DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

I think a big part of it is the fact the videos weren't taken on your current phone, they've been transferred when getting a new phone/s so it does look like you've kept them on purpose, even though you're saying you haven't.

Unless you've got the biggest memory SD card going, then you can't have that many videos (they also get their own section in a gallery in any phone i've ever had, so easier to find than just in the photos) for it to sound feasible that you had no idea they were there. Especially given your claim you were uncomfortable making them, why did you ever even keep them at the time? Certainly a bit odd you didn't go through and delete them when the relationship ended, deleting all traces of an ex is the first thing i do. (Especially anything remotely intimate like previous social media posts etc, definitely all photos, but admittedly you didn't say if the relationship ended badly or not) For them to have made it through at least one new phone transfer does sound fishy, surely you check with a new phone that everything you wanted is on there, so would have seen them when scrolling through, and for storage/memory doesn't everyone go through semi frequently to delete unwanted stuff?

Ignoring why he was on your phone as there are reasonable and unreasonable reasons, I can absolutely imagine his shock and devastation of finding that, and why he isn't just instantly accepting your story. If the genders were reversed very few outsiders hearing the story would believe it wasn't kept intentionally.

If i found that on a partners phone, the trust would be gone and it would be relationship over, because i'd never be able to know if it really was an innocent situation like you're saying yours is, or if it was kept intentionally and looked at. They could claim it was, delete it in front of me etc, but i'd have all the above questions of how could you not know or have found it accidentally yourself, too many coincidences. I'd drive myself mad with what if, and it would kill the relationship slowly anyway.

He can break up with you for whatever reason be wants. I’d leave him alone tbh. It sounds like he doesn’t care enough.

Yes, I agree with this completely. I would also have reservations about being with anyone who was stupid enough to allow videos like this to be taken in the first place. I think this thread shows the usual double standards on Mumsnet - if the OP had found x rated videos of her partner with an ex on his phone, I think almost everyone would be saying she should leave him.

OP that's so sad for you. I'm sure it's devastating to feel the relationship is over, and he's making you feel like you've done something wrong to cause it.

But you don't need forgiveness, you've already apologised, explained, and deleted the videos. He should trust that you weren't watching them repeatedly - why would you give him your phone if you wanted to hide them? Doesn't he trust you at all after 2 years?

Not wanting to do the sex act again is also not something to feel bad about. Him saying that it's insulting is egotistical and very bad behaviour. I really feel for you, I would have been so upset if my husband had reacted like this when he saw my old, forgotten videos (despite PPs saying how impossible and ridiculous it is, it does happen OP) x

I’m surprised by the first responses. Sorry but I can’t see that I wouldn’t have felt and had the same reaction in his shoes (looking on your phone aside). Six x rated videos that you couldn’t be bothered ‘forgot’ to delete? If sexes were reversed, there would be cries of LTB.

Equally he doesn’t trust you (or your account) so it’s over anyway surely!

These are such mean spirited posts. Some people like to be recorded or make videos or take pictures, and they make the decision as a consenting adult to do so - your judgement really isn't needed. But it's in even more poor taste on this thread, because the OP implied she didn't really feel comfortable making them, and a lot of women have been in the situation of feeling obligated to do something sexual for a man. Most of us have felt pressured or subject to an imbalance of power.

Calling OP stupid is so unkind and unnecessary here

You’ve done nothing that needs forgiveness.

How is he in other aspects of your relationship? I bet if you really look hard you will see other things that he is doing to make you feel this way.

I think it’s interesting how the thread is quite balanced, and yet every individual seems to be strongly ‘team OP’ or ‘Team OP’s partner’. It’s a microcosm of the society we live in.

Keeping old shagging videos with exes isn’t cool. Let’s be honest, to reiterate what a PP said, you’re not keeping them to ‘remember’ happy times, you’re keeping them because they turn you on! Maybe OP hasn’t viewed them for a while, but I am sure she has viewed them more recently than when they were made.

Equally, in an ideal world, her partner would have just noticed them, realised that they belonged to a different age, and not opened them.

But, they are where they are, both hurting and (IMO) neither blameless. OP needs to reassure her partner that she doesn’t think less of him sexually than her ex (yes, I know. she is with him, not her ex, and that should be enough, but most people have an ego and at least partially invest it in their sexual performance), And he needs to acknowledge that the videos were a long time ago and don’t impact their relationship today.

Relationships are based on compromise. There will be no resolution otherwise, which is what OP seems to want.

Forgive what exactly?? I’m sorry Im not the Virgin Fucking Mary?

You risk sounding as immature as him but I’ll put that reaction down to the initial stages of shock and despair at breaking up.

You are better than this and you must know that. His reaction tells me that he will judge you and hold this against you forever more. Run from that!

@July26 I think you need to separate out two issues here, because they’re getting tangled together.

The videos themselves. They’re years old, long before your DP, and lots of people have old files buried in their phones they’ve genuinely forgotten about. That part is understandable. But you also need to recognise that from his point of view, finding them feels like discovering a secret, even though it wasn’t one. He didn’t know they existed, he wasn’t meant to see them, and they show a version of you he’s never met. That’s a shock, and it’s normal for him to react emotionally.

The sex act you don’t want to do now. This is the bit that’s really hurt him. He’s not comparing himself to your ex because of the act itself, he’s comparing himself because he thinks you did something with someone else that you “wouldn’t” do with him. You need to explain that you did try it in the past, realised it wasn’t for you, and that your “no” to him wasn’t personal. It wasn’t “not with you”, it was “not anymore”.

If you want any chance of repairing things, you need to talk to him calmly and honestly. Something along the lines of:

“I understand why finding those videos upset you, and I’m really sorry you came across them. They’re from a completely different part of my life, long before I met you, and I genuinely forgot they were still there. I should have deleted them years ago and I now have.

About the sex act, I did try it in the past, and I learned it wasn’t something I enjoyed or wanted to repeat now. That doesn’t mean I wanted it with someone else and not with you. It means I didn’t want it at all. I should have explained that better instead of just saying no.

I’ve deleted the videos now because they’re not part of my life anymore. I hope we can talk this through properly, because I don’t want something from years ago to damage what we have. But I also understand you need time to process how you feel.”

This approach acknowledges his feelings without grovelling, explains your side without being defensive, and gives him a way back without pressure.

Whether he takes that path is up to him but in my mind, this is the most constructive way to open the door.

But if you didn't feel comfortable making six explicit videos why on earth wouldn't you delete them either as soon as you'd transferred them to your ex's phone (assuming he wanted them) or at least once you've split up. I mean, you surely don't 'forget' you've made six explicit videos, particularly if you really weren't keen to do so in the first place?

@Newbutoldfather Keeping old shagging videos with exes isn’t cool. Let’s be honest, to reiterate what a PP said, you’re not keeping them to ‘remember’ happy times, you’re keeping them because they turn you on!

I'm guessing this statement is a self projection? meaning: that's the only reason you would keep your ex's videos right?

"you're keeping them because the turn you on... maybe OP hasn't viewed them recently but I'm sure she's viewed them more recently than when they were made"

I agree with the sentiment of your post, @Newbutoldfather , that there's compromise and discussion and acknowledgement of hurt to be done from both sides. But the above is just complete supposition.

OP sounds like she is being apologetic, and he sounds like he's being a total dick about it all. He could one his response and emotions, and end the relationship by saying "look, I hear what you're saying but I just can't believe you and the trust is gone. It's a line in the sand for me".

But he's not. He's shaming her and complaining that she did this sex act with another person.

But what other reason would there be for keeping six explicit videos of you and your ex on your phone?

Exactly.

But he’s seen the videos, and can’t unsee them, so there’s probably no point in continuing. I know if I saw intimate videos of my DH with an ex, I’d never get over it.

Completely forgetting you had them

To be honest if I came across X Rated videos of DHs ex I would be pretty upset too. I also wouldn't believe he had forgotten about them.

It's probably his own fault he saw them, though, so he shouldn't be making her feel bad.

He shouldn’t have kept watching and he shouldn’t be holding the contents against you, none of his business what’s in them or what you did with another partner ten years ago. He’s the one that’s violated you op, he absolutely will not be anle
to unsee this so it’s fucked either way. If you got back together you’d basically just be waiting to get this thrown at you and he’ll use it as an excuse to treat you with contempt. Put this down to experience and move on, and not feeling like the dumped victim but actually in agreement he’s gone too far going all that way back through your phone and using it as a stick to beat you with

Forgive you for what
Not being a virgin when you met?
Daring to decide what to do with your own body, more specifically that you no longer wished to take part in a particular sex act?
Not deleting videos you didn’t know you had until someone snooped years and years back in your phone when you happened to not be present?

Yes, he shouldn’t have snooped. And she shouldn’t have 30 minutes of graphic sex with an ex on her phone. They both sound like nightmare partners TBH. But you can’t put the genie back in the bottle now. Best to learn lessons, move on, and not make the same mistakes in the future.

Exactly this. Please get some help with your self esteem OP. You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re allowed to have had sex with other people before you met and to put in place sexual boundaries.

You surely don't 'forget' you've made six explicit videos, particularly if you weren't keen to do so in the first place? One, maybe. Six? And transferred to at least one, possibly two, even three other phones in nine years?

What other reason would there be to keep 3 cats photos shot 10 years ago? or a drunken hen do? or your electric meter readings from 2016? Answer: you have a busy life, are dealing with the important stuff and can't care less about cats, drunken hen dos and ex videos from 10 years ago, they're just THAT irrelevant that you don't even think about them. Plus... you have 20,000 files in your phone.

OP don't do this, this is terrible advice and will end up with you assuaging his abusive and controlling behaviour. You have done nothing wrong and you owe nobody any explanations. Hold your head up high.