and basically maintains it’s over. He says it’s hurtful that something (an ‘act’) I’ve ‘refused’ to do with him which is in one of the videos is insulting. I may have been comfortable trying something nearly 10 years ago, but that doesn’t mean I am now. I really don’t think he’s changing his mind.

Maybe he suspected her of cheating. Women on here are told to do that if they suspect but as per usual the rules don’t apply when sexes are reversed

"one of the videos"

Holy sh-t, how many videos are there?

He’s done you a favour, the rubbish has taken itself out. He wants you to throw yourself on his mercy and agree to do the same act with him. It’s the worst kind of coercion. He doesn’t care about your dignity or comfort. Really seriously don’t take him back.

Two things occur to me on reading this. One is that your partner seem to be very insecure or even controlling to have such a reaction. I wonder if this is an excuse for him to end things, that he’s wanted to go a while.

The second is that you say you weren’t keen to make the videos and were doing something you won’t do with your current man. Here, are you someone who struggles with boundaries, or have you in the past? In which case it’s possible that your current relationship isn’t as good as you think because you may be used to a coercive situation. On the other hand, if you hadn’t wanted to make the films, why did you keep them at all?

Hard to know but something isn’t right here.

There are (or were, as I’ve deleted them now) 6, I did say in my op ‘videos’, and lots of the replies reference there only being one.

No some batshit posters encourage it while the sane majority consistently maintain it’s a bad idea. But there are idiots in every corner of the internet. That’s not double standards it’s lack of hive mind/groupthink.

I am a man. If I found videos of my partner in sexual acts that she had a refused to do with me, it would be very hard to avoid thinking that she is less/not attracted to me. I am not saying that is necessarily correct or fair, but it is a credible explanation - you yourself say that you were comfortable then but are not now - that would be very hard to work past.

So rather than realising he'd found something personal that wasn't anything to do with him he watched each of them?

He should have put the phone down as soon as he realised what he'd found. Are you sure he just watched them and didn't forward himself copies?

I would be livid with him and telling him he's the untrustworthy one for snooping, insecure and controlling for caring what you did with an ex and trying to shame you for not doing the same with him!

Be glad he's shown you what he's like, he's done you a favour, if he stayed he'd be bringing this up every time you had a disagreement.

It’s over or he’s making an attempt to manipulate you in to doing the act with him. Either way his snooping and response hopefully has made you realise this relationship would never be healthy.

if you haven’t seen them in years it’s highly unlikely that he ‘stumbled across’ them! He was searching your phone looking for stuff like this. That’s intrusive and controlling.
He went mental - why? They are videos from 10 years ago . Why not just talk to you and ask why you still have them. ? Why is going mental at you? He’s a grown adult why hasn’t he learnt to manage his emotions?
He broke up with you, either he doesn’t care that much about you to throw away your relationship over something so small or he is using breaking up to teach you a lesson. Either way he is showing you his true colours.
i would message back and thank him for showing you who he is and agree you are definitely not compatible. Then block him.
He has saved you a lifetime of being made to feel like shit anytime you ‘step out of line’

I can’t lie. I’d dump you too. People are all like “he shouldn’t care”, “everyone has a past” but actually I’d be devastated if I saw that. It would make me feel like utter shit. Yes he shouldn’t have snooped but who the fuck has six sex videos with their ex saved on their phone? That goes way beyond mistake. So I would react like he has done and that would be it. I also doubt that the majority of the people slating the partner here would in any way react well to or tolerate their own partner having stuff like this on their phone.

Quite.

Also people are really going for the boyfriend here, saying he’s controlling and abusive but he has simply ended the relationship when he found this. It doesnt matter how he found it. He doesn’t want to be with someone who keeps sex tapes of their ex for years and that’s his right. He doesn’t owe it to her to stay in the relationship so why is he such a bad person.

Imagine if you were with someone who consistently refused to go down on you because they say they don’t like it. Then you find six videos that he has kept of him going down on his ex. How would you genuinely feel? Because no way in hell would I be okay with that and if I didn’t want to be with him anymore after that because it made me feel so shit, that would be my right.

So, you weren't keen to make explicit videos but you made six? Presumably, therefore, they were for your ex's enjoyment but why were they on your phone not his?

Surely you must have forwarded them to his phone so he could watch them, otherwise when would he ever see them? Why would you not delete them at that point if you weren't keen to begin with? You wouldn't have wanted to watch them.

If not then, why not when you split?

What a weirdo he is, OP, he’s watched all of the videos in their entirety, it’s almost like he wanted to find stuff to offend his sensibilities.

Has he always been this abusive and mean?

He has genuinely done you a favour by ending things. Never let a man control you this way again.

@July26 he’s trying to blackmail you into doing the same “act” with him after you said no. That’s him trying to trample over a boundary you’ve set. It’s coercive. If he’s simply ended the relationship, why bother bringing up this “act” at all?

I can't believe people trust Apple Inc with these kinds of photos on their servers 🤯

Anyway, making these kinds of videos and photos rarely ends well. Actually, it ended well for some Kardashian and Paris Hilton... but I suspect they're anomalies. Most people end up with them leaked, fretting about who has copies now or years later, or with their discovery creating awkwardness in a relationship.

Not everything needs to be documented, videoed, photographed....some things are supposed to exist as only memories

Have your tastes not changed over the years? There are many reasons why something she did then doesn’t appeal now. Doing things you don’t like is the quickest way to kill your sex drive- and indeed she isn’t with him anymore.

The fact a previous boyfriend successfully coerced her into things doesn’t mean that a current boyfriend should be able to.
The change could be a result of trauma, lost body confidence, a physiological change (I certainly can’t do everything I used to!).

Edit to add- the change could be that she’s not young and foolish anymore!

It sounds like it's over and probably not the sole reason, just an excuse. I'm sorry. He shouldn't have been going back 10 yrs he was clearly looking for something which is controlling anyway.

If it was so traumatic and coerced wtf did she keep six videos of it on her phone?

Are people incapable of having sexual relationships without filming them?

In which way is this abusive.Genuine question because there doesn't seem to be any sniff of abuse in ops post.Is it because he didn't like what he saw and got upset and left.Is that abuse now?

The people siding with the boyfriend on this thread are massive, controlling arseholes themselves. You'd get cross about sex that occured before you knew each other? You'd get cross that something she did with one person, she doesn't enjoy any more and won't do with you? Get the fuck out of here you total ass hats.

OP - I think a good thing has happened, even though it doesn't feel like it. Anyone who reacts like this is a huge problem. Stop responding, block, move on. Count your lucky stars.

This. No one looking for a holiday photo “stumbles across” and watches all the videos to analyse them like this. Has he forwarded them to himself to watch after he stormed out?

The fact a previous boyfriend successfully coerced her into things doesn’t mean that a current boyfriend should be able to.

Agreed @PrizedPickledPopcorn but then why would you keep six videos you were coerced into making on your phone? You'd delete them once your vile boyfriend had transferred them to his phone. You wouldn't keep them on yours for almost ten years.