DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

I'm a guy, almost fifty, post divorce, have had enough relationships over the years to see this. It's just controlling jealous behaviour. If a man (or woman) cannot deal with the fact their partner has had a past, is a full human being who was likely not a virgin when they met, then they are emotionally immature with regard to relationships. I might not be thrilled to see videos of my partner having sex with someone, but I have enough brain to know it didn't happen last week, they aren't cheating, it's just a video from ages ago.

It makes as much sense as seeing a video of your birthday from 10 years ago and being annoyed they weren't in it.

As a small side note to anyone being shocked about this sort of thing, it really is pretty common amongst those who are comfortable with it, especially for couples who don't live together or don't see each other as much as they would like to and can't always be physically intimate. If no harm and everyone is on board, nothing wrong with it at all.

Also don't buy that he found the videos by mistake.

Anyway, tell him to grow up or piss off. (IMO)

Men have no automatic right to access a woman's body. I think a lot of women are coerced to do things that they aren't entirely comfortable with when they first embark on their sexual journey, especially when they are young and don't have a clear idea of what a normal sexual relationship is. As time goes on though, they discover that some activities aren't necessarily common or desirable and they become more confident about setting their own boundaries. The bottom line always ought to be 'Does this give me pleasure?' and, if it doesn't it should be firmly off the agenda. The fact remains though, that you might be more willing to do different things with different partners according to their particular tastes and this might also relate to the level of trust you have built with that person. On the whole, I think that most people are pretty vanilla and there's nothing wrong with that. But any level of coercion, sulking or whining is the biggest turnoff ever and any man silly enough to try it shouldn't be surprised when his sex life with that partner comes to a sudden and abrupt end!

Honestly, he has done you a favour. He has obviously gone so far back snooping.

It sounds like he is more annoyed that you did this sexual act with someone but not him. Like you aren’t allowed not have enjoyed it or to not want to do it again.

Grieve and move on. Do not apologise and don’t try to get him back.

You can switch it off.

But why was he going through your phone and what exactly is he so annoyed about? That you are not a nun in your previous life or that you forgot to delete them?

I'm sure you're right, but I can't be bothered researching the intricacies of tech to find out how. What the designers think is 'intuitive' is often simply repetitive and doesn't cross platforms.

Quite! Not sure how you'd not have seen and therefore forgotten about a video in 10 years either, most people would've had to do some significant clearing of storage space over that time because phones and Google storage like bullying you into upgrading if you don't - 10 years ago I had to probably clear out all the things I didnt like (!) or wish to keep every couple of months.

Is not difficult it's just in settings. You can google it. I switched mine off as it had pictures of my ex in it but I didn't want to do a mass delete as it also had pictures of my DD. And also he's her dad so she may want them some day. But I didnt like pictures popping up of holidays from 8 years ago!

Thats generally in relation to cheating though - OP has a photo from 10 years ago she forgot to delete. Clearly not the same thing.

Grim, you're well rid

Honestly, I think you’re dumb not to have remembered you had them, and I’m not surprised he was upset. I’m not clear how you could have forgotten you have them? I think a lot of people would react similarly if they knew their partner still had these videos on their device.

his reaction was disproportionate but he isn’t BU to be upset by this.

If it's difficult enough to have to search it, I can't be bothered.

I can't believe how many are mixing up entitled to have had previous partners and keeping videos with them years later in another relationship.

I think I'd feel the same as the DH in this scenario if I found out my own DH had videos of himself with an ex and had 'forgotten' to delete them.

Ok but then a bit weird to complain about it then.

Wait... so he can't handle the fact you (hold on to your chair): were in a relationship with another man before HIM and had sex with said ex-expartner? (how dare you!). Not only he can't handle the fact you had a life before him but he goes through your phone. This guy is deeply deeply insecure and the controlling type. He threw a massive wobble after checking your phone and going through your OLD private photos? .Don't worry, once he's over the wobble he will come back and use this against you for the rest of the relationship.

Please throw this one to the river 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

His behaviour is a massive red flag.

You can be absolutely sure that if a woman on here was talking about finding old sex videos with an ex on a husband's phone she'd be told that it was proof he was still in love with the ex.

This was my thought too.i think if you said you would do it with him , i bet everything would be grand again!

He didn’t find 10 year old videos while looking for a holiday he went on with you. He was snooping on your phone. Good riddance for that, and his absolute over reaction. Frankly sounds to me like he was ready for an excuse; what sensible man dumps someone for this otherwise?

Personally, I'd say good riddance.

Yes, he was right to be upset these videos were still on your phone.

But he watched them. Plural. Enough to complain about what you did/didn't do in them compared to what you did with him. That's a gross invasion of your personal videos, whether they should have been there or not, and he kept clicking on the 'next' one until he'd watched all 6 clearly.

And what you did/didn't do with someone in the past for whatever reason has no bearing on how you feel about doing it with someone else in the future. He has zero right to be upset about that. No means no, and consent is required for any and all sexual acts.

Mumsnet has spoken: women are allowed keep multiple sex videos with an ex (or exes) performing sex acts that they now refuse to do with their current partner, and if their current partner happens to find those videos he is a controlling abuser.

Meanwhile, women are allowed go through their partner's phone, for any reason they want or none at all, and if they find so much as a photo of a former female acquaintance, the man is obviously a cheater and is keeping the photo for his own gratification.

Double standards on steroids! 🙄

(PS I bet she knew damn well she still had those vids too!)

I can see why your DP is angry, that must have been a complete shock for him. I’m sure it was an accident but see it from his side.

Personally i would not go through my partners old photos because that's just intrusive and I could find out the hard way he had a life before me (how dare he!), no it doesn't mean he's still in love with her, like the OP said he could easily just have an old phone. i would also make sure he never ever records me naked because clearly he's very sloppy about keeping private videos (the fact i just watched them would be proof). I would pull a blind eye on the whole thing and make sure this man never gets a single naked selfie from me as they're probably going to end in the hands of his next GF once we break up.

If I found videos of my husband having sex with an ex, I'd be really freaked out. And if they were doing things he wouldn't do with me, I'd feel insecure on top. I wouldn't be able to get the images out of my head, and however I tried to rationalise it, my irrational insecurities would win for a good few weeks.

So I understand why he is freaked out and upset.

But I don't believe anyone accidentally stumbles across videos taken 10 years ago, and the fact he is calling it a day and treating something that happened before you knew him as a betrayal is not reasonable or fair.

Well no one has said that. What some people have said is that accessing photos from 10 years ago when you don't have permission to do so is not right. Some other people have said it is right. There has been no consensus. In fact I think if anyone could be bothered to add up, more people are saying its ok and berating the OP. Some posters (me included) have drawn a distinction between a person (man or woman) in a relationship where they have deep routed suspicions of cheating and are being gas lighted. In this scenario, the OPs (I hope ex) was watching a video on her phone and then took it upon himself to go through her 10 year strong photos. Which i think is unacceptable and wuold be enough for me to say cherrio anyway. Also this is an online forum so you do get differences of opinion and thats ok too.