DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

I think the general reactions are unfair as if this was a man keeping sexual videos of him with an ex, I’m sure people would support her going through the phone and it being a justification for following ‘spidey instincts’.

This is really, really concerning, OP. Even leaving aside going through your phone, he's got some fucked up ideas about consent.

And where’s the waterline when you’re coercing your partner to engage in a sex act they no longer want to do, because they did it with another partner ? Because this is exactly what’s going to happen. And these videos will be brought up again and again as leverage in every single argument.

So now there’s “nothing wrong” or needing an apology in keeping explicit videos of you and an ex on your phone whilst in a new relationship. Wtf am I reading?

The only thing you have to be sorry for and that’s again if you want to is for not deleting them sooner.

Don’t be sorry for having a sex life before you met.

Don’t be sorry for recording it.

Don’t be sorry because you did whatever sex act with ex but not current.

Also don’t feel you need to do whatever that sex act was to keep this relationship as I bet that will come up at some point.

“Fine I’ll stay but only if we recreate those videos it’s only fair after all.”

Correct Lydia.

And that’s precisely why this relationship has run its course. BF snooped through OP’s phone. 🚩 OP had XXX videos with a previous partner on her phone. 🚩 BF has seen OP doing a sex act with another man that she no longer consents to—saying she did it and didn’t enjoy it is one thing; holding onto a video for a decade, then her partner actually WATCHING it is a completely different kettle of fish. Of course he’s not going to forget this. And perhaps he will never stop asking OP to do it. 🚩 OP needs to move on (and delete her homemade porn videos 🚩 before her next relationship).

Perhaps stop considering this in terms of right or wrong.

It may be worth considering of you were holding on to the videos for other reasons such as your discomfort in making them originally and knowing that there may be other copies out there. If there is more going on you may have something to process there. That seems more likely than “I forgot this thing I was really uncomfortable about at the time so I kept it.”

But also be prepared to accept that sometimes these things do end a relationship even if there is no malicious intent, that way you are perhaps better prepared for any discussion.

So you’re inferring that because she has had sex historically, tried sex acts she then realised she didn’t enjoy, and engaged in videoing of a sex act she is more likely to cheat?

Read this post @July26 . Read it several times because everything you’ve posted about your partner indicates he do this.

You left some videos on your phone. You didn’t cheat. You didn’t lie to him. You haven’t done anything that warrants this level of vitriol.

You are desperate for his forgiveness and he will know that. Even if you did the act he is obsessed about it won’t stop him wanting to punish you. This man’s insecurity has the potential to absolutely ruin not only whatever relationship forms after your conversation but your longer term MH.

Many of us on this forum seem to ‘jump to assumptions’ where others do not because we have been there and done that. You get to an age and a level of experience where you can spot a pattern or a personality a mile off.

A lot of people would be upset at seeing that kind of video on a partners phone, no one would deny that. But very few of them would react as your partner has, fewer again would turn the argument to chastise you for not agreeing to a sexual act with them.

Have the conversation with him by all means but don’t go into it thinking you deserved to be punished.

It’s about context though. OP says these videos are ten years old. They pre date this relationship by some years and while I can understand his shock at finding them, his subsequent behaviour is a giant red flag. Not least because he’s using them to make a point about OP’s refusal to engage in a particular act. I can’t think of a similar situation in which a woman would react in the same way.

OMG. Seriously you want him to forgive you ? It should be the other way around. He should be begging for your forgivness for his ridiculous behaviour. What have you done wrong here? Is this how you want to live your life being manipulated like this.

Walk away and be thankfully you have only wasted 2 years with him. You will have a lucky escape.

Well from what I’m reading it seems OP has been in this ‘new’ relationship for two years and the videos are ten years old. They’ve been downloaded each time she’s had a new phone and she forgot they were there. If that’s genuinely the case, the only thing she needs to apologise for is not deleting them.

And OP says there were around thirty minutes of video, so it would seem that BF has had a good look before he decided he was outraged, and even then the only take away seems to have been the sex act OP won’t do with him. So he hasn’t exactly covered himself in glory either.

delete them, tell him you have deleted them, remind him that this was your past and then leave him to it. he will come to his senses and if he doesn't good riddance

They dont live together. They have been in a relationship for 2 years. He was at hers and she went in the shower. Her own wording is:

My partner went through my phone
He was watching a video while I was in the shower and accessed my camera roll

Does that sound like a couple who have an agreement that they have free access to each others phone?

I think we agree then, it’s right that she apologise for having not deleted them. I’m not saying she’s done anything else.

I also agree that her DP has behaved poorly, and made a bad situation much worse.

Is saying how sorry you are going to include doing a sex act you're not comfortable with? Because I bet that's coming next.

I told you he'd come back. And expect grovelling and yo to do whatever he wants. First part is true already....

She also said this in her second post:

"We use each others phones on occasion if one of them is out of reach/charging, I am certainly not secretive."

Bit that would suggest under supervision. He was left alone with her phone and accesed her camera roll. Which he did not have permission to do

What is it about her phrasing that suggests under supervision to you? I just read it as ... they use each other's phone on occasion.

What do you feel you need forgiveness for? Having a relationship a decade ago?

Not doing a sex act you don't want to do and don't enjoy but he wants to? He feels betrayed by that?

You have nothing to seek forgiveness for. You haven't wronged him in any way. He went through your phone and watched enough of your decade old sex videos to see you did a sex act he wants a decade ago.

Saying no to a sex act you don't want to do is not wronging him nor is it a betrayal. He may be trying to present it as that but that's manipulation on his part.

Given the fact that she let him access her phone freely and without conditions, then yes, it does seem exactly that!

The OP hasn’t said he hacked in by guessing her password, or took advantage when the screen was unlocked… She’d given him her passcode and left it free to use! It’s like giving someone you key to come and go when they please, but you hadn’t specified to them that you didn’t want them to use it at 11am on a Saturday,
but you then got angry anyway when they arrived!

If you don’t want someone looking at what’s on your phone, don’t give them unrestricted access to it, and don’t then blame them for something they then find!

1. apologise for the shock he may have had finding them and for not deleting them
2. explain that doing or try a sex act a decade ago doesn’t mean your up for it now or more likely informs how you know if you want to do it or not
3. for yourself - remember you haven’t done anything TO HIM he saw something from a previous relationship. Yes it’s upsetting but it had nothing to with him he didn’t exist in your mind at that point.

if he can’t forgive or forget that sucks and it’s ok to be upset and feel distraught. But don’t lose sight of the fact you haven’t done anything wrong by have past relationships or past sexual experiences don’t create shame where there is none.

I'm not a prude and even having married 40 years, DH and I do not keep anything sex related in our photo or video stash. I think you were very naive holding onto those on your phone and am surprised by your DP's reaction.

Agree. So cavalier. It's the 'I forgot I had 6 sex videos on my phone of me and ex, doesn't everyone?' that would upset me as much as the content itself, if I were her partner.