DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

Agreed. If OP had found such videos on her DP's phone it would have been near 100% LTB.

Something tells me you haven't RTFT.

Rewind. Why is he looking through your phone?

Assuming he didn't think you were a virgin before you met, he knew about your previous relationship(s). All he's done is decided to watch you within that previous relationship. You've told him you no longer use the videos for anything. He doesn't trust you. I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't trust me nor be with someone who chooses to watch something and then flips their lid over it. I am like you, there's all sorts of crap on my 'phone and I couldn't tell you half of it. I just have priorities of what things I organise and old files on my 'phone are not one of those things. Life's busy.

Sure. But in the choices that are made, men (who are also complex and evolving) can infer information. It isn't about being owed something but what it means that it wasn't freely and enthusiastically given. Again, I don't think he has behaved well and I don't think that what I am saying shows a secure mindset, but burying ones head in the sand doesn't make things go away.

I would end a relationship over these circumstances too. It’s all too grim. I’m on his side.

YABU op. You should’ve deleted those videos years ago - I’d be mortified they even existed in the first place.

He's allowed to end it with you for any reason or none isn't he. I'm sorry you're hurting.

I'm finding the posts from men on here very enlightening as they clearly have no idea that most women - like really MOST - are going to have been coerced into doing something sexually they're not that keen on when young. It is basically painted as expected as you by society. Getting all butt hurt by it (pardon the phrase, no doubt relevant) because your partner when older and more confident in what they don't want won't do it with you is fucking pathetic and just shows men have no interest whatsoever in the experiences of women. Just the ways in which they will excite their stupid knobs. If you look at it that way you are well rid OP.

Really? So because you've done something once you have to do it again? I went camping with my ex husband, and I enjoyed it. I don't want to do it now as I'm older. I think there's probably some videos of it on facebook as well. Should my now husband be devastated? That applies even more to sex. You can do things, or not do things amd give or take away permission at any point. Being devastated because your partner once enjoyed sex with someone else is batshit.

I often send myself nice pictures my DH has taken of my kids/the kids with me, but even though I have permission, I don’t go scrolling through YEARS worth of pictures until I’m in definitely before-we-we’re-together territory and then flip my lid over what I find there.

And to the people saying you can use the search or categories, what do you think he typed in the search or what category could he have been looking in, knowing that OP’s face wasn’t in the video so he can’t have been looking through a collection of images of her?

Only if you're a woman. If it was a woman posting that she'd found sex videos of her boyfriend and his ex, she would immediately be told to leave him because he's clearly wanking over her

"and then went on to the camera roll, he says he was looking for a photo from a previous holiday and stumbled across the videos."
Bullshit, he was snooping unless you told him you were a virgin he knows you had sex before him so thats all on him, if hes reacted like this hes not going to drop it, it will get thrown in your face in every disagreement, dump

We don't know what she only did it once. She may have done it many times and enjoyed it all those times. And that would be absolutely ok. Why are people keen to make out that she was forced or not willing when she hasn't actually said that. She said she was uncomfortable with the filming so she could have also said she was uncomfortable with the act itself, but she didn't. And thst is fine. Why can't that be fine?

'I wasn't keen on the act, so I only made six videos of me doing it'

Ok, but so what if he was…

The OP has said that they allowed each other to access each others phones, so this isn’t a case of him hacking in or accessing it when she inadvertently hadn’t locked the screen.

Given they had given access to each others phones, he had no reason to suspect there was anything untoward or private on there, and was just browsing old photos… In the circumstances I don’t see why this is even a “crime’, let alone a relationship-ending one…. it’s no different to looking at a photo album really.

But this is MN, and where there’s a bloke there’s smoke… And if there’s smoke, there’s fire… and if there’s fire, it’s LTB…

It’a crazy how a man looking through some photos on his partner’s open phone that she voluntarily made available to him, is somehow an abusive monster for getting upset when he found numerous undeleted clips of homemade porn of her and an ex!

MN truly goes through the looking glass sometimes - it’s double-standards wouldn’t be out of place in Orwell’s 1984!

Hopefully the latest ex hasn't sent it to himself before flouncing off!

I bet a fiver than he comes crawling back and at some point this abusive and controlling coercive behaviour will continue.

Stop judging her - he shouldn't have looked at them full stop. Even if he did find them and viewed one because he didn't know what they were he should have stopped and asked her not just looked at them - it is an invasion of privacy and totally unacceptable! Also if she is open with her phone, if she knew they were there she would surely have deleted them so obviously genuinely forgot they were there! He is sulking because she won't do something for him that she did for an ex!

I usually disagree with posts that say, "If the situation were reversed the reaction would be completely different...", but in this case I have to agree. Whatever the rights and wrongs of him looking on your phone - and there are ambivalent views on MN concerning that- I presume you would be deeply upset if the situation were reversed.

If not, then crack on. You've been extremely careless with something you were unwise to allow in the first place, and now, sadly, it's come back to bite you on the bum. I'm sorry about that. Please use it as a learning experience.

He is a dick

Why was he going through your phone?

Wow. Judgemental and patronising.

Sounds like he was looking for a reason to break it off to me. Nobody goes back through someone's photo reel that far for no reason or at the very least he wants you to do the thing you've refused.

Stop grovelling to him. He's behaving like a dick.

Unless both partners were virgins , they will have a sexual past. Some partners want to know about it, some absolutely don’t. Perhaps the bigger issues are searching through a phone to such an extent they find something ten years old, that’s a lot of scrolling, hardly just looking at the last couple of messages or photos they’ve exchanged and maybe suggests some real insecurities. Additionally, people need to think about what’s on their phones, totally agree that without consciously looking everything just transfers over to a new phone, but those videos/ photos are accessible on the cloud and can be found by people who know how to look, not me I hasten to add, so we all need to think carefully about making and storing videos that perhaps we don’t really want others to see.

First page of replies show the double standards of Mumsnetters.

Opening post from the OP clearly indicates she has kept sex videos of her and her ex in her phone.

If the roles were reversed there would be no focus on 'going through the phone'.

Im not surprised hes called it quits, 6 videos kept including ones showing acts you havent done with him? Thats humilating .

Oh, and you definitely kept them for a reason.

You're better off without him. He invaded your privacy, and does not understand consent. Just because you did something with a previous partner doesn't mean you owe your current partner the same.