Page 22 | DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

July26 · 2026-07-26T20:50:20+00:00

NC’d for understandable reasons. DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things. He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone. I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked. Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

TheAverageJoanne · 27/07/2026 14:15

Growlybear83 · 27/07/2026 13:16

Yes, I agree with this completely. I would also have reservations about being with anyone who was stupid enough to allow videos like this to be taken in the first place. I think this thread shows the usual double standards on Mumsnet - if the OP had found x rated videos of her partner with an ex on his phone, I think almost everyone would be saying she should leave him.

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I'd never film myself like this or want to be with a man that did. The only naked pictures of me that exist are from 1986.

There seems to be an attitude that it's normal, it's cool, and anyone who doesn't do it, or doesn't want to be with someone who wants to, doesn't want dick pics of their partner or sends naked pictures to them is repressed and judgemental.

JJkate · 27/07/2026 14:15

Under His Eye

toiletpaperthief · 27/07/2026 14:16

Newbutoldfather · 27/07/2026 14:08

I am very sceptical about the amount of people who claim that discovering that kind of video on their partner’s phone would have no effect on them whatsoever.

’wow, cool vid, really pleased to see you were having a great time. Let’s watch it together. Maybe I could learn something from your ex, he looks really talented’

NOT.

There's always a 'balanced' reaction to finding his ex video from 10 yrs ago on HIS phone , something in between of "this is so much fun, lets watch it together" and "YOu evil c-unt I never want to see ya again!". All depends on your IQ, maturity and level of insecurity.

Newbutoldfather · 27/07/2026 14:18

@JJkate ,

There are oceans of clear water between subservience and not being thrilled to see a xxx rated video of your partner and an ex!

oceans and oceans.

Thisistyresome · 27/07/2026 14:18

Didimum · 27/07/2026 13:52

I don't see much evidence from the OP's post that her DP is controlling. All she has said has been far too generic to deduce anything. Everyone would feel differently, I'm sure, but if I saw six high explicit videos of my DP with an ex on his phone I would be so awfully shocked and upset, regardless of when they were taken. Knowing myself, I just know I wouldn't be able to unseen them. Now whether that's a 'me' problem of not, it is what it is.

Unclear if OP's DP was actually snooping. OP says he was looking for a set of holiday snaps – you can easily organise photo galleries forward or backward or by year, location, etc etc, so coming across old ones (and from the thumbnails the content would unfortunately be very obvious!), so it could be fairly easily done.

But you are expecting people here to act with logic. Far better to given unhelpful "he's a monster" validation answers. That way there is no need to engage with people having complex lives and different preferences and expectations in relationships.

B9waiting · 27/07/2026 14:18

I agree with @Banabaythat his real upset is at you doing something with someone else but won’t do it with him & he’ll be trying to manipulate you to now beg to do it with him.

Don’t fall for it - he doesn’t sound nice at all. Accept it’s over & move on to someone worthy of you!

Newbutoldfather · 27/07/2026 14:19

@toiletpaperthief ,

‘There's always a 'balanced' reaction to finding his ex video from 10 yrs ago on HIS phone , something in between of "this is so much fun, lets watch it together" and "YOu evil c-unt I never want to see ya again!".’

Agreed.

But he is allowed to be shaken up.

I suspect this won’t be a permanent separation in any way. If it is, the whole thread is a bit pointless.

sheisforrealatiger · 27/07/2026 14:21

AlmostAJillSandwich · 27/07/2026 13:15

I think a big part of it is the fact the videos weren't taken on your current phone, they've been transferred when getting a new phone/s so it does look like you've kept them on purpose, even though you're saying you haven't.

Unless you've got the biggest memory SD card going, then you can't have that many videos (they also get their own section in a gallery in any phone i've ever had, so easier to find than just in the photos) for it to sound feasible that you had no idea they were there. Especially given your claim you were uncomfortable making them, why did you ever even keep them at the time? Certainly a bit odd you didn't go through and delete them when the relationship ended, deleting all traces of an ex is the first thing i do. (Especially anything remotely intimate like previous social media posts etc, definitely all photos, but admittedly you didn't say if the relationship ended badly or not) For them to have made it through at least one new phone transfer does sound fishy, surely you check with a new phone that everything you wanted is on there, so would have seen them when scrolling through, and for storage/memory doesn't everyone go through semi frequently to delete unwanted stuff?

Ignoring why he was on your phone as there are reasonable and unreasonable reasons, I can absolutely imagine his shock and devastation of finding that, and why he isn't just instantly accepting your story. If the genders were reversed very few outsiders hearing the story would believe it wasn't kept intentionally.

If i found that on a partners phone, the trust would be gone and it would be relationship over, because i'd never be able to know if it really was an innocent situation like you're saying yours is, or if it was kept intentionally and looked at. They could claim it was, delete it in front of me etc, but i'd have all the above questions of how could you not know or have found it accidentally yourself, too many coincidences. I'd drive myself mad with what if, and it would kill the relationship slowly anyway.

She has already explained she has an iPhone, so it’s all stored on the cloud and it transfers everything when you get a new phone. You don’t have an SD card and you don’t have to deliberately keep anything, its just all automatically there.

Angrybird76 · 27/07/2026 14:22

Didimum · 27/07/2026 13:52

I don't see much evidence from the OP's post that her DP is controlling. All she has said has been far too generic to deduce anything. Everyone would feel differently, I'm sure, but if I saw six high explicit videos of my DP with an ex on his phone I would be so awfully shocked and upset, regardless of when they were taken. Knowing myself, I just know I wouldn't be able to unseen them. Now whether that's a 'me' problem of not, it is what it is.

Unclear if OP's DP was actually snooping. OP says he was looking for a set of holiday snaps – you can easily organise photo galleries forward or backward or by year, location, etc etc, so coming across old ones (and from the thumbnails the content would unfortunately be very obvious!), so it could be fairly easily done.

She was very clear. He was watching a video and accessed her camera role while she was on the shower. How is that not snooping?

itwasyourshowallalong · 27/07/2026 14:25

Forgive you for what?

God almighty, chuck this one back - he sounds like a fucking prick

toiletpaperthief · 27/07/2026 14:30

Newbutoldfather · 27/07/2026 14:19

@toiletpaperthief ,

‘There's always a 'balanced' reaction to finding his ex video from 10 yrs ago on HIS phone , something in between of "this is so much fun, lets watch it together" and "YOu evil c-unt I never want to see ya again!".’

Agreed.

But he is allowed to be shaken up.

I suspect this won’t be a permanent separation in any way. If it is, the whole thread is a bit pointless.

Yes, he's allowed to be shaken up because lets face it -no one wants to see a video of your partner with her ex- duh! It's how he handles the issue with OP that shows maturity and inteligence. In his case he has thrown all the toys out of the pram, had a massive tantrum and blamed the whole thing on her like a narcissistic 5 yr old.

Is this the level of intelligence, maturity and self restrain you want in a partner? If answer is "yes" your bar is low.

Very.

PrincessFairyWren · 27/07/2026 14:30

July26 · 27/07/2026 12:54

Yes between them they were hardly 30 minutes long , and he wouldn’t have had time to watch all of them anyway.

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Be careful that he didn’t air drop them to his phone to watch later and now has a copy. I don’t know if you can tell this in your phone history somehow.

Original poster

July26 · 27/07/2026 14:34

He has calmed down enough to message me to say he will call me tonight, so that’s made me feel a bit better at least. I will just be sincere and let him know how sorry I really am.

OP posts:

Agapornis · 27/07/2026 14:36

Please stand up for yourself. If this had happened to a female friend, would you genuinely advise her to apologise and grovel?

Enrichetta · 27/07/2026 14:37

July26 · 27/07/2026 14:34

He has calmed down enough to message me to say he will call me tonight, so that’s made me feel a bit better at least. I will just be sincere and let him know how sorry I really am.

Why on earth would you want to do this?

Can you grow a backbone…

Blueskies77 · 27/07/2026 14:38

There isnt anything to forgive Op. if you’re anything like me you literally will have thousands of photos and videos going back years and years. The fact he’s gone through literally 10 years worth of photos and videos to find those is just mind blowing to me that you’re not more angry at him. What right does he have to go through any of your photos? It almost feels like he knew where to look as well, seen as he only had your phone for a short period of time? He was either looking for something like that or knew it was there because he had seen it previously and decided to use it against you now. The fact that you are doing something with an ex you now refuse to do is also completely within your rights and he is coercive to try and make you feel bad and manipulate you. He could’ve had a sensible conversation asking you why you were keeping the videos and it’s likely you would’ve said you didn’t realise they were on there as it was a decade ago and would’ve deleted them. Instead he has behaved really immaturely. Best off without him imo.

LeedsLoiner · 27/07/2026 14:39

Areyoumouldy · 27/07/2026 13:59

he checked from years before they were together, is it cheating if she doesn’t know he exists?

Im happy with my partner, if we break up and I meet someone in a couple of years have I cheated on someone I haven’t met yet, or am I entitled to my life now?

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It's not cheating and AFAIK he hasn't accused her of cheating - what he obviously is, is upset that she's kept videos of her having sex with someone else for ten years.
If this was reversed would their be a single dissenting voice not saying that:
"he obviously didn't forget to delete them - who keeps ten year old videos filling up their phone memory, he looks at them when he wants a quick merchant, and he's obviously still pining for the ex - LTB!"

Sunnibee · 27/07/2026 14:39

July26 · 27/07/2026 14:34

He has calmed down enough to message me to say he will call me tonight, so that’s made me feel a bit better at least. I will just be sincere and let him know how sorry I really am.

OP please don't accept fault for this, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. The person who needs to apologise is him for getting so angry and taking it out on you . You can acknowledge his feelings about it all if you want but please don't apologise when you have done nothing wrong. It sets a dangerous precedent for the relationship if it continues.

MsPavlichenko · 27/07/2026 14:40

July26 · 27/07/2026 14:34

He has calmed down enough to message me to say he will call me tonight, so that’s made me feel a bit better at least. I will just be sincere and let him know how sorry I really am.

You have done nothing to apologise for. Please read and consider the responses on here telling you that.

He should be apologising to you for his behaviour. It’s a red flag, and you need to stop and think about it regardless of how much you love him.

toiletpaperthief · 27/07/2026 14:40

July26 · 27/07/2026 14:34

He has calmed down enough to message me to say he will call me tonight, so that’s made me feel a bit better at least. I will just be sincere and let him know how sorry I really am.

"Pick me please. It's ok you if go through my phone and snoop at my old pics, have massive tantrums and dump me (only to forgive me the day after) for something irrelevant, act like a narcissistic 5 yr old with zero maturity. As long as you pick me I'm happy"

ThreadGuardDog · 27/07/2026 14:46

July26 · 27/07/2026 14:34

He has calmed down enough to message me to say he will call me tonight, so that’s made me feel a bit better at least. I will just be sincere and let him know how sorry I really am.

Sorry, what ? You have nothing to be sorry for. Everyone is entitled to their history. If the photos are so old you forgot they were there, I don’t see that they’re any of his business.

They clearly pre-date your relationship and his reaction to finding them is completely OTT. The suggestion that you should be open to a particular act you’re not comfortable with now, just because you did it years ago is concerning in itself but I honestly think there are red flags everywhere - including the likelihood that he will expect you to apologise to him, when he’s behaved like a controlling arsehole.

OP think very carefully before you resume this relationship. Not only was his response totally unacceptable but there’s fuel here for years of this being thrown in your face every single time you argue.

Original poster

July26 · 27/07/2026 14:46

MsPavlichenko · 27/07/2026 14:40

You have done nothing to apologise for. Please read and consider the responses on here telling you that.

He should be apologising to you for his behaviour. It’s a red flag, and you need to stop and think about it regardless of how much you love him.

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I have read as many comments as I can, I think it’s just that the nasty ones saying how wrong I am and that people are being hypocritical stick in my mind more 😥

OP posts:

JillyFragrance · 27/07/2026 14:49

VestibuleWeaver · 27/07/2026 14:04

This is like pulling teeth. He might suspect that she is cheating on him now.

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If he can’t read a date stamp on a video it’s a worry.

HPFA · 27/07/2026 14:49

LeedsLoiner · 27/07/2026 14:39

It's not cheating and AFAIK he hasn't accused her of cheating - what he obviously is, is upset that she's kept videos of her having sex with someone else for ten years.
If this was reversed would their be a single dissenting voice not saying that:
"he obviously didn't forget to delete them - who keeps ten year old videos filling up their phone memory, he looks at them when he wants a quick merchant, and he's obviously still pining for the ex - LTB!"

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Yes, I think that's what's driving some of us mad here. I don't think I've ever seen a thread where the double standards are so obvious.

If my partner handed me his phone and told me to make use of it I can easily imagine looking at the photos. Why wouldn't I?

There's no way any bloke would be given the benefit of the doubt on here if he was the one keeping old sex videos.

TimeDoesntStandStill · 27/07/2026 14:49

I think if you grovel to this man he may try and have power over you in some way or maybe try and coerce you into doing the act you were doing in the video but havent wanted to do with him.

Hes already shown red flags, going through your phone, going through personal media from past chapters in your life, blanking you, texting you saying hes upset because you were doing an act you wont do with him etc and leaving you hanging that ges going to call you to discuss at a time that suits him.

I think hes trying to have power over you and if you grovel you will be playing into his hands and potentially putting your wellbeing or worse at risk.

I dont think you should be apologising for having a past relationship.

My dh and i dont use each others phones at all, we both know each others pins but respect each other enough to not need to check, hes been snooping on you and theres no way around that.

To be honest I dont think you should continue with this relationship as i think it will be very unhealthy for you as he will hang this over your head forever and possibly pressure you into sex acts you no longer want to do at this stage of your life.