AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

Yeah but I bet your niece is white?
how awful of SIL. The message it’s sending to the kids - you’re not good enough how you look. I wouldn’t even go to the wedding.

The marriage won't last long by the sounds of it. Get your sister to ask about her daughter's s curly hair. What time is the wedding is your sister going if you can't go due to your curly haired children. if your children dont match her racist idea of the perfect wedding photo I won't go. Yanbu. Nasty woman your soon to be ex sil.

The problem is fucking racism. Its disgusting .

Who expects children ‘s hair to be straightened? Flipping heck no way and your family are unreasonable to demand it.

What a shocking comment to make. I like the response given above. What awful behaviour.

Holy fuck. I’d drop out now.

God - she sounds like a twat.

Reminds me of my ex SIL who demanded my 3 year olds hair was completely curled and tongued. I said no as when she was 3, she wouldn’t sit still for long enough and tolerate a hot tongue next to her. I wasn’t prepared for her to be burnt or distressed. Her hair was also kind of curly anyway, but not perfectly spiralled.

She got arsey so I text my brother telling him to sort his future wife out or else we wouldn’t even be attending. Problem solved!!

My niece has 2C curls.

Omfg what an entitled bitch! There’s no way I would be doing this! I wouldn’t be letting my kids go and I wouldn’t be going either

Be direct :

Ask her if she is discriminating against your children because they have that hair and if she is is she a racist and if she is your children won’t attend her wedding.

Watch her fall over herself to back down at the suggestion (hopefully)

Is your children's father invited, and is he required to straighten his hair also?

If she’s normally quite normal, perhaps the wedding stress has tipped her over the edge! I can’t see a sane bride dictating hair type of guests unless they are bridesmaids going for the same ‘do’.

Perhaps you could suggest get your own hair curled to match? A set of matching extravagant wigs for you all? Hats? Something to make her/your brother realise how mad, ridiculous and controlling she is being! If she sticks to her guns, I think I’d decline attending.

Agree it's a good response but that's for later. For right now keep your tuppence in your purse and solidify your evidence. At this stage she can still brush it off as an innocent request, making you questionable.

Get your sister to make the enquiry, stay cool. That conversation is pivotal.

I am coldly offended on your behalf. If you give her enough rope, she will hang herself.

I’m mixed race myself, and I honestly can’t believe what I’ve just read. I also have two children whose hair texture is likely very similar to your daughters. my own hair is 4A.

If anyone ever asked my daughter to straighten her hair for a special occasion, I’d tell them exactly where to go. There are so many beautiful hairstyles your children can wear, and I think it’s absolutely outrageous that she wants your son’s hair straightened too.

If you were to give in to this (which I know you aren’t), it would send the message that Afro hair is somehow less acceptable, less glamorous, or less worthy than straight hair. That is simply not true.

Personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my children around someone with those views. Quite frankly, your mum’s comments are just as concerning. She should be standing up for her grandchildren, not siding with her future daughter in laws. Saying you should do it ‘ to keep the peace’ is simply enabling unreasonable and discriminatory demands. Your children’s natural hair should never be treated as something that needs to be changed to make someone else comfortable.

@dramaisalifestyle obviously you won’t be straightening your children’s hair. I’m sorry your brother is marrying a racist.

message your DB - forward your soon to be sil’s message and add ‘I’m so sorry we won’t be able to come to your wedding but I will not damage my children’s hair for a racist aesthetic. I wish you lots of luck and love.’

He will either understand and tell his bride to be to wind her neck in or he won’t care - either way you’ll know what to do next.

The racist bitch would be told to fuck off.

Don't engage anymore. Just send your brother a screen shot of the messages and say 'Sorry to do this but sending this so you are aware of the complete context of these messages. DSis has not been asked to straighten DN's hair. Hopefully SIL is just being stressed about the wedding and is not thinking through the racist implications in her request. Just so you know I will not be straightening their hair because the chemicals required are very damaging for young skin. Love Sis x'

I'm not sure wedding-stress is an excuse for racism. Given the family dynamics, I'd give her one chance to realise "oh shit" but either way a line has been crossed.

Her husband doesn't need to explain a racist's racism to them.

I can hardly believe her ignorance! Can you post a screenshot of her text? Im
shockef she’d ask you to do this!

Forward the messages to your brother, along with the information that his other niece hasn’t been asked the same thing. Let him work out the implications and hopefully he’ll call the wedding off.

Absolutely not. What kind of white washing is this.

OP, I'm fully on board with you not straightening their head. SIL can get to fuck on that one.

But I found it a bit odd you would ask her "if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work with curly hair". As their mum, I would have expected that you would have a list of styles that work on them, and would make those suggestions to her. What do you normally do for "smart" occasions?

Actually :

”I consider this request to be flagrantly racist”

should suffice

No one wants to be thought of as a racist, she will surely apologise

Are they in the wedding? If your daughter is a bridesmaid and it needs straightening for the hairstyle then I'd understand but why your son too?

I can't imagine it'll look very good straightened, I also can't imagine it'll make them look "whiter".

Where's the bride from? What's her heritage? The only people Ive met who have a problem with natural black hair are black Americans. They all seem to think its messy and relax their kids hair from toddlerhood.