AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

This has made me so angry. As a white mum of two mixed white/black kids, I'd be on the warpath. There's no way I or DH would enjoy the wedding even if we went to keep the peace, and there's no way I'd be straightening anyone's hair.

My own DM is also mixed but grew up in the 60s/70s and by her account was bullied relentlessly for her hair and appearance. In the past she has made a couple of little comments about my DD's hair and whilst it hurts that she has obviously internalised the racism she suffered, I've had to stamp them out of her and I'm not afraid to go nuclear if she does it again now that DD is old enough to understand.

Words matter and people need to understand this - incidentally my aunt (DM's sister - also mixed) has no such issues and is a great role model for wearing her natural hair as it is, but she was not bullied or made to feel less than.

You need to stand up to this.

given what the bride has said ("won't tolerate the children at her wedding with their natural hair") I think a happy ending is out there with flying pigs.

While it's generally a good idea to keep the peace, this can't be at any cost.
This is an occasion when the cost is too high. Because this isn't about hairstyles, is it? Its about a rejection of your DCs natural appearance as 'wrong'.
I'd die on this hill for my DC and when there were consequences, I'd feel sad, but know it wasn't my fault, and I'd had no other option.

How do you not see that racism is the key component here? Even after reading this thread!

@dramaisalifestyledo you have any updates? Im really curious to know what happened after your sisters exchange with the SIL.

what’s your sons ethnicity???

But sometimes peoples ignorance is a factor - because of the timespan it maybe difficult to change the brides mindset or maybe she has been told the significance of her request.
There are many people who walk on this earth not recognising the consequences of their actions or words. Maybe it will take time to change this woman’s mind but just saying the simple truth, no I won’t be straightening my childrens hair as it’s their cultural identity as mixed heritage children may simply be enough to say. I hope so.

We cannot use ignorance as an excuse for racism. Also her tone was not on. How dare she say ‘she will not tolerate’ OP’s kids curls!

If someone behaves this way and uses these words we don’t roll over or try and appease. We call them out for what they are.

I really do not understand why some brides think it is acceptable to treat their wedding guests as props for their photos on the day! And the clear racism here makes her attitude doubly bad, imo.

I don’t think it’s rolling over and accepting to say, no I don’t intend to straighten my childrens hair because it’s part of them as mixed heritage children. It could be wake up call to someone whose requests she obviously views as reasonable even though it clearly isn’t.

I don't think @dramaisalifestyle will come back to the thread.

Between the racists and the people accusing her of being a liar (comments now deleted), I don't really blame her.

fuck that mega bitch. don't go

I don’t think she’ll be back either, which is a shame. Hopefully she stood up for her DCs against the blatant racism of her SIL.

My daughter has curly hair she is white, there is not a chance in hell I would allow someone to straighten her hair.

My stepdaughter has curly hair and her mum was always making horrible comments about it and a result I have never seen it curly it’s always straightened. I make a purpose of telling my daughter how amazing her hair is, as I don’t want her to feel she is different at all.

I think straightening it sends the message that their hair is “noy good enough” even more so in this case as they are half black

The weeding is due this week sometime i believe.
Maybe she will update outcome after.

Although the kids hair might be a bit big and curly like an afro, I don't think it is so out of control that it will need weeding. I can't imagine they're cultivating dandelions in it!😂

Oh dear
My minds on my garden too much lately 😂😂

I just noticed your user name and im talking about my garden woes 😂

Did the wedding happen yet OP?

I would want the people at my wedding to look like themselves. I would no more ask someone to straighten (or curl) their children’s hair than I would ask them to get a nose job or have liposuction. SIL is being a racist, insensitive, entitled bridezilla,

Maybe your brother can show up having gotten a perm,

@dramaisalifestyle have you spoken to your brother?

I think you need to take some time to read the full thread and educate yourself on racism. It is 100% racist.

Saw this op and thought of you

• Over 20% of Black women 25-34 have been sent home from work because of their hair.

it’s US data but bloody hell, no one can say this is not still a very live issue 😭

from the Dove CROWN study

Hope all ok

Seeing as the OP hasn’t been on here since Sunday at midday, it’s highly unlikely we’ll ever know what happened. She’s probably hidden the thread.