DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

Yes, of course it would, and I’d bet good money that it would upset the majority of those posters who are trying to be cool and pretend it wouldn’t. I bet many would even end their relationships over it.

Tbh I wouldn’t want to be with someone who is behaving the way he is

Can we all just stop saying he found videos that were 10 years old. She didn't say that! She said she had stuff that was ten years old. She didn't say the videos were ten years old.
We don't know how long ago these were taken

Everyone has a sexual past. A few forgotten videos doesn't make someone a demon.

Neither does looking at photos on your DPs phone when they’ve given you unconditional access to it…. apart from on MN when it’s somehow a hanging offence.

You're a snooper as well then?

True, but most people also wouldn't want to be with someone who keeps "explicit/X rated" videos of themselves ten years after they split from a previous partner on their phone.
I think they should just both walk away and start again.

I'd get rid now, of both him and the videos on your phone, he will hold this over you .

What do they do though? Give me an example of where a woman on here said went through her partners phone, and found videos from years ago before they met and was told that was ok?

It’s your phone.
It’d your life and history

It has got absolutely nothing to do with him, his reaction is bizarre. He could have stopped looking and asked you gently to delete them because it’s uncomfortable - if he had permission to use your phone and stumbled on them. If he didn’t have your consent, it’s a huge violation.

There are plenty of reasons why he may have found them innocently.

They may have been in the same year as the photo he was looking for (as I and only one other seem to have noticed, she doesn’t say how old the actual videos are), he may have sought out a place where the photo he was looking for was taken (her house, presumably), or he may have been looking for a pic of them holding hands or something and the search included the videos.

Of course, he may have been forensically trying to find just what he found!

We just don’t know.

Yes, I agree that's true. It would also make me feel like shit. But he (and PPs) shouldn't be shaming OP for making the videos of forgetting she had them, or for not wanting to do the act anymore. Be upset, end the relationship, but no need to act like she's committed some heinous crime.

She didnt give him permission to look through her phone. She gave him permission to look for a specific photo of them together. He did not do that.

No one is saying that she doesn’t have the right not to repeat past sex acts… but to pretend most people, man or woman, wouldn’t be at least be a bit put out that their DP won’t do sexual acts they did with their ex is delusional.

“I may have been comfortable trying something nearly 10 years ago, but that doesn’t mean I am now.”

Direct from the OP’s post.

My husband had a threesome many years ago and doesn't want to do it again. Should I be upset?

That's ridiculous and why was he on your phone in the first place? Surely you need to be very determined to find something, anything, to dig up to the 10 years old files!
Besides the very reason being incredibly silly (who ends things over whatever old stuff on their SO's phone, my goodness!), it also seems suspicious. Could it be that he was just looking for a reason to end everything while having his own reasons he just didn't want to disclose? Maybe he cheated himself or just wanted to break up but didn't have the guts to have an honest conversation so he made up the situation where you would be "at fault"?

She does actually say I may have been comfortable trying something nearly 10 years ago in a subsequent post.

Fair enough but I read this from the first post to mean that the other stuff was even older than the videos
But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years

Well, I'd say you've dodged a bullet frankly.

That’s their problem! Something for them to learn to manage. As an adult there might be plenty of things we can get animated about, but everyone’s entitled to their own history and privacy.

You’re splitting hairs here. If someone gives you permission to look for a particular photo, then it follows they don’t have an issue with you looking at their photo album! You can’t look for a specific photo without seeing lots of others!

OK, so he was curious and looked at some other photos when he did so, so what? She’s already clearly indicated that she had no problem looking through her phone photos!

If someone hands you a photo album and says “have a look to find so-and-so photo, I think it’s near the front”, it’s hardly a major offence to then flick through other pages out of curiosity. That’s effectively all he’s done here.

To be fair if my DH had kept multiple videos of him railing and ex partner I wouldn't be impressed either, I'd be even less impressed if he was giving her oral as well - something he has refused to do with me.

I do find it strange that so many posters are trying to label the boyfriend as abusive when there's nothing to indicate that, he knows where his line is and he's ditched OP rather than drawing it out.

I dont believe i am. I have access to my husbads phone as we both know our codes. I also have been asked by him to look for something. I do not think that this means I can look through it all, and not would i. I actually have a lot of trust issues due to my exh. But these are my issues. If you erode trust in a relationship by pkaying fast and loose with privacy you are on a hiding to nothing. In this case the OPs (i really hope) ex partner looked through 10 years of photos. She did not consent to that. And on your example of a photo album, you would likely be there when the person was looking through it. The OPs ex did not do this in front of her

Not everyone guards their phones with their lives. My partner can look in my phone any time, I don’t see the problem as I have nothing to hide?

That depends… if you loved threesomes, and he’s done them with others in the past, but now refused to do so with you, then yes, I think it would be reasonable to be upset with that.

But if you don’t like threesomes (and I’m guessing you don’t) then obviously it would be silly to get upset over it.