DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

Not sure – only OP can answer that. Has he done it before? Has she cared/said he could or she didn't mind? Can't answer those questions.

'If one of them is out of reach/on charge' to me would suggest they're together. If you put your phone on charge and you were not together, how would you use their phone? Same as out of reach.

He wasn't coercing. He's left the relationship - it's over. He was explaining part of why the videos upset him so much.

This writ large…

Can you not see how this will play out:
you apologise, sincerely…… grovel even
he graciously accepts your apology and tells you all will be well as long as you tow the line…. don’t step out of line
Till the next time he finds fault with something you do
you end up second guessing yourself, trying to keep the peace/towing the line, treading on eggshells
and the incidents where he tells you you are wrong, did the wrong thing, ‘disappointed’ him et cetera stack up

Until you are a shadow of your former self.

It doesn’t need to be like this.
Read Women Who Love Too Much
and The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

You are worth more than this!

So far I've read the below information in posts, despite no mention in OP posts

• DP is controlling
• DP is manipulative
• DP is spying on OP because he doesn't trust her
• DP does not understand consent
• OP will be pressurised/ blackmailed into doing a sex act she does not want to do
• DP will bring up the issue of the video at multiple future references so they can never move on.

Why not just fabricate a whole new narrative? Or just make up a backstory for a laugh? People are literally making up stuff on this thread.

the dumping was just a "punishment", he took her back next day 🤣

(You need to read the whole thread)

You need to be very careful here. People read what they want to read agd answers are not always helpful.

1- your DP has been snopping. No way he just ‘stumbled’ on videos that are 10 years old.
2- if you had indeed being watching them regularly, you’d have put them in a separate folder rather than going through 10+ years worth of photos.
3- his main issue seems that you dint want to do with him what you’ve done with your ex. Right…. Is it a competition? Is there the assumption that if he did it with him then you have to do it with me? Can you see how badly it comes out?
4- he doesn’t trust you. And that is tge biggest problem. You’ve explained, apologised (even though theres nothing to apologise about) yet he is chosing to not believe you. Fine his choice. What about next time when you’ll do xyz and he isn’t happy about it. Will he believe you or are you in a never ending loop of ‘being caught out’ apologies, him not believing you etc…. (Note I dint believe you were caught out doing anything. Everyone has a life before their DP. Traces of those times exist. Pretty normal)

I agree with PP. You have nothing to apologize for. You did these videos before you were with him. You don't need to apologize for doing them. You aren't married and you do not live together. You can keep the videos if you want to.

But the thing that sticks in my craw is that you 'did something' back then that you have decided 'isn't for you' and he is angry you won't do it with him. Frankly, this infuriates me. No one owes anyone any 'sexual act'. I swear, if you apologize to him for that, when I die I will come haunt you!!! Too many women submit to too many things they don't enjoy because the men in their lives 'guilt' them into it, tell them that 'everyone does it' or threaten to 'find it elsewhere'.

Oh, ETA; Don't be surprised if in your conversation with him he says something along the lines of 'If you do X with me that will show you really love me and I'll take you back'.

Exactly what I was going to say.

OP, think long and hard about this.

We can only judge on what you have written, which puts him in a bad light. Maybe in all other respects he is fine and this was one thing after a bad day or other troubles at work etc.

But I still question who's idea it was that he uses your phone when his is on charge.

Do not be coerced into anything further down the line. Being single, free and happy is far better than being in a bad relationship for the sake of it.

I don’t know…
Bar the first two, I’ve come across similar conclusions….
Maybe if people are reading the same from this guy behaviour, there is a reason?

This will be one of those threads with a hugely sexist bias.

A woman looks at her partner’s phone - well apparently that’s fine.

A man has a video of himself and his ex - well apparently that’s grounds for a split.

But as it’s a man looking at the phone and a woman with the video, there will be pages of LTB.

You’ve dodged a bullet there. Move on and don’t look back as he has shown you a red flag 🚩

OP don't grovel. This is a tactic to coerce you into the act you're not comfortable with. It's so hard to see it when you're in it, but my ex crucified me for every minor thing just to keep the upper hand and to keep me down and trying to win him round. Please take some time before talking to him to get perspective. Talk to someone IRL about this. You've nothing to be ashamed of.

You know the apology will require you to do anal like you did for the last guy, right? You did with someone else, so he is feeling owed. Just so you are forewarned.

"What do you feel you need forgiveness for? Having a relationship a decade ago?
Not doing a sex act you don't want to do and don't enjoy but he wants to? He feels betrayed by that?
You have nothing to seek forgiveness for. You haven't wronged him in any way. He went through your phone and watched enough of your decade old sex videos to see you did a sex act he wants a decade ago.
Saying no to a sex act you don't want to do is not wronging him nor is it a betrayal. He may be trying to present it as that but that's manipulation on his part."

This with bells on. If you approach this as you needing his forgiveness, you are giving him carte blanche to hold this against you and manipulate you into sex acts you no longer wish to perform. Since these are old videos, he must surely have had to scroll along way back to find them; there was surely no need for him to do this if he was looking for a recent photo. I agree with PPs - the fact that he is somewhat shocked and perturbed at finding those videos is natural and you could apologise for not having deleted them, but it does sound like he was snooping through your phone which is a red flag and the way he's tried to punish you for the videos is another one.

You need to stand really firm on this - you can say you realise it was a shock to find those videos, say you had forgotten all about them and acknowledge that they should be deleted (and delete them) but don't get involved in begging him to forgive you for anything bigger than that as he will use it as a stick to beat you with. FWIW, I've been with DH for 25+ years; there's a sex act I have occasionally done with him in the past which is no longer on the cards and DH has accepted that without any discussion or push back. We are allowed to change our minds about these things; that's how consent works.

Don't get coerced into anything. That other message about some sex act you did with your ex but you've refused to do it with him and now this message - he's setting you up for what you "have" to do to "earn forgiveness". Be wary of his motives from now on, any contact may not be about getting back with you but about using you and getting revenge.

The way he's worded it "refused to do" actually bothers me OP. It sounds like he's been trying to pressure you into something? Otherwise it's just a simple ask if you fancy doing xyz and you telling him you're not into that, then it's the end of that subject. Leaving this row aside, I'm wondering if you're just sexually incompatible anyway.

No, If this was reversed in terms of the man and the woman, my response would be the same - it's okay to be upset that your (male) DP is holding onto this sort of intimate stuff frm a previous relationship but.... it was in the past, you shouldn't have been snooping on his phone and it's not okay to use this as a stick to beat him with.

I don't blame her partner for not being happy and I think she made a mistake to keep this stuff on her phone. But he shouldn't hav ebeen snooping and his OTT reaction is ridiculous. Including one of his issues being that she did an act with one man she won't do with him. I did all kinds of things in previous situations and relationships (and Im' not talking sexually necessarily) that I don't do anymore and dh wouldn't expect me to.

I would be questioning why videos of nearly 10yrs old of my partner having sex with their now ex-partner are still.on their phone. Is it a turn on, like looking at them? And if you've changed phone in this nearly years - you've had opportunties to really think about getting rid.

And on the flip side - how far through your phone was your DP going through (or are they recently watched videos) ?

My husband and I don't go looking through each others phones, because we trust one another. He won't even look in my handbag if I need my asthma inhaler, he always brings my bag to me. It seems very odd to me that your goes looking through your phone. Is he looking for a way out of the relationship?

I know I’ve got multiple videos on my phone from me and my ex. I don’t watch them etc, but like you it’s just from my phone transferring over.

My partner knows but certainly doesn’t get arsey about it, this is an ex from 8 years ago that I have zero interest in.

Id say he’s over reacted.

If I saw there on my boyfriends phone I would think him to be looking at them and getting turned on. But then I think a man would. But as a woman I know for a fact I wouldn't rewatch them and I believe you didnt either.
if he wants to continue being with you he must never mention this again. But if he ends it then I think it would mean he can't get the images out his head. And that would be the best thing.
He's a nosey fucker going through your photos though, especially ten years back. I would think hes quite possessive and doesn't trust you. Do you feel he can be possessive?

Your partner knows that you’ve got multiple sex tapes on your phone of you and your ex yet you haven’t deleted them? Bizarre

I think people are making massive negative assumptions about both the OP and her partner.

It’s perfectly possible that he will have calmed down and will apologise for how he has reacted. And OP will explain and reassure him.

Obviously regarding ‘the act’, it does somewhat depend on what it is. This isn’t a sex site or page so I am not going there, but if it is something most people do most of the time, he has good reason to at least ask OP to explain why it is no longer on the agenda. OTOH, if it is something weird (for want of a better word) there’s no reason to believe that, once OP had explained that it is no longer for her, he won’t accept it.

Not everyone is manipulative and unpleasant.

Hear, hear.
Dear God, who needs blokes like this?

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