DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

He sounds absolutely pathetic so yes, it would be the end, but I would be the one getting rid of him. It’s ridiculous and he sounds like a child, are you very young? These were old photos which he could clearly see. You had a past before him god forbid. Can you imagine how he would react to something actually bad!!!

The double standards in this place are breathtaking sometimes.

@Sunnibee ,

‘No it's not hard to get past. Women don't owe you particular sex acts. Our bodies are not a public service required to distribute it all out fairly and equally . We are people with complex , evolving and situational preferences, desires and feelings about our bodies HTH.’

And men don’t owe ‘you’ a relationship. It’s not an HTH at all.

If your partner/husband refused to go down on you (for example) because he said he hated it, and then you saw a video of him enthusiastically going down on his ex, would you really think ‘oh well, he was young then and his desires have changed’. I seriously doubt it.

I am not saying that it’s not true or unreasonable for the OP to have changed and be more certain of her likes/disliked, but it’s not a black and white thing if OP wants her relationship to continue. Some sympathetic talk is required and maybe some counselling.

Sounds as if you might have gone from one abuser to another.

Don't be distraught, be relieved.

Even if he isn't abusive he can leave for any reason.

Or he has dementia.

It’s rubbish that he just ‘stumbled across them’ whilst looking for holiday pics. He was deliberately searching for old pictures/ videos from 10 years ago. His reaction is completely unhinged and he has no right to try and shame you.

It sounds like a really upsetting situation, and I can understand why both of you may be feeling hurt right now.
Finding old intimate memories on a partner’s phone can bring up strong emotions, but the context matters. If these videos were genuinely forgotten from many years ago and you haven’t been keeping or revisiting them intentionally, that is very different from actively holding onto them as part of a current attachment to an ex.
At the same time, your partner may need some time to process how he feels. Trying to force a conversation while emotions are high could make things worse. Giving him a little space for a day or two may help, then you could reach out calmly and explain that you understand why it upset him, while also being honest about what happened.
A relationship ending over one discovery made in an emotional moment may feel extreme, but the bigger issue is how both of you handle conflict and trust going forward. A calm conversation about boundaries, privacy, and expectations may reveal whether this is something you can work through together.

He must’ve been really digging through your phone to find videos from 10 years ago. I think it’s understandable to have old stuff, modern phones can hold tens of thousands of photos and I would struggle to find all the photos or videos of my exes.

I know you are sad but it’s a blessing really. Instead of an actual conversation, he became angry and jealous and made accusations. This is emotional immaturity and as a PP said, imagine his reaction if something actually bad happened if this is his reaction to something from 10 years ago. Jealousy would’ve ruined your relationship anyway

Ignoring all the other noise, just from his point of view if you've been with your partner whose not been interested in an act, you come to terms with that and live with their choice, and then you find evidence that they'd happily do said act with another partner in the past. It would be absolutely devasting

He is desperately insecure by definition as he went through her phone. I am staggered by the amount of women who think this is ok.

OP, you may not see it yet, but you are better off without this man, so let him go.

You gave him permission to use your phone to watch a film and he waited until you were in the shower and unable to observe him to delve into other things. If he wanted a holiday snap, he could have just asked you for it when you were out of the shower.

He went looking for something and found evidence of you having a sexual relationship with someone who predated him.

1. He shouldn’t have been searching your phone
2. He should accept that you had sex before you met him
3. This is about anal sex I’m going to guess (it’s always about anal 🙄)

It sounds like you had consensual sex with a previous partner and filmed it. You tried something new, you didn’t like it and decided you wouldn’t be doing it in future. This is all normal.

You meet current man, he wants anal/different sex you say no. Hopefully he accepts that and moves on, never asking again (no means no, right?). But it wouldn’t surprise me if this guy asked more than once, or asked Why? And pushed you on the matter.

Very armchair psychologist here, but I do believe that men who have a Madonna/whore complex (I.e. they’re happy to shag around with women, but want their partner to be an actual or near virgin) are just looking for ways to devalue women, and they use slut-shaming as a way.

i would hazard a guess that he thinks you’re worth more than him in some way; maybe you earn more, own a home while he rents, are more educated, outwardly more objectively attractive, something like that. So he went looking for something in your phone that he could use to pull you down a peg or two, so he then has an upper hand in the relationship (as you’d have to beg for forgiveness/him back).

I’m guessing here, and I’m not saying that people tend to be happy if they view their partner having sex with someone else, but he’s essentially slut-shaming you for having sex in a previous relationship, possibly with the hopes of getting you to beg him back and do anal/whatever sexual thing he wants.

I’d own it, you had sex in a previous relationship, big whoop. Step back, don’t beg, don’t even contact him, this is a him problem. He went looking for something to have a go at you about and found something he could use. That’s not a healthy relationship to be in.

I’d be furious if DH still had videos of him and an ex having sex on his phone. I’d expect him to have deleted those when we got together, without me asking.

However, big issue is also why he was going through your phone and so far back?

Exactly what I was thinking!

Yes apparently she wasn't keen six times...

It's not about having sex before this partner though it's about keeping the videos

How long have you been together?

I would leave DH if he had a gallery of videos having sex with an ex. One can be explained as slipping through the web. I wouldn’t forgive multiple.

Oh come on. Use your brain.

God I’ve been married well over a decade and there’s probably dodgy videos buried somewhere on a device or in my emails from years gone by. I wouldn’t even know how to find them at this point really! I’m sure my husband had the same.

Don’t go looking for stuff you aren’t prepared to find!

She said she was then conformable trying them. That's a very, very far cry from saying she was comfortable doing them more than once even then.

Again, what does ‘going through her phone’ mean? Was it without OP’s permission? If so, yes, that is extreme disrespectful and a reason for ending the relationship.

But, maybe they both look at one another’s phones regularly or he asked OP if he could look for a photo which he liked.

And maybe he was digging, but maybe he just searched for a place or a term which brought up what he was looking for and these videos. It is easy to search a photo album these days.

Only OP knows the answers to these and can make a judgement based on what happened.

Did you quote me in error? I haven't said it is abusive and I agree, people can leave a relationship for any reason.

OP this is not a good man. He has no right to expect you behave in certain ways just because you did it in the past. That's very coercive and troubling. What is also concerning is that he's making out the relationship is over due to something related to past relationships that have nothing to do with him and I assume were between two consenting adults. It's basically jealousy and control and very worrying. I would take this as he's done you a favour and get out now whilst you can. No decent person would behave this way.

If a woman posted that she'd found old sex videos of her husband and his ex there's zero chance that the overwhelming response wouldn't be "LTB, he's kept them to wank over them".

I'd completely disagree with that though, and OP's partner is being ridiculous. Your partner has had a sexual history before you, everyone needs to get over that fact. Snooping through your partner's phone is a much worse red flag than forgetting about risque media. Sexual jealousy is honestly a major red flag as well. You dodged a bullet OP.

That said keep track of your sex videos and nudes better! I've never, ever forgotten where those are stored, and I'm not exactly an organised person.

and men don't owe you a relationship

certainly not. Where did I suggest that please? My advice to OP is that she has dodged a bullet , this man is controlling, insecure, possessive and doesn't respect her boundaries. No one needs a relationship with a man like that.
And to answer your questions, no I would never go through my partners phone for any reason especially to hunt for old videos. If I found any tbh i wouldn't care less, and I certainly wouldn't use that as an excuse to get angry at them. Why would I? Its none of my business what my partner did with women in the past; don't see men's bodies as my possessions.

Disagree. In most posts. Even where there have been serious flags that the person was doing something dodgy, the woman gets berated for 'snooping'. In this case, the OP hasnt done anything wrong. He hasnt found 'evidence' that his suspicions were right. What suspicions? So in this scenario he had suspicions that the OP had had sex with her ex and recorded it and he was right? Makes no sense at all.