DP wants to end relationship over old videos on my phone

[July26]

NC’d for understandable reasons.

DP went through my phone last night, and found very old videos I hadn’t deleted of me and my ex. Extremely stupid I know, both to have taken them in the first place (not something I was keen on, and my face isn’t visible), and to have not deleted them. But honestly, I forgot they were on there. I’ve got stuff on my phone going back nearly 10 years, it all carries over when I’ve upgraded my phone and I’ve never looked back at it/got round to deleting things.

He went mental, said we are over and he doesn’t want to listen to my ‘excuses’, he considers it a betrayal and questions whether I’ve still looked at them regularly when alone.

I am distraught, I love him and can’t imagine my life without him in it. We don’t live together but he was staying here this weekend and stormed out last night. He has ignored me today but I don’t seem to be blocked.

Do you think ending the relationship is over the top? Would you give it a day or two before contacting him again?

No. It doesn't. But he doesn't have to be in a relationship with her either.

Is that a MN rule - men aren’t allowed to speak to exes? I must have missed that one.

Are you new?

It’s one of those theory vs reality ones.

We all know that partners have had exes and had sex with them. And we know what they look like having sex.

It doesn’t mean that we want to view it in technicolour or that it won’t make us (irrationally) upset if we do see it.

Before smartphones, this would never have been an issue.

It shouldn’t be a deal breaker but anyone who allows their partner to see explicit videos of them with an ex should accept that they may be upset and to cut them some slack if they are.

I honestly believe that only a tiny percentage of people here would be able to see a video of their partner having sex with someone else and not be affected at all.

Fairly new - please could you point me to the site rule where it says this? Thanks.

I didn’t say he did. He can end the relationship for any reason he likes.

It's very common in threads where someone is still in touch with an ex, yes.

This is a difficult situation for you both. I would not want to see x rated videos of my partner with a former partner either. I think you need to give him space and time to cool off and take it from there. He will likely want to talk eventually but don't let him shame you when you do.

To be honest he's done you a favour. This are major red flags of a man who is controlling, possessive , insecure and doesn't respect your boundaries

Thing is, many of us are more open to experimenting when we are younger, but as we get older we realise what we like and don’t like and stick by it. There is nothing wrong with that, 10 years has passed for this lady which is a long time!

I’ve seen it often on here and if a man had videos of him having sex with an ex, no way would “I forgot it was there” be an allowable excuse!

He would’ve been accused of using them for pleasure often.

He didn't like what he found which is fair enough, but rather than storming out and being upset because it's an act that you haven't agreed to with him, he could have discussed it like the fully grown adult he is. However, maybe he needs time to process it all.

Either way, his actions show he is perhaps immature and insecure in relationships. If you reconcile and don't address this straight away he will bring it up every time you have a disagreement or he feels threatened.

Personally I'd let this one go.

Even more reason to delete then because if she, as she said, wasn't keen on doing it in the first place, she wasn't going to be watching them, was she?

But presumably you weren't talked into repeatedly making your videos. OP states she wasn't keen to make them in the first place.

Surely most of us would not watch such videos. The fact he knows what’s on them all means he’s actually watched some, if not all. Surely most of us would realise immediately then think “yuck” and have a conversation about it. He’s allowed to be upset but he’s overstepped by invading your privacy
a. To find them
b. To watch them
i think you’ve had a lucky escape op.

But she didnt 'allow' her boyfriend to see videos. He went through her phone. He 'said' he was looking for a photo of them. But obviously went on a fishing expedition and found a fish. Of course it wouldn't be comfortable to view, but he didn't have to did he? It's the old addage 'evesdroppers never hear any good of themselves' for the digital age. He snooped in her phone looking for something and found it. I hazard a guess he won't dump her. And will use this to get her to do said 'act'. OP, I assume you're not here any more but if you are, do not let him back in you've done nothing wrong.

Most people are somewhat insecure over sex! I honestly believe that.

And for him to have seen OP doing an act with an ex that she is no longer comfortable doing (she says it is a time thing, not a person thing, but we don’t really know) makes the whole situation even harder.

Again, most of us know on an intellectual level that we choose long term partners for a variety of reasons and we could well not be ‘the best ever sex’ for our partners.

But who wants to be confronted with it?! Who would tell their partner ‘all round you are great, but I compromised on sex, you are decent but not that amazing’. I suspect, for many, that is true but they know it isn’t the kind of thing they would ever say.

So, realistically, he isn’t ’desperately insecure’ or ‘not a keeper’ (although both may be true). It’s one of those difficult situations that may need time and effort (on both sides) to resolve.

I think he is talking shit, he has purposefully went looking back years ago snooping. Curiosity killed the cat in this instance.

I agree not ideal still having those vids, but like I said in previous post phones are so personal now, capturing chapters of our lives like a diary, hes looked into a past chapter when you were in another relationship.

Whats he expecting to find evidence of you being some virgin mary sitting knitting right up until he got with you. Hes out of order here.

We all know our boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband has a past, and with that comes ex-partners and previous sexual experiences. It's different knowing that, and then suddenly seeing it, in full colour and sound. I think most people, regardless how secure they may be within their relationship, would find that hard and upsetting.

No one wants to see a video(s) of their partner having sex with another person. Unless of course, that person has some sexual fetish!

The fact it's a sexual act that the OP refuses to engage into with her boyfriend, is going to sting for him. The OP is within her rights not to engage in sexual acts, she dislikes. When we're younger, we tend to experiment more, and therefore learn what we do and don't like doing in the bedroom. She shouldn't feel she has to do anything that she doesn't want to do, just because she has in previous relationships.

I think some of the issue is that the OP says she felt pressurised into doing the videos to start with but has still kept them on her phone for years. I think that would be hard to understand from her boyfriend's point of view. Also does the OP have the only copies or did her ex too? Her boyfriend may now be wondering if her ex is looking at his copies of the videos, on a regular basis!

Shouting and storming off wasn't a very mature way of handling the situation at all. He may need several days to process the information before he will talk to the OP. However, if he is adamant that he wants to end the relationship, then that's his right to do so.

The boyfriend was supposedly looking for a holiday picture taken last year. Yet generally pictures are kept separate from videos on a phone. So he must have been being nosy to start with, in order to have found the videos.

The 6 could've all be 20 seconds clips of the same occasion. Many phones only used to record about a max of 30 seconds a time

No it's not hard to get past. Women don't owe you particular sex acts. Our bodies are not a public service required to distribute it all out fairly and equally . We are people with complex , evolving and situational preferences, desires and feelings about our bodies HTH.

In the old mumsnet wisdom. Anyone can end a relationship for any reason. He’s got a line and has decided you’ve crossed it. Sounds like you will both be happier apart.

Good that you have deleted the videos, I am obviously old fashioned but I am 😮at how casual you are that they exist and are accessible by anyone who has access to your phone. Seems pretty risky to me.

Nevertheless how do you search on another persons phone and find 10 years old sex videos?

It can't possibly be abusive to leave a relationship. To suggest it could be is some serious DARVO shit

And, as has been done to death here, someone can leave a relationship for any reason they want. Even men.

To all those posters who say he shouldn't be going through her phone etc fair enough he shouldn't but can you honestly say that if your sister or best friend found a video of her partner having sex from an old relationship you would tell her it was no big deal that he'd kept the videos? You wouldn't be bothered if it was your partner with the videos? Honestly?