AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

Yes, this is a great idea.

She won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding? 😂
Assume you're not going to the wedding OP?

I have spoken to my sister already. She's fuming on my behalf because she loves her niece and nephew obviously.

outrageous. I wouldn’t straighten the hair.

Great response. Thank you.

My mum tries to keep the peace, always

Yes, and those one normally have the other family members letting op know that the request is not unreasonable and they should just do whatever has been requested.

I'm sad your brother is marrying such a racist.
You'll have a lifetime of her snide remarks.
It is illegal to make racist insults in this country (UK). How bloody dare she.

I personally wouldn't be going to that wedding.
We're a mixed heritage family and the hair issue came up in DDs private school aged 7. We changed school.

And your mother should be angry for you. Is your husband/ DP aware of this? Mine would have to see a cold day in hell to spend time with your SIL.

I'm not sure why you're so eager to welcome this woman into your family. She sounds ignorant and unpleasant.

What on earth. They are children! No way. If your brother wont nip this in the bud then this casual racism will keep going. She is showing you her true colours. Your mother also needs to hear it

This. Exactly this.

tell her you want an announcement to all guests that natural black/mixed race hair or curly hair is not in the dress code and will not be tolerated.

if she makes the announcement to all the guests, you’ll think about whether you attend or not.

I assumed this too because it's the only way I could imagine her thinking she got a say in their hair! You don't tell your wedding guests how their hair should look! Plus the obvious racism. But sometimes if a couple have bought outfits they imagine they have jurisdiction over the whole appearance of bridesmaids or pageboys. Absolutely not!

Sorry this happened OP. Absolutely not acceptable. Does seem racist to me.

Bridezilla should be told no can do.

Occurred to me too how might your kids feel in years to come if they were sporting hairstyles that give the misleading impression they aren’t absolutely perfect as they are.

Strange things happen with brides on their weddings when there is so much stress. Perhaps they have quite big, beautiful hair and she wants something a bit less 'wild' for the photos. It is a bit racist but in a slightly ignorant way. Are your nieces curls more 'controlled'/smaller hair overall?

I would have just done it personally to keep the peace. Straightening once isn't going to cause that much damage and that hair will get chopped off before long. However, I totally get why you wouldn't and she is coming across as a dick.

Tbf I asked for my nephew to not have a hair cut for a few weeks before my wedding as his mum always has it cut like a skin head and I don't like the look at all 🙈. I did say if possible though and wouldn't have thrown my toys out the pram...

My brother wants all his nieces and nephews to be included. So my daughter is one of the flower girls and my son is carrying a sign down the aisle.

I wouldn’t be concerned that straightening hair damages it, unless she wants them to get it chemically straightened. But this definitely seems to have racist undertones. Nobody should ever tell a mixed race person to style their hair in a typically white style, wedding or not.

It's not logic, it's racism with an attempt to cover it up by saying things like black people are okay as long as they don't look too black. Those people have the prejudice in them but they're trying to package it and justify it outwardly. Just like people who say I'm fine with Jewish people but not the ones with the funny hats on. Or I'm fine with people being gay but can they not rub it in my face? Etc etc.

OP I would forward the sister's "won't tolerate" message to a group chat with her and your brother in, say you won't be straightening the hair so would they prefer your children didn't attend? And go from there.

The effect of the heat on their hair is surely not the most important issue. Your SIL-to-be is being incredibly racist to even imply that curly African hair is somehow unacceptable, or something to be ashamed of, even in children. No way would I straighten it.

I'm not normally one to want to cause family drama, but I would tell her that her request is coming across as racist, you won’t be straightening your children’s hair because you think they are perfect as they are, and if that means she doesn’t want them at her wedding you will all stay away. And I would copy your brother in, so he knows what’s going on, and tell your mother how upsetting and frankly disgraceful you find her attitude.

I’m sorry but what a bitch. When my niece and nephew were part of my wedding party I just wanted them to be comfy and enjoy themselves. I picked a dress with my sister for my niece and then let her sort her hair out.

No child needs their hair straightening to conform to some sort of bridezeilla vision.

That isn't " keeping the peace"

That is not having a backbone and being a pathetic people pleaser

Would she be asking an adult to do the same thing?

I would keep the tone light but reply back to her and say sorry no won’t be straightening it. Their hair is their hair and it will look lovely on the day. I don’t even think you have time to practice a hairstyle on straight hair now. If this is a problem they can attend as guest. Assuming they are part of the weeding party?

She's a fucking racist.

This is the beginning of some bullshit, so I wouldn't entertain any of it, at all.
No getting my sister to ask... no getting my brother to ask... Straight no!

I simply do not negotiate with racists. She doesn't need to tolerate their hair in it's natural form; the children don't need to alter their appearance to be part of her show.

This is a simply DFOD! And if she pushes it, we can really thrash it out.

As for your mom - you'll have a healthy level of respect for her, so tell her if she cannot figure out why you won't comply; just sit this one out and let you handle your business.

No but that is in effect what your soon to be SIL is trying to do. It’s metaphorical. White people don’t have Afro hair so by removing the Afro hair you’re making them more ‘white’ and removing a clear indicator that they have black heritage. Like Micheal Jackson having surgery to change his Afro nose into a more Caucasian one.

I'm furious on your behalf, op.

I think I'd go back with, "or is it not rude to interfere with their bodily autonomy? They're mixed race, they have curly hair. It's beautiful and I won't send them the message they need to change it to fit in with white beauty standards. If this means you no longer want them as bridesmaids then I quite understand and would have to agree. Do let me know".

Gives her one chance to realise what a racist she's being and backtrack, if she digs her heels in or there's comeback you've warned her you'll withdraw from the wedding entirely.