DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

Yeah I’d be upset he still had them and I’d ask him to delete them including out of his recently deleted.

I wouldn’t be making a deal out of a sex act he may of done with her and not me because I wouldn’t have sat there and watched all the videos either.

He lost the higher ground when he mentioned sex act you won’t do with me. It stopped being about the videos themselves at that point and about the sex act alone which he has clearly asked op for and she has said no.

I can’t think of a single reason why anyone on MN would say this because it’s not a direct comparison. They’ve been together two years and the videos are ten years old. Unless the ex is still on the scene somewhere it’s irrelevant. And in a million years the main takeaway for a woman wouldn’t be a sex act that he now refused to do with her !!

He could ask OP to let him go through her phone to assure himself that none of the apps have accessed the photos recently, and she’s telling the truth. And then wave the relationship goodbye because he’s just proved he is, in fact, a dick.

Cis woman ? Really ?

You can search by date or location, you just have a rough idea. I mean there are other things you can search but if I was looking for sex videos from 2017 (random example) I would search for 2017 videos. Not too tricky really.

I’m happy that you’ve been able to talk @July26

From what he said and how his emotions got the better of him, I’m hoping this will not become a pattern where he gets emotional/angry, says he wants to separate only to comes back with ‘it was so hard for me’.

Im also surprised at the intensity of his emotions over not getting that particular sex act. If it’s that important to him that he can go in a rage over it, is it really not a deal reader for him? Genuine question btw. It seems out of proportion to the issue of the sex act (rather than finding the videos oyswim)

Because the videos are ten years old and pre dated their relationship by eight years.

Because he’s clearly watched the majority of the footage before being ‘outraged’.

Because he’s now using a sex act OP performed in the video, to which she now doesn’t consent, to bring pressure to bear.

Well what are they of? Where were they taken? You can search for people individually too if you have other pics of them. You could search ‘bus’ or ‘car’ or ‘bush’ - who knows

Location would show the thousand of pictures I’ve taken at home…. Date wise, my memory isn’t great to remember as far back as that.

Right. Don’t use the search function then. It was a mere suggestion.

Again you have nothing to apologise for. Or indeed to make up. He had “ always had this before “ Really? Please don’t agree to something you don’t want to do to make it up to him.

He’s a wrong un, I hope you at least spend some time considering what so many of us have said.

Smoke & mirrors from him. He is hiding something or wanted to end it anyway & was snooping on your phone for a reason.

Expect more of these. He's going to be reminding from now on how you did x and y for your ex but not for him. Next thread will be about you going out with friends at night and not responding to his text, and then next etc...
You seem to have a history picking abusive men OP but you don't seem to care either.

Bloody hell OP your weren't keen on doing the videos in the first place. Now your current partner is in a mood because you will not do certain acts with him. This is all abuse ! I thought he was upset because it was difficult to see and he thought you might still be attached to your ex but no it's because you don't do a certain act with him. And the a meal to make up for it. All sorts of wrong going on here. You seem to be in abusive relationships without realising ?

Would "woman" not have been enough here

Op it isn’t you that should be apologising. He scrolled through your phone watched the videos and then moaned because you don’t do that with him. If he now expects that act you need to walk/run. He has invaded your privacy.

I would be afraid that he’s going to use this to coerce you into doing sexual acts that you are unhappy about now. Based on you doing them with someone else. If he does then he is a nasty piece of work. In this circumstance you should dump him. I doubt you would, but you should.

Ah, now we're getting to the bottom of it! It's not that you had the old videos and had forgotten about them, it's because you did a sexual act with other men that you won't do with him. Got it.

Has he ever heard of the concept of consent? It doesn't matter what you did then. I appreciate that it might have been hard to see, but his reaction smacks of male entitlement. And he has YOU making it up to HIM, after he's caused you all this relationship stress? Quite apart from him being a controlling so-and-so, how have you not got the massive ick?

He PUNISHED you because he saw you doing something ten years ago that you don't want to do now. Yuck, yuck, yuck. You have done NOTHING wrong and HE should be begging for another chance. He sounds like a whiny fifteen-year-old. Dump him and find a real man. 🤮

Op you are in dangerous territory here, this is classic DARVO, and potentially the start of sexual coercion. Even if he’s not “nasty” about it, he’s already using this against you and to guilt you into doing what he wants. This is not good OP, not good at all!

This is all a farce for him the ‘sex act’ that he is sad he will be living without will be the stick to beat you with forever!! On top of that how on earth do you trust a man who had been through your phone!! If like me you have 1000’s of photos he is going to have to have scrolled, looked at all your personal photos from 10 years ago - found the video and watched most of it!!

This is not a nice man!! leave now before it gets worse, and fuck taking this idiot out for a meal - what on earth are you apologising for?…,

How do you know it's pornography? Perhaps they were filming their love-making?

That sounds like sexual coercion I’m sorry. He was clearly angry and jealous that you’d done something with an ex that you’re not prepared to do now.
he’s behaving that by staying with you (and you taking him to dinner) that he’s doing you a favour! I wouldn’t touch him with someone else’s bargepole. He’ll start putting pressure on you to do whatever the act was next.

@summitfever I agree, but perhaps they will live happily ever after if @July26 apologises enough.

I see you have smoothed things over. I don't think though that he is a good man or that he has behaved well. He obviously went looking or, at best, stumbled over them. He ignored the fact that they were from 10 years ago and obviously watched enough to spot you doing something which you won't do with him. He then kicked off about it. I would not think well of a man who made immediate threats of leaving me and expected me to plead for his return. I think you may come to regret getting him back. I don't think for a moment he is going to drop the issue of you doing whatever it is that he wants and which you don't want to do.

No, I wouldn't be thrilled about finding something like that on my husband's phone but I wouldn't end a relationship over some forgotten videos from over a decade ago and long before we were together. I'd like to believe I wouldn't have watched them or at least talked I'd have talked reasonably to him about it. (To be honest, we've been together so long that the internet was in its infancy and any video would have been cutting edge technology.) I don't think my husband would have watched the video in those circumstances - I mean it must have been clear early on what the video was about. And I'd very much doubt he'd be expecting me to beg for his return. He does realise people make mistakes and that almost everybody has a past.

Put the boot on the other foot and let me ask you.. If you looked on his phone and found a video of him and an ex would you be outraged? Straight answer, yes you would. So why is he unreasonable? Because he's a man? Of course he isn't being unreasonable.

He's upset and said it's over because he feels betrayed.

Give him some time to calm down and be lead by rational thoughts not emotional ones and see what he says. If he's blocked you it'll be hard for you to contact him, but try to let him know you love and miss him.

The prob is once you feel betrayed it stays with you, you don't get over it, so you may well have fd this relationship up. I'm so sorry.

Let me ask you something. If you looked on your partners’s phone and found videos (OP says there’s more than one and about 30 min of footage) would you watch them all and then complain that there’s a sex act in there that they refuse to do with you ? And when you’d sorted things out and go back together, would that sex act still be your main focus ? Because that’s what’s happening here.

He has OP crawling to him trying to make amends and l think we all know what’s coming next. This isn’t a direct comparison with anything a woman might do in the same situation and he lost any high ground he may have had the minute that sex act became his focus.

I’m also intrigued as to why you think he would feel ‘betrayed’ by something that pre dated their relationship by eight years. More like he’s using it to get what he wants - the sex act he’s ‘living without’. Poor lamb.