DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

Disagree. He has an absolute right to have had a threesome years ago and decided later that he did not want to. Whether I wanted to or not. I would then decide whether its soemthing I could live with or live without. I am also mature and secure enough to know that he could enjoy something with someone else. And it not mean he likes me less or finds me less attractive.

Lots of posters who have had abusive partners, project their own experiences on their posts

This! Don't take him back. He'll just use this as an excuse to snoop, and coerce you into sex acts you don't wish to do.

Anybody has right to end a relationship for whatever reason. His reasons are valid to him and OP should respect that without trying to decide whether he was “right” or “wrong” to end things with her.
It doesn’t make him abusive or controlling that he doesn’t want to continue the relationship.

Honestly if you came across a video of your husband having a threesome with someone else on his phone I think it's quite natural to be upset

OP obviously has the right to no longer want to do certain sex acts, but let's not pretend it wouldn't be hurtful to find they'd kept a video of them doing that act with someone else for nearly 10 years!

It really wouldn’t be.

He hasn't blocked you because he wants you to grovel, and he's looking forward to that bit.

Block HIM and take control. He's allowed to end the relationship, just as you are. Make sure it's permanent from your end.

If it was something I really wanted to do, then I literally watched him in a video doing it with other women, it would upset me. I have feelings, and I’m not a robot.

Do you want a threesome with your husband? If so, have you watched a video of him having a threesome with other women?

The one unanswered question so far is why has the OP kept the videos.
She's already said that she wasn't happy making them and that her partner at the time was at least a little bit coercive so why would you keep videos (especially explicit ones) that remind you of that relationship.
I'd have thought that the first thing you do when a relationship ends (and certainly what I have done) is delete any photos, texts, phone numbers, emails etc. of the other person, if only to clear space in the phone memory ?
I'm sorry I don't buy "I've got six videos of me having sex with someone I didn't like but forgot to delete them after ten years...."
The OP may also wish to wonder what her ex has done with his copies of the videos?
From a technical note I'd also like to know what sort of phone has enough memory to store video data from ten years ago ?

I'm not saying it wouldn't be hurtful. I am saying that the OPs partner looked through her phone going back 10 years, and he didnt have permission to do so.

I’d feel relieved he ended it after that message he sent you

Cloud?

No i haven't had a threesome with him. Because he doesn't want one. He enjoyed it but he didnt like the aftermath of it. I dont think that means he prefers sex with his ex. I havent seem a video either. I also haven't gone through his phone over the past 10 years. Or his Facebook for that matter. If I do do that, and find something that is hurtful, I would think that was on me.

You're an idiot to have kept the videos and I'd be really unimpressed and hurt if a partner of mine had done this, and I would also suspect they'd been kept for a reason. Are people really this reckless about videos, to the point that you don't even know you have them on your phone? So much that could go wrong here.

It's probably over, I'm afraid. Sure, he shouldn't have been looking through the videos but given that you share phones and allow each other to access them, I'm not sure that's quite the sin some are making it out to be.

I didn’t ask if he wanted a threesome.

I asked if you wanted one, then watched a video of him having a threesome with other women.

People are saying ‘don’t take him back’ bla bla, she’s the one starting a thread asking if he’s unreasonable because she wants him back, he already dumped her. Everyone can leave a relationship for whatever reason if it doesn’t work for them anymore.

Whether he should have watched the video is neither here or there, he saw her explicit videos with her ex, he’s unhappy and can’t get over it and has ended the relationship because it’s not working for him. You may be happy if you saw explicit videos like that of your partner but he’s not and he has every right and free will to leave the relationship and he has.

I can't understand the point of this thread. he thinks it's over. How would the views of us random internet folk have any bearing at all on it ?

Yes i did want one, but he didnt want one for the reasons above. I havent watched a video, again for the reasons above, but I know he had and enjoyed a thressome with his exwife.

He’s not going to get past this. I don’t think I’d see my husband for dust if he watched 6 videos of me having sex with someone else, especially if it featured things he longed for but I was refusing!

And how would you feel if you saw that encounter with the XW? Would you be happy to have seen that?

Do you coerce people into doing something you want just because they had done it before, even though you knew they didn't want to do it?

I'm getting proper vibes from your post that you do that.

No I wouldn't. But I wouldn't be going through his phone.

I don't think he's that into you.

No way I would stay with a man who kept videos of him and his ex shagging. I find it hard to believe people who are justifying the OP by saying it's private, it's before they met etc.

Also it really doesn't take that much of a deep dive to see photos/videos from 10 years ago on a phone... Mine rotates various photos and groups them and deliberately shows me ones I've not seen for ages. Even if scrolling through videos it would take me a matter of seconds to get to a decade ago (and that's hundreds/thousands of videos). Everyone is acting like he's spent hours sleuthing to crack some top secret code.

No. But if someone has set a boundary, I don’t want to watch a video of them doing it with a previous partner.