DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

It doesn’t matter if he has, distributing it would be a criminal offence.

Probably for the same reason women go through their partner's phones, and they're usually encouraged to do so on here.

He’s a creep for snooping and watching the videos in detail so he can critique the content! You are well rid of him.

OP, all you can do now is let him go.

It doesn’t matter whether he was snooping or found the videos by accident. Did he know you had done this sex act before? It’s a tough one because if you said you’d done it and didn’t like it he’d say “you did it with him but you won’t do it with me” and if you said you’d never done it and had no interest, he’d say “how do you know you wouldn’t like it if you’ve never tried it” - but both of these responses are immature, selfish and manipulative. A decent man will say “oh, ok, you don’t want to” and leave it at that.

I think you’ll be better off honestly, he sounds jealous, manipulative and controlling.

If he searched Google photos or whatever the Apple version is sometimes that brings up stuff totally unrelated. OP. Did say they use each other's phones so he may not have been digging

It's not humiliating. It's not about her partner at all, it's nothing to do with him so he can't be humiliated. She's said she forgot they were there. She could have said "oh sorry forgot about those, I'll delete them now" and that could have been the end of it.

Any acts she will or won't do with him, for whatever reasons, are a completely separate issue. If he felt bad about what he saw (when snooping), then it was for him to deal with. It's his choice to draw the line where he wants, but he shouldn't be shaming the OP.

There is a lot to unpick, but a couple of things stand out to me.

Firstly your opening post implied you didn't really want to make the videos in the first place. That implies you are not good at maintaining boundaries - or knowing what the boundaries ought to be.

The second thing is that your current partner "stumbled" across them. If they were from 10 years ago, he would had to have gone back a long way to "stumble" over them.

Thirdly, who's idea was it to use the other person's phone when yours/their's is on charge etc ? DH and I occasionally use the other's phone if we can't get a good signal on our own, but it's not the norm. Was it your DP's idea originally?

My take on this is that your DP may not be as nice as you think he is, and he often checks your phone under the guise of his being on charge.

His reaction has been a bit OTT and dramatic and he may be wanting you to to be very contrite before he agrees to reconsider. Which will definitely give him the upper hand in the relationship going forward and you may find yourself agreeing to do the stuff you don't want to do

Tell him that you are sorry he feels the way he does, but you tried something once and didn't enjoy it and have no intention of trying it again. If he can't get past that and respect your boundaries then the relationship is dead in the water anyway.

Then run away and find someone nicer - or just enjoy the freedom of being single.

Christ, who hurt you? Determined to make this the OPs fault definitely comes from your inner pain somewhere.

Everyone has a sexual past. A few forgotten videos doesn't make someone a demon.

If someone has well-founded suspicions that their partner is currently using swinger or fetish sites or paying for escort services, or has an OW, yes. Not photos or videos from 10 years ago.

This. I mean, say a man won’t give a woman oral sex. Then she finds six videos of him having sex with a previous partner, and him giving her oral sex is featured. This wouldn’t sit well with me. Sorry, OP.

He sounds an immature twat. That was then, this is now. I worry this is some pathetic attempt to try to get you to do something you obviously don't want to. He sounds manipulative, reactive and a red flag.
A real man would accept that you made the videos with an ex, it's not like you cheated, and would have moved on. If he wants to throw the future away over ancient history, that's his problem, you deserve better ❤️ move on with your life xx

If a man said that, people would be saying it was a disgusting attitude, that women don't owe men anything, that people have a right to change their minds about what they enjoy and consent to...

??
Has it occurred to you she may have tried something, reflected, not been comfortable to do it again and therefore has every right not to?

Demanding something because an ex got it - whatever it is - is toxic and manipulative

Eh? Everyone absolutely has the right to not give consent to anything they want. Whether they've done it before or not.

Some weird thinking there

He's the bad person here, snooping and then saying that he's annoyed you did something in a video you won't do with him. Wtf?! What you did with anyone else in the past is none of his business, and it very much sounds like he's trying to force you into it. I'd just leave him to it to cool down for a while, nd just say - I'm here to talk if/when you want to. Then ball is in his court. But whatever you do don't be blackmailed.

I'm staggered by the amount of women , of which there are many , who do the same thing in here and only get a mild rebuke by a few posters, and I'm a woman !

Looking for photos from "your holiday" and managed to scroll back 10 years?

Let him go

😱😱😱

People do have a right to set and change their boundaries. But if the boundary has been set with me, and I watch a video of him doing this with another woman, it’s going to make me feel like shit.

People do have a right to set and change their boundaries. But if the boundary has been set with me, and I watch a video of him doing this with another woman, it’s going to make me feel like shit.

People do have a right to set and change their boundaries. But if the boundary has been set with me, and I watch a video of him doing this with another woman, it’s going to make me feel like shit.

‘It's not humiliating. It's not about her partner at all, it's nothing to do with him so he can't be humiliated.

She's said she forgot they were there. She could have said "oh sorry forgot about those, I'll delete them now" and that could have been the end of it.

Any acts she will or won't do with him, for whatever reasons, are a completely separate issue. If he felt bad about what he saw (when snooping), then it was for him to deal with. It's his choice to draw the line where he wants, but he shouldn't be shaming the OP.’

What has become of empathy and nuanced thought?!

He feels it is to do with him, as clearly he feels she was attracted to her ex enough to do ‘the act’ but not to him. Hence the ‘humiliation’. That may be completely untrue but that doesn’t invalidate his feelings.

I am not totally believing of the OP when she says she didn’t feel comfortable etc. Of course, that is possible with simultaneously finding reviewing them exciting. As PP have said, there are six videos (the OP hasn’t said they were snippets or taken at the same time), so it is reasonable to assume that they were taken separately and kept.

It is one of those difficult situations on both sides. He feels bad but, using (a particular type) of pure logic, he shouldn’t care. After all, it all happened long ago (not necessarily as long as people are assuming, she says her photos go back 10 years, not that these videos are 10 years old, they could be much newer) and everyone is allowed a previous sex life.

And no one owns anyone else’s body, he needs to respect her boundaries.

But….

The majority of people expect sex in a relationship and, for different people, that may include different acts (oral, for instance). Is expecting a guy to do oral ‘owning them’ or ‘controlling’ them, or a reasonable condition within the context of a relationship?

There are no black and white answers and I don’t think it it unreasonable he is upset and may need some time alone to process. Ultimately, if OP wants to continue the relationship, they need to have an honest conversation. If she doesn’t, of course, that is equally her prerogative.

What abusive and controlling coercive behaviour?

He was looking at photos on his DP’s phone which SHE HAD WILLINGLY GAVE ACCESS TO!.. And got upset when he found home-made porno clips of her!

Ok, so he didn’t respond in the ideal, most measured, way possible, that doesn’t equate to abuse or coercive control! The level of exaggeration, projection and distortion of this man’s actions is astonishing!

As many others have said, it doesn't really sound like he found these accidentally. He must have been looking if they're so old you forgot they were on there.
Meanwhile, not to add fuel to the fire (sorry) but is there a possibility he's forwarded them to his own phone? Is he angry enough to post them somewhere? Revenge porn is a serious crime - you might want to remind him of that.

What?

the consensus would be (a) looking at his phone was in no way justified as she should not have been looking for media from TEN YEARS AGO does not mean they are cheating justified because her suspicions had been confirmed and (b) she would be 100% right to BE dumpED.