DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

No. If I did that we would have had a threesome wouldn't we?

Do you have an inability to debate with others whi have a different point of view than you without trying to be personal, because I'm getting vibes that you do that?

Oh sorry I thought that was for me!

I had an ex do this. Went through my phone and found sexts from many years before I met him. CF was the one who cheated yet he would still always bring it up.

Having said that (hypocritical I know), if found multiple videos of my partner shagging another woman and doing sex acts he wouldn’t do with me, I’d probably be utterly turned off too. I’d try and get over it but knowing me, I probably wouldn’t.

Cut your losses. He shouldn’t be going through your phone and this will always come up during arguments. He might see it as a free pass to cheat. Don’t waste your time and energy on him.

Bravo well said!

OP you've had a very lucky escape imo and you should have been the one dumping him for this gross invasion of your privacy! He is basically punishing you for having a sexual past.

If someone gives you permission to literally search through their photos/videos, then you can hardly blame them when they find photos/videos you don’t want them to see!

Yes, his browsing extended beyond the particular parameters of looking for a holiday photo, but it was after he’d been given free rein to search her photos/videos, and as he presumably was not told “don’t under any circumstances look at any videos from 10 years ago”, then I really don’t see what he did as a big deal at all.

Maybe they did the act and decided they didn’t like it. Being disappointed in not being able to do something to someone else’s body is a bit demanding.

She didnt 'literally give him permission to search through her videos'. She didnt literally give him permission to look at all. This is what she says she gave him permission for:

He was using it to watch something whilst I was showering and then went on to the camera roll, he says he was looking for a photo from a previous holiday and stumbled across the videos

So she gave him permission to watch a video. He then took it upon himself to look for a photo, without permission. And then looked through 10 years worth of photos and videos.

So yes. He doesn't have any right to be uoset and the OP has had a lucky escape

Your body your rules, personally I would message him to ask him if he had any of his things at yours so you can bag them up and leave them by the door ready for him to collect.
Everyone has a past so in hindsight once he realised it was you in the video he should of stopped watching, I'm assuming he saw all 6 for his reaction. You can erase your last but you can carve out your future and you can do better than this wannabe film critic.

I think most people who can see why the boyfriend is upset are bothered by her keeping the videos (which is something she has done during her current relationship), not about anything she did before the relationship. It's not the fact she did or filmed the stuff, it's keeping the videos and not taking any care over them.

Sharing a phone with your boyfriend on which you have videos with your ex is so recklessly unkind that I suspect if the sexes were reversed people would think the boyfriend had done it intentionally to fuck with her.

Its cool.

The more that poster posts, it reminds me of a boyfriend I had once who would use that type of manipulation to get what he wanted.

I agree

He did not have permission to scroll back TEN YEARS.

Its like GDPR - he had permission to look for a photo from a specific date and time. He did not have permission to go beyond those dates.

Only if they were sorted in reverse date order?

She forgot they were there, she deleted them when she knew.

Being upset about having previous sexual partners = unreasonable and odd

Being upset about a video of having sex with previous partners on your phone = not even in the slightest bit unreasonable

I find it quite disrespectful to both the current partner and the past partner tbh. The intimate relationship with the previous partner has ended and with it, so should intimate footage. A new relationship has started, and with it, previous sex tapes should probably be wiped.

As for "forgot they were there..." Give over. If that came out of a man's mouth there's not a poster on this thread that would give it an ounce of credibility

He didnt even have permission to look for a photo from a specific time or date. The OP says he was watching a video on her icons and accessed the camera roll.

I mean your main point seems to be your husband had a threesome, which is neither here nor there

He had permission to look at her phone. In many relationships looking through each other's photos is normal, because they are photos of your shared life. My DH can look at my phone photos any time he wishes, they are mostly of holidays we've taken together and our pets so Id find it weird to keep that from him.

I think keeping videos of you shagging your ex is a much worse crime. I don't believe OP didn't know they were there, firstly most phones quite regularly show you "memories", and secondly a video of you doing what I assume is anal is something your going to absolutely remember and want to delete asap. And even if you are okay with the thought of your husband having a threesome with his ex and keeping a video of it, its quite reasonable for this to be a deal breaker

No he's not punishing her, he's dumped her because she has kept a record of her sexual past for the last ten years.
We all understand that pretty much everyone we meet has a sexual past and a history of previous relationships, but I think a lot of people (and certainly if the genders were reversed and it was him who had explicit videos of him and an ex) would not be happy that their current partner had held onto them.

I was answrting your questions about the threesome.

He didnt have permission to look at her phone. He had permission to watch a video on her phone and accesed the camera roll.

Please see OP:

He was using it to watch something whilst I was showering and then went on to the camera roll, he says he was looking for a photo from a previous holiday and stumbled across the videos

How on earth did he find it if it was from years ago? I can’t even find videos from a couple of years ago!!!

Ah so he’s just pissed he doesn’t get to do what’s in the video? In that case please do not try anymore

Oooooooooh.

This has absolutely nothing to do with those videos and is his temper tantrum that you did the ol’ whatever the hell it was with an ex and you won’t do it with him.

Do not engage. He’ll promise to come back if you do whatever the fuck it is, which is coercive sex, and honey, no. Just huge no.

And his excuses for how he stumbled onto ten-year-old videos doesn’t hold water. He went looking for trouble and he found it. FAFO type shite.

See this for the lucky escape it is op. Sorry he was a disappointment but onwards and upwards.

To go by experience and peer experiences, many women keep mementos like this due to happy memories, sadness over lost love

I don't think any other woman I've ever met would keep homemade porn in which her face wasn't even visible 'due to happy memories, sadness over lost love'. Nobody looks at a picture of their tits being spunked on and thinks 'aw, that was so romantic'. There's only one reason I'd deliberately keep a memento like that and it wouldn't be 'sadness over lost love', I can tell you. It would be because watching it turned me on.

And certainly, people might be shit at camera roll admin, but in my experience that's just as likely to be the case for men as it is for women. My DP has, I discovered recently when he was moaning about the time it was taking for him to set up a new phone, never deleted a single picture or video from his phone. There were pictures on his phone of some scratches on a hire car he rented in 2011, ffs, plus a video he'd sent me to show me how to reset our boiler in a house we sold 10 years ago.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with filming sex between consenting adults and there's nothing wrong with being rubbish at deleting stuff, either. But it's a colossal double standard to say that's fine for women to do it but not fine for men.

I think the OP's boyfriend sounds like a total arsehole, personally, but if his feelings for her have changed as a result of what he's seen, then he's allowed to end the relationship. People are entitled to end a relationship for any reason they like. It doesn't matter whether the other person in that relationship thinks it's valid.

I suspect that if he doesn't end the relationship, he'll bring this up every time there's an argument and be vile about it, so I think the OP would be best to walk away herself at this point anyway and consider she's dodged a bullet.

My samsung randomly throws up...on this day... type things on my phone

Yes, mine served up an 'eight years ago' montage only the other day. I hate them. One of the people pictured has since died.