DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

They were

DP went through your phone? Why?

Personally that would be huge red flag, even without the rest of it.

DP went through your phone? Why
Op has already explained how he came across them.

I say this as a CIS woman, you’re in the wrong.

I know I’ve got multiple videos on my phone from me and my ex. I don’t watch them etc, but like you it’s just from my phone transferring over.
Out of interest why have you not deleted them if its an ex and you dont look at them? Its not like you have forgotten about them. If nothing else they are taking up storage space?

Sex videos of you and your ex? Yeah sorry but I’m sure none of the posters here would be ok finding this in their DPs phone. Why are people suggesting he is in the wrong for this?

Because he is male of course.

You have done nothing wrong. He is upset (I wouldn’t like it either to be fair), but you did nothing deliberate to hurt him and have nothing to apologise for. If he can’t get over it then it was not meant to be.
Whatever you do, do NOT agree to do the act you dont like with him as some kind of apology.

“He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’”

Ok sure he wasn’t happy, but he really needs to get over himself.

Everyone’s got a past and a lot of us have done things that we now look back and thoroughly cringe at.

Don’t grovel and don’t let him use this as a stick to beat you with.

Good luck 💐

Such double standards. If I found old sex videos on my dh phone of him with his ex, I’d be very upset. Is t it just courteous to delete them? Especially if she’s vanilla with her current one but spicy with her ex. Yeah, consent and all that, but she’s living on cloud cuckoo land if she thinks it’s all fine. Learn a lesson and delete any sex videos when you meet someone you fall in love with.

Yes, because I don’t watch them 🤷🏼‍♀️ I had no interest in rewatching them at the time either. I have over 139,000 pictures and videos on my phone…. It would take a fair amount of time to flick back to rewatch it or delete it.

Also, I didn’t hide the fact they are still on my phone either.

Because honestly, I’d have to go so far back to find them. Also would have to click onto each individual video from that time to be able to actually see what it is and if it’s one of them. I have no interest in seeing it again.

OP I hope you have a calm conversation with DP. But again, I don't think you have anything to apologise for other. Poor phone maintenance perhaps, but nothing worse. DP trying to paint you as the bad one because of this feels manipulative, and as others said, he may try to use this to control you. Treat carefully and reconsider the relationship for your part. Good luck.

And? I would not be interested either

You don’t have to scroll you know, search function exists.

And what do you suggest I search for?

This^ he was clearly snooping to go back that far and he breached your trust.

Most people have had sex before when entering into adult relationships and while of course it wouldn't be nice to actually see your current partner with their ex he's played a stupid game and won a stupid prize by snooping so far back and then getting angry that you had a relationship before him.

I think his reaction is very problematic, I wouldn't trust that he's not snooped looking for things and personally I'd be ending the relationship if he hadn't already.

I’d like to know what you’d search for too

It might actually be helpful fir me to find some photos when I’m looking further them 😁

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been said but i would have a massive issue with him for watching such a personal thing without my knowledge or consent. If he's stumbled across them and caught the first few seconds then fair enough but hes watched them long enough to find the sexual act that you have said no to doing with him. How much did he see without your consent?

Why is it a double standard ? If you had been in a relationship with someone for two years and found videos that pre dated that relationship by eight years, what would be the reason to be upset ? Assuming that there is no contact what’s the problem ? OP says there are about 30 minutes of video and it’s clear he watched quite a bit before he decided to be ‘outraged’.

And the very fact that his main take away is that she took part in a sex act she now doesn’t consent to is reason enough for OP to finish the relationship herself. It will come up again and again, as will the videos themselves in every single disagreement to come.

Lots of people saying he’s a dick but if this post was you saying you’d found videos on his phone of him shagging his ex girlfriend I guarantee everyone would still be calling him a dick and saying he will have been watching the vids when you’re not there. Don’t know why he went through your phone in the first place that’s weird but I can understand why he’s really not happy about it

They’ve been together two years. The videos pre dated their relationship by eight years. And if OP has an iPhone or similar, a record of which apps have been used to access photos will be kept. So he can check for himself, or not if OP has recognised that he’s a walking red flag and dumped him.

We’ve spoken and I understand why he reacted as he did now he has talked me through his emotions with it. He isn’t pressuring me into doing anything, he just explained that he found it hard to begin with going without something which he always had in his past relationships and seeing such a graphic video stirred these emotions. I know I wouldn’t have liked to seen it if the tables were turned.

I have re-assured him of the background that I forgot I had them and that I’ve not looked at them whilst with him. He believes me, I’ve apologised again and we will move forward. I said I’ll treat him to a meal out at his favourite restaurant on Friday so I can make it up to him.

That’s what I’m thinking. My search button throws up the most random pictures, if I search for the sky it will show me pictures of my dog on the couch 🤣🤣