AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

My niece has curly hair too. But my sister hasn't received a text from SIL about hair yet

Absolutely this.

this would have pissed me off enough that I wouldn’t be going to the wedding now

Why is it odd to straighten the boys hair but not the girls?

are you sexist as well as racist?

No problem apart from the racism

It's quite rude of a host to dictate how their guests should style their hair. Tell her you won't tolerate racism - why is your children's black hair unacceptable to her?

Actually @dramaisalifestyle I'd be tempted to straighten the DC's hair and get a really wild perm for yourself, dying it bright pink at the same time.

Speak to your brother I'd say.

She sounds like a tricky one...as much as I would be aggravated by this, I'd also be wary of it becoming a war. Don't engage with her about this again...just speak to your brother.

And the sexism

get your nieces mum to ask if it’s true she needs her hair straightened for the wedding.

I can imagine their curly hair looks lovely. It might not look as good as she she thinks it will when straightened?

I hate asking this and this is coming from someone who has a mixed race child.

is your niece mixed race? If not and she is “allowed” to have her hair curly. I would probably be outwardly calling out the blatant racism.

Really? You don’t see the problem? Mixed race children being told that their heritage is ‘wrong’ and they need to appear more ‘white’. Because that is what she is saying. Curly/afro hair is something to be ashamed of? I am the white mother of mixed race children. No way on this planet would I have ever agreed to them straightening their Afro hair.

I assume that your sister hasn't received a text from SIL telling her to straighten her daughter's curly hair because your niece is white so her type of curly hair is acceptable to your SIL.

Your SIL is a racist and the sort of person that will say 'I'm not racist but.....'.

Your mum is also disgusting for telling you to abide by SIL's wishes. These are her grandchildren and she wants to erase half of their heritage. Keeping the peace isn't a good reason to do that.

I still don't understand why the bride has an opinion about what the DC are wearing if they aren't bridesmaid/page. I'd have shut that down from the get go. Make sure you send them in trainers @dramaisalifestyle

Hopefully your DB's second wife will be nicer/more sensible.

DC have curls and want to straighten to try it out, so it would be a hairdresser with experience to blow dry it straight and couple of wash it would bounce back to curls. Don’t use a straightener unless hairdresser due to needing lotions etc to protect hair and future curls. Really didn’t want to do this but DC ask to try. The length of hair difference when straight was really something. Wouldn’t change hair curls unless DC ask to but for future this is not an attempt at home unless experience.

Yes, do this and find a Strawberry Switchblade-style bright pink dress to match.

Don't straighten their hair for god's sake! I can't believe your SIL would ask that - it's so insulting.

Speak to your brother and make it clear you won't be straightening the kids' hair, and that you found her suggestion quite bizarre - but that you're happy to let it go, so it doesn't have to be a big deal unless she makes it one.

(Although personally, I'd be tempted not to go to the wedding at all, after this.)

Oh I’d absolutely make it a war.

either she accepts the children, hair included, or have nothing to do with her.

if anyone wants to know why, she said my children’s Afro hair would “not be tolerated”.

I would want nothing to do with such a racist.

Are your dc part of the wedding party and will be in all the main photos?
If so remove the 'props 'and stay home.
Or buy them insanely huge hats and wear those...
With the curls underneath..

The lasting damage is not to the hair but to OP's relationship with her SIL who is obviously racist and wants to make OP's children look white.

Who are the 2% saying this is reasonable?? Maybe she’s having a terrible brideziller personality disorder period. Or maybe she’s awful.

Wow. Usually on MN I feel like there’s a lot of hyperbolic horror about stuff that’s a bit crappy and unreasonable, but could probably be reconciled with a bit of understanding and compromise on both parts.

This is so bad I’m hoping it’s not true.

This is actually the hill I’d die on.

Your sil is racist, pure and simple. Your Mother is as bad as well asking to keep the peace.

I would go to the wedding and if anything was said I would call her out on it.

This idiot bride sounds horrible and needs to be told that she has no authority over your children. Who does she think she is? I would have nothing to do with this woman. I would also tell your Mother how dissapointed I am with her.

Please do not give in on this.

Then report it.