DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

I think you should end the relationship

firstly, why on earth would he care about this, he can see the date the media was created was before your relationship with him, so it’s not cheating.

it’s then ridiculous to guilt trip you over the content of the video, you can just say you tried said act, didn’t enjoy it/made you uncomfortable, hence why you’re not doing it again. Consenting to something 10 years ago in a different relationship doesn’t mean you have to consent with it today with this man. It’s really childish and concerning that he says this is “insulting” to him.

he’s just trying to control you and make you do things you’re not comfortable with

maybe if he was a better partner, you might feel more comfortable around him, but sadly he’s not

God when I was growing up hardly any women liked having their photograph taken. Early VHS recordings always show women looking coy and covering their faces, giggling ‘don’t film me!’

What happened in society that people are happy doing anal on some shonky old phone recording and then ‘forget’ about it? I can’t think of anything worse and unsexy quite frankly. Who are they for?

The amount of videos doesn’t matter either. It’s more likely that the videos are short in duration, instead of each being hours long.

Hello, I found some old videos on my partner's phone (he allows me access to it without fuss so I assumed it was OK to look at his old photos.) The videos are of him having sex with one of his old girlfriends and one of them he's doing something which I wanted him to do with me but he refused.

I was really upset but he says he'd just forgotten they were still on his phone and the sex act he just "isn't into that any more".

Should I believe him? Am I wrong to want to leave over this?

Is anyone seriously claiming that the vast majority of posters on this board wouldn't say "No" and "Yes?" to the questions above if the scenario was this way round?

I cannot imagine a world in which I ‘forgot’ about old sex videos on my phone.

I guess that’s what he’s having a hard time believing. If I found some on my DH’s phone I’d infer he had a reason for keeping them. (More likely to find endless pics of landscapes, historic buildings and gardens bless him).

Agree!

We all have a past so what is his issue?
He doesnt have one or with you...
Tell him to leave your phone alone...anyone wanting to look thru mine can pee off.

I also don't understand how you didn't realise that you had SIX X rated videos on your phone.

You knew they were there but for some odd reason wanted to keep them when you are with someone else.

Id also dump you. I have more self respect then to be with someone who is keeping sex clips with an ex.

If DW had keep videos of herself having sex with her ex I would be 1) REALLY upset 2) pissed off 3) genuinely wonder why and not believe any nonsense about - oh I totally forgot they were there… please. What a load of BS.
It would make me wonder about our relationship, or if she was hankering back to ‘better’ sex with someone else or even the ex themselves.

OP - you should try to be honest with your DP, that’s the only way out of this.

How long have you been been together OP? Thats a factor? I’m not going to break up with DW of 20+ years over something like that but a girlfriend of 1,2,3 years? Maybe.

Yes between them they were hardly 30 minutes long , and he wouldn’t have had time to watch all of them anyway.

About 2 years

How do you feel it about, OP? Are you angry at his response?

So he was innocently using your phone with permission and stumbled upon (rather than snooped) sex tapes. I can see why he is upset but hopefully he will calm down and believe you that you forgot about them. It was a foolish thing to forget if you are in the habit of lending him your phone but so be it. If you want him back i think the onus is on you to pursue him, apologise and reassure him. Bear in mind if this was the reverse on MN, 'my partner keeps sex videos with his ex on his phone' everyone would say he is to be dumped etc. I don't think this should be the case in either scenarios, I think if he is reasonable he will calm down and listen to you, if you really do want to be together you can work it out.

He was watching a video and accessed her photo roll. I dont think that fits into the category of innocent.

Riiiiight. I wonder what would all OP's defenders say if they were married to a man who always refused to go down on them (as an example), with all kinds of excuses, but then found SIX videos still on his phone, after all these years, enthusiastically going down on his ex? The fact that he was stupid enough to film it, then to keep it for years - for what purpose? As a wank fodder? Because he still pines for her?

And why on earth would you keep such videos after you split with an ex, OP? So straight after splitting, you just casually forgot you made 6 sex tapes and kept them for a decade on your multiple phones?

I'd certainly be divorcing, no question about it. OP's husband clearly has principles, and good for him. He's right to dump you, OP.

I just feel devastated and hope he will forgive me.

And that is his real upset.
How manipulative.
He wants you now to beg him to do it to you.

Don't fall for it.
Accept him telling you its over.

Why would you keep such videos?
Get rid of them.
How easy was it for him to access them?

WHAT??!!!!!! Seriously?

You need to find your anger, @July26 . And dump him. Because this will only get worse. He will hold this over you, making you feel dirty and unworthy, for evermore.

Dump him. And please, never, not ever, allow a man to film you when you are at your most vulnerable

Why hand them the power?

I'm seeing a lot of insecure people on this thread. Like the OP I too have stuff on my phone stemming 10 years ago that I don't even remember why and where, from cat pics to hen party in Ibiza to ex dick pics, does that mean I'm still looking at my ex dick? Nope, can't care less, I'm not looking at old cats photos or my drunken GF in Ibiza either, I just haven't cleaned my phone. Somehow many people on this thread will go to the worst place when confronted with old dick pics, a) deep rooted insecurity? or b) That's what they would do themselves if the had their ex's images on their phones? ( self projection).

If you can't handle your ex had a life before you or you're snooping through your partners phone when she gives zero reasons to be jealous you need to work on your issues first and stay away from relationships.

Yeah his anger is because you were doing something with an ex you have refused to do with him, his male pride/ego is bruised

Forgive you for what? Having sex with a previous partner? Making a consensual video? Forgetting about it? Doing something previously that you don’t want to do now?

He is entitled to be shocked perhaps, and certainly upset. But you have done nothing wrong, although you probably should have deleted them.

Be wary of him “ forgiving “ you and it changing the balance of your relationship in his favour. Or of suggestions you owe him anything sexually to make it up to him. Don’t be too hasty here. Think about how you would have reacted, and take some time yourself.

The bar is low on MN.

Let this be a teachable moment for everyone - don't go thorugh your partner's phone, people!

We are all allowed a past, and privacy. Like or not phones are stores of endless information about us, and that information will still exist even if it is no longer relevant to our lives or who we are. By rummaging thorugh someone's phone and then throwing what you find in their face you are making them accountable for things that,may have zero relevance to their life now. Who of us would pass that test?

And beyond that it is toxic behaviour, whoeever does it.

And yes I know there will be people who suspect partners of cheating and have this proven to them by something the find. But this doesn't make it any less toxic. If you have suspicions about your partner - raisew them with them. If they dont, or can't, reassure you then there isn;t the trust to make the relatonship last anyway.