DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

Who is to say OP's partner didn't have well-founded suspicions? And, given what he found, he could be forgiven for thinking he might be right.

Why should she delete them? She can keep them forever if she likes. It's got fuck all to do with anyone else.

Well founded suspicions that she wasn’t a virgin?

He isn’t angry about the videos. He is angry that you’ve done something sexually with someone else tbh at you with him.

Because if the mere videos alone were the problem he wouldn’t have sat and watched all 6!! He would have seen one got the ick and put the phone down. Not watch them then complain that you did Y with an Ex but won’t with him.

Most people I know delete videos and photos of their exes when they split. Most phones separate videos and photos into different folders. We're not talking cat photos or meter readings.

And if you have 20,000 files in your phone you probably get prompted to clean it up and deleted unwanted files to save storage/memory.

Most people who weren't comfortable making six explicit videos with an ex would have wanted to delete them long ago.

At what point had I said it was wrong, giving an explanation and clarity are vastly different from offering guilt. She needs to appreciate why he was shocked and present it reasonably.

Otherwise what is she going to do if she wants him back...ignore it?

I think you are giving terrible advice by telling her to ignore it. She has mad eit clear she wants him back so how does your advice help?

What?! Because he came across old videos that means she is not to be trusted? Is that what you're implying? And if so, why?

Well, he’s gone. @July26can grieve for a while, carefully delete all the videos and then find someone else for a relationship that’s doesn’t include sexual acts she’s no longer comfortable with.

😂

How do you know this? Have you conducted a survey?

What do you want him to forgive? What you did in the past? You didn't even know him. He doesn't need to forgive you for anything.

I don't see much evidence from the OP's post that her DP is controlling. All she has said has been far too generic to deduce anything. Everyone would feel differently, I'm sure, but if I saw six high explicit videos of my DP with an ex on his phone I would be so awfully shocked and upset, regardless of when they were taken. Knowing myself, I just know I wouldn't be able to unseen them. Now whether that's a 'me' problem of not, it is what it is.

Unclear if OP's DP was actually snooping. OP says he was looking for a set of holiday snaps – you can easily organise photo galleries forward or backward or by year, location, etc etc, so coming across old ones (and from the thumbnails the content would unfortunately be very obvious!), so it could be fairly easily done.

Why?!

He was prying.

He has no right to be angry about your past sex life.

He’s angry because you won’t do a certain sex act.

He’s done you a favour. Move on and not with him.

OP’s ex on his next dating profile:

I am looking for a partner with no previous sexual experience or no evidence of previous sexual activity with someone who is not me. You must be OK with me forensically searching your phone.

Good luck to him. Next!

On Mumsnet if a woman posted that it would considered as reasonable behaviour....
How many times on here is the first response "have you checked his phone?"

What are you expecting him to forgive when you’ve done nothing wrong?

These videos are years old, he purposely looked that far back so he was obviously looking to cause an argument or something because why would he scroll so far. He’s annoyed you’ve not done a certain sexual move with him, that suggests that he would rather you put your discomfort aside because he’s needs come first, I bet he’s the type of man that makes you feel like you can’t say no.

he checked from years before they were together, is it cheating if she doesn’t know he exists?

Im happy with my partner, if we break up and I meet someone in a couple of years have I cheated on someone I haven’t met yet, or am I entitled to my life now?

No, well-founded suspicions that she was cheating on him. We don't know what he was actually thinking. And, again, if it was a woman doing this, no one would blink an eye.

But that would be for current cheating not a video of say a blow job an ex gave 5 years ago.

If the Op then got mad about the video it would be why did you watch it??! Check the date stamp and move on. If the video is an issue bring it up in a grown up way like hey I saw it could you maybe delete it, it makes me uncomfortable that you still have it.

Not omg I saw the video you never give me blow jobs!!! It’s over.

As long as you don’t keep any videos on your phone you should be OK.

How could OP cheat on him almost ten years ago before she met him?

This is like pulling teeth. He might suspect that she is cheating on him now.

Agree with this. He will bring this up whenever you have an argument or hit a rough patch, he was totally out of order prying in the first place. You are entitled to your own past staying private, as is he.

I am very sceptical about the amount of people who claim that discovering that kind of video on their partner’s phone would have no effect on them whatsoever.

’wow, cool vid, really pleased to see you were having a great time. Let’s watch it together. Maybe I could learn something from your ex, he looks really talented’

NOT.

Interesting everyone jumps to looking at a partners phone is suddenly a sign everything is awful. We all have different standards in relationships for levels of privacy we expect.

I’m can see why he doesn't believe you. You say you were uncomfortable making (yet did make) x rated videos with a previous partner doing things you are uncomfortable doing now. Yet you also didn’t remember that this happened. It is not impossible but sounds more like an excuse. When I am uncomfortable about things they stick in my mind. I’m not saying you are lying but I wouldn’t judge someone for thinking you were. Given the discomfort expressed about these videos I would think they were being retained for other reasons than simply “bad admin.”

The reality is people are likely to react badly to a partner not telling them about keeping videos with an ex. How badly will vary. People have every right to end relationships for any reason they like. This case looks like the trust is probably gone, so not much chance of fixing that.

Best option here is to learn and move on. Being a bit more open with future partners, if you need to keep videos of exes explain that you do and why.