DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

You do know he’s now going to use this every time he’s unhappy with something you do or say?

It’s going to be the stick he uses
Every.
Single.
Time.

AND he’s going to pressure you to do the thing you have refused so far. Are you prepared for that? Are you ready to hold your line in the face of his pressure and whining that you won’t do it with him but you did with someone else?

Because, make no mistake, he’s going to be on at you night and day to do this thing ‘to prove yourself to him’ ‘to show how sorry you are’ etc etc.

Yay! The trash has taken itself out.

Don't contact him again. He's a nasty cunt.

At least you know what he is though so that's a bonus.

This - OP you have done nothing wrong

You deserve MUCH better

Absolutely this. He’ll never run out of ammo.

Yep. He'll probably remind her every day "how lucky she is he took her back" 🤣

Of course!

I’d turn it back on him op and break up over him snooping on phone tbh tell him to fuck off

@July26 you’ve had a pile-on but let me tell you that this man’s behaviour is not OK. You are entitled to say no to sexual acts. It doesn’t matter whether you did them before you met him, today’s no is still a no. Tomorrow’s no is still a no.

I could have been a sex worker in the red light district in Berlin or Amsterdam from 2012 to 2022 or appeared in a whole series of porn films and still say no to any sexual acts today. That’s how consent works. It’s not retrospective based on what you said yes to years ago.

Depends on how they treat phone usage with each other.

Of course that's what it was, and he's STILL being ridiculous.

It’s always a bonus to find out before you marry or have a joint mortgage with a man like this. It’s a blessing.

It is a blessing it's true.

Whilst I can fully understand the fact that he's shocked and upset that you've kept these videos if you're going have him back you have to make two things very clear and stick to them:
1 - It was a genuine mistake and for both of you this is now subject permanently closed.
2 - Whatever you did in the videos that you won't do with him now is in the past and whether he likes it or not it's no longer on the menu under any circumstances.
If he won't accept both of those or brings either of them up in the future then it's an instant dealbreaker.

(I'd also get him to confirm that he hasn't taken copies of the videos for his own use or to dish up again in future.)

Exactly this.

I took you back even though …

You did X with him …

You did Y with him …

Why are you so ungrateful?

Of course I’d put money on there being a chorus of LTB! Perhaps someone should try posting this in a few weeks to test it out!

That said, I don’t believe the man here has behaved well… just that it’s understandable given what he found.

Also, just because I find something “understandable” doesn’t mean I think it’s complete ok, just that we don’t live in a binary world where our actions are either simply “good” or “bad”.

He can’t be angry at you doing any kind of consensual sex act with a previous partner - that’s clearly unreasonable. You weren’t his property then and you aren’t his property now.

What he can be reasonably upset about is the idea (I know you haven’t btw) that you may have knowingly saved them as your ex still turns you on and you want to rewatch them. That’s obviously going to make him massively insecure. You’ll need to make it very clear that it’s not true.

100%

Yes, he ended the relationship which I think was an overreaction but understandable. However, the way in which he did so and his subsequent posts have made the matter unsalvagable.

He won’t leave you, he’s punishing you. I’d call his bluff and say you’re sorry he saw it but he shouldn’t be nosey and if he wants to split then it’s his choice. Bet he backs down.
BUT I wouldn’t want to be with someone that behaved like that anyway

Yes, either someone is “very, very good” or “very, very bad”. Some posters will revert to the latter for pretty much men, projecting their own bad experiences. If they had an abusive partner, then any hint of poor behaviour in a post will be exaggerated to the max to help prove her point that all men are very very bad

He says it’s hurtful that something (an ‘act’) I’ve ‘refused’ to do with him which is in one of the videos is insulting.

So really his threat to break up is manipulation to do a sex act you don't want to do now and with him. Just because you did something years ago mean you have to consent now.

He wants you to do something you didn't enjoy sexually in the past. If you told him you didn't enjoy it and he's still "insulted" you won't do it with him, he wants to use your body as an object for his pleasure, and the hell with yours.

He's sexually coercive and manipulative. Let him be on his way.

If he was going to leave he wouldn’t have sent the long message. I might apologise for having the videos on my phone but that’s all.

Let him be on his way with directions to a shop that sells lifelike “girlfriend experience” adult sex dolls.

This
1000%

I would be so glad he was gone, I would be insane with happiness.

Perhaps those of us who have had abusive partners recognise red flags.

Went mental.

Stormed out.

Sent a long text about how insulted he felt.

Will accept a sincere apology.

Rinse and repeat.