AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

Yes, I think it's good that this topic has been discussed on this thread, about people using words like 'wild' for afro hair, and 'neat' for straightened hair.

Many white people have never really thought properly about those connotations, and I include myself* in that, as a person who grew up in a small town where I didn't know any non-white people. (my old self, that is - as I have educated myself over recent years, and I admit I am still learning)

Thank you to those who on this thread who have shared their own experiences of this type of prejudice... and I'm sorry that you even have to explain it, but it does all help in that I think some people will have learned from this thread.

Personally I would be happy to style my Afro kids hair all different ways especially for occasions. Straightening it wouldn't be a concern. Lots of black people choose to straighten Afro hair some of the time and wear it curly others. I would be happy for my kids to have a range of styles and wouldn't feel they could only have 'traditional' black styles because they are mixed race. Hair damage wouldn't be a big deal to me because hair grows and I've straightened my curly hair for 20 years now and hate it curly on me.

Completely agree it's a different ask to that of asking a white child to do the same - and in this case the SIL has not done that which comes across very badly.

It's for the OP to decide if it's a big deal to her. She asked for opinions and views. People should be allowed to say a range of views back without being told they are racist just because they personally wouldn't mind or want to upset the bride/cause a family rift over it.

Brides come up with all sorts of random stuff in the lead up to their wedding. If you've been on here for a while you'll have read hundreds and hundreds of similar threads - unhappy with their MIL dress colour, unhappy with the bridesmaid gaining weight/pregnant, asking the entire wedding to wear a colour theme... the list goes on. Brides get a vision in their heads and ask for people to do all kinds of things in the lead up. Hence the bridezilla term and the old mumsnet 'it's an invite not a summons' term.

I would try and acknowledge that brides become very stressed in the lead up. When you are spending £20-£30k on one day and have been saving for years, it can become a bit mad about the details. You also end up having to make hundreds of decisions.

I was a hugely chilled bride and still asked for my nephew to grow his hair for the wedding. It would have annoyed me in the photos if he looked like an escaped convict! If he or mum hasn't wanted to then that's fine, I would have moved on. I also had my niece come and get ready with the bridesmaids and have her hair curled (age 9). I wanted her to look even more beautiful than she already is and thought it would be fun.

If the kids didn't want it straightened or I didn't feel comfortable straightening it, due to feeling it came from a place of ignorance and unconscious racism, then I would say something. The inconsistency between nieces would annoy me and straightening the boys hair seems even more odd.

In the OPs case she is clearly bothered and so in her position, I would explain why I felt it was an inappropriate ask, educate the requester about why, reiterate that I won't be straightening but to again tell her to let me know other styles. I would also be having this conversation via my brother if needed.

But do you or your kids have Afro hair?

I'd say nothing more. It's clear what her reasoning is. Just dress your children as neatly and as lovely as you can. What's she going to do? Throw them out of the wedding party on arrival? Just play innocent and if questioned why you didn't comply, smile sweetly and say you understood she wanted them to look neat. And isn't she beautiful and everything....

But saying nothing more is letting her get away with being inherently racist.

Even the tone ‘I will not tolerate’ towards OP’s kids. Yet ‘I have a lovely hair clip’ for the sister’s child. I would be livid. If you say nothing you risk her directing her anger towards the poor kids at the wedding.

So basically SIL is racist, that’s the crux. I’m horrified on your behalf.

The most batshit crazy bridezilla I’ve ever heard of, and a fucking appalling racist to boot.

I would no longer be excited about welcoming her into the family, OP.

She’s effectively saying there’s something wrong the way your children naturally look; that their appearance simply isn’t acceptable. It’s just horrible. And the mentality that as the bride she gets to dictate this kind of shit is very, very unattractive.

It’s sad that your brother and mother aren’t standing with you on this.

Sure, but op didn’t appear to give a firm, “I’m not doing that”—a firm push back may produce a different response.

The bride sounds like a bully who would benefit from a firm f-off, actually.

I'm really trying to hope that future SIL is very clumsy with words and not meaning to be racist but this response to your DSis is jaw dropping...happy to have a white childs curls but not mixed race childs curls. Fuck me that's outrageous. I'm really now hoping that you are having words with your DBro and I'm hoping that he is as equally horrified at her request and is putting her straight.

and you say your DM just wants to 'keep the peace'...well, clearly she's prepared to not keep the peace with you and your kids is she?!?!

I think you might be planning a different day out next week OP!

Not meaning to argue here, but why do people keep saying the OP should speak to her brother & not direct to her SIL?

Shouldn't she speak to both of them together?

Presumably because she knows her brother a lot better than soon to be SIL
The brother wants all his neices and nephews involved in the wedding
Does he even know his fiancee has made this outrageous request?

Please as a mixed race parent turn up with your child with full Afro

I'd want to speak to my brother privately so he's not caught on the hop and so the fiancée doesn't have time to muddy the water. (Assuming he doesn't share her prejudice).

I wouldn't be picking a fight with his bride without giving him the heads up.

Good point although I don't think a fight is needed.
I would speak to them both together even if I spoke to my brother first.

I would have to explain my feelings to her myself face to face and not leave it to my brother - who nay not fully understand the feelings involved either.

I just think this is too important a message to be delivered to the SIL second hand even if she is the bride.

ETA - when I say a fight isn't needed, I do think this is a very serious issue but I think it needs to be spoken about and explained rationally rather than with anger.

I’d send another text: Hi SIL, can you clarify why you want me to straighten my children’s curly hair which you won’t tolerate? However, Niece’s curls are fine?

If I was your brother and found out my partner behaved like this, I would have no hesitation in cancelling the wedding and dumping her. I would also be very public about the reason why, that i cannot marry a racist & risk my future children becoming a racist like their mother.

This. 100% this.

"Not tolerate" curly hair- this is quite the bridezilla, perfect excuse not to attend. I would'nt force my children to look differently for a wedding, even if your Mother wants you to keep the peace- point out to her it's racist forcing kids with afro hair to straighten it. They are also expecting you to do it, hairstyles on kids leads to bored and tears, tell them you are happy not to attend.

"It’s sad that your brother and mother aren’t standing with you on this"

It's not clear that her brother even knows what's going on and she hasn't confirmed if she has spoken to him. The only thing she's said is he doesn't like to be called on the phone which makes no sense.

Her mother on the other hand is enabling racist behaviour against her own grandchildren.

Well that confirms your SIL to be is indeed racist.
What a bitch. Screenshot the messages and send then to your brother. Also keep the screenshot as proof as she'll delete them if she is called out.
I wouldn't be attending the wedding and I'd also tell people why.

I had no idea there was a curl classification system! My is a mix of A3, B3 and C2. OK, so a right flipping mess. Though funnily enough I do recall now that my DH’s grandfather wanted to know if I was black and where were my people from…

I now feel as though I need to do one of those DNA tests to see if there is anything lurking in there!

Lol this thread made me laugh. There is so much misinformation about Black peoples hair and what we can/can’t do. Afro hair can be straightened with GHDs (takes me no more than half hour/45 mins) if I fancy it. Black people have a variety of options with our many texture differences of hair hence why there are many hair styles in the Black community. Yes, harsher styles like over straightening (frequently) can damage our hair. Our hair is also not the same in texture just like our skin colour (so many variations. I think there are 52 shades within Black skin for example ). A lot of people in this thread have meant good but some of the replies have had me chuckling like crazy. It’s so odd reading perceptions and misinformation about our hair , lol. Our hair also typically grows outward rather than down however, when stretched/straightened, hair can reach all the way down to shoulders/waist/bum etc. there is a world of variety in Black/Afro hair.

Saying all of this, I don’t think OP, sounds mad enough. These are your children and they will rely on you to speak up for them for many years to come. It is a racist request even if not intended. I find some white mothers of children with Black heritage also may not get the nuisances of what it is like raising a beautiful Black child in the west is like. You cannot let anything slide because your children will continue experiencing disrespect over and over again. Do something immediately when your children are faced with that disrespect and stop trying to be polite. You have to be their biggest advocate and that also means arming yourself with book knowledge on this race stuff. You won’t believe how many people can become fixated on your children simply for the colour of their skin. It’s a literal sickness.

Such a long post to say nothing. As you said, it's a choice, but op and hey kids dont want to make that choice, so the rest of what you say is irrelevant. Some black people chose to straighten hair and some are forced to or feel obliged to placate racists. Some accept that. You can straighten the heel out if your kids' hair and pretend to yourself you give them "styling options", but it's also ok for people to not do so, especially under the circumstances. Stand up to racism instead if standing up for racism.
Bride being stressed does btw not excuse microaggression and racism, end of story. Not sure how you know how much they spent and what does it have to do with her racism, is racism acceptable if your parents fork out 20k on your wedding?

Yeah totally fine for a girl to straighten their hair for other people's expectations but not boys 🙄

OP my daughter has 3C curls and I wouldn't straighten her hair if Jesus Christ himself asked.

Tell her where to go! Unbelievable!