AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

You absolutely shouldn't be expected to do this. I think I would just tell her that their hair cannot be straightened due to its texture. Their beautiful hair should be embraced. How dare she! Your brother is being a wet blanket putting up with brideziIlla. He's in for a fun life with her!! Hopefully he will run for the hills.

My niece is white

I didn’t think you could straighten black hair with GHDs etc, I thought you needed a full blown chemical treatment to straighten it? On that basis absolutely YANBU and she can get to fuck expecting that!

This is a great idea actually.

I mean, as a very biased mum, I think their hair is amazing

I agree with a few others get SIL to ask if her child’s hair is to be straightened for the wedding. No matter the answer my children’s hair wouldn’t be getting straightened and refusing to change your children’s appearance isn’t “dictating the wedding”, it’s being a responsible parent. My mother would be told to butt out too, I wouldn’t be “keeping the peace” to please a racist SIL. I’d be responding saying you’re not tolerating her racism never mind her “not tolerating” your children’s curly hair at her wedding and to ram her invitation if this is the case. This is one hill I would die on.

This is super racist and frankly bizarre. I would be tempted to just opt out but appreciate that could create a bigger problem so I’d just save the crazy texts in case she tries to gaslight you later and then ignore them.

I’m actually raging at this.

if your niece is not expected to have her hair straightened I would absolutely call out the racism. In fact I would probably call it out anyway as it so obviously is.i am pretty easy going when it comes to things and will keep the peace a lot but casual racism towards my child is something I would not tolerate.

I bet their hair is beautiful. As a very white girl with fine, flyaway, straight and boring hair, I was always envious of people like your children @dramaisalifestyle !

Please let them be natural and fabulous

I don't really see the logic of "making them look more white". My children have a really dark complexion, straightening their hair would not make them "look more white"

Get your sister on board here...if she's willing. If this is racism, the bride will soon be exposed.
Your sister could ask bride if your niece's hair is expected to be straightened for the wedding, having spoken to you. Take it from there.

I firmly advise you to remain calm and pleasant throughout this incident...not because she deserves it but because it absolves you from any wrongdoing. Let her shoulder this one alone.

Above all, speak to your brother. It's his wedding too and you are his sister.

So ‘My wedding dress code doesn’t include natural black hair’? God almighty.

I'm sorry, I know this is serious but the "second wife" made me laugh 🤣

"I wont be white washing my children for your wedding. Incredibly hurtful, never mind racist suggestion I straighten their hair to make them palatable to you.
Its clear that we are unwelcome if we dont comply, so we wont be in attendance. Ill get the outfits back to you, so you can fill them with the straight haired kids of your dreams"

Id be burning all bridges over this. Next ones your mum. How can she not have the kids back in this?

Pullout the damage is already done

'Straighten' doesn't mean anything other than heat treatment or relaxer if you're talking about Afro Caribbean type hair. It's blatant racism.

Only you know if your SIL is the sort of person who is being ignorant/thoughtless and wants everyone to conform to her vision of sleek for the photo's or if the message is actually that your childrens natural hair is somehow not good enough for her. Either way you don't need to send them the message that straight hair is the only way to be presentable but it might change how you approach things.
What styles did you have planned?
Edited to say I agree about your sister confirming if it's right that she wants everyone's hair straightened!

Awful.behaviour from your soon to be sil

I would tell your DH this is coming across as racist and he needs. To have a word and explain ( if she really can't understand) why this is completely inappropriate.

I assume that they are part of the wedding, not just guests, due to the outfit discussion. I think I'd either just completely ignore her and do neat hair or ask her what she means by "won't tolerate" natural hair, because if she doesn't want you or your children attending she had better let you know now.

Wow stick to your guns OP, what entitlement!!

Conducting my straw poll here - is she between 27 and 35 years old?

she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

She thinks YOU'RE being rude? Dictating how little children have their hair done is what's rude.

And just flat out racist.

That’s honestly outrageous. I’d love to know her true reasoning behind this because at the moment it’s not a good look for her. I do wonder if she might be jealous of their hair.

Do they tend to get lots of comments on it from people (my son does). Perhaps she thinks two beautiful little kids will “upstage” her with their lovely curls.

Fuck me! Does she want you to bleach their skins too?

I wouldn’t bother with a response!
i actually said out loud “fuck that entirely!!” After reading, to true extent dh came through and asked what that was about!
how bloody self involved is she! How can curly hair impact her?!!!