AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

Yes, I think it's good that this topic has been discussed on this thread, about people using words like 'wild' for afro hair, and 'neat' for straightened hair.

Many white people have never really thought properly about those connotations, and I include myself* in that, as a person who grew up in a small town where I didn't know any non-white people. (my old self, that is - as I have educated myself over recent years, and I admit I am still learning)

Thank you to those who on this thread who have shared their own experiences of this type of prejudice... and I'm sorry that you even have to explain it, but it does all help in that I think some people will have learned from this thread.

Personally I would be happy to style my Afro kids hair all different ways especially for occasions. Straightening it wouldn't be a concern. Lots of black people choose to straighten Afro hair some of the time and wear it curly others. I would be happy for my kids to have a range of styles and wouldn't feel they could only have 'traditional' black styles because they are mixed race. Hair damage wouldn't be a big deal to me because hair grows and I've straightened my curly hair for 20 years now and hate it curly on me.

Completely agree it's a different ask to that of asking a white child to do the same - and in this case the SIL has not done that which comes across very badly.

It's for the OP to decide if it's a big deal to her. She asked for opinions and views. People should be allowed to say a range of views back without being told they are racist just because they personally wouldn't mind or want to upset the bride/cause a family rift over it.

Brides come up with all sorts of random stuff in the lead up to their wedding. If you've been on here for a while you'll have read hundreds and hundreds of similar threads - unhappy with their MIL dress colour, unhappy with the bridesmaid gaining weight/pregnant, asking the entire wedding to wear a colour theme... the list goes on. Brides get a vision in their heads and ask for people to do all kinds of things in the lead up. Hence the bridezilla term and the old mumsnet 'it's an invite not a summons' term.

I would try and acknowledge that brides become very stressed in the lead up. When you are spending £20-£30k on one day and have been saving for years, it can become a bit mad about the details. You also end up having to make hundreds of decisions.

I was a hugely chilled bride and still asked for my nephew to grow his hair for the wedding. It would have annoyed me in the photos if he looked like an escaped convict! If he or mum hasn't wanted to then that's fine, I would have moved on. I also had my niece come and get ready with the bridesmaids and have her hair curled (age 9). I wanted her to look even more beautiful than she already is and thought it would be fun.

If the kids didn't want it straightened or I didn't feel comfortable straightening it, due to feeling it came from a place of ignorance and unconscious racism, then I would say something. The inconsistency between nieces would annoy me and straightening the boys hair seems even more odd.

In the OPs case she is clearly bothered and so in her position, I would explain why I felt it was an inappropriate ask, educate the requester about why, reiterate that I won't be straightening but to again tell her to let me know other styles. I would also be having this conversation via my brother if needed.

But do you or your kids have Afro hair?

I'd say nothing more. It's clear what her reasoning is. Just dress your children as neatly and as lovely as you can. What's she going to do? Throw them out of the wedding party on arrival? Just play innocent and if questioned why you didn't comply, smile sweetly and say you understood she wanted them to look neat. And isn't she beautiful and everything....

But saying nothing more is letting her get away with being inherently racist.

Even the tone ‘I will not tolerate’ towards OP’s kids. Yet ‘I have a lovely hair clip’ for the sister’s child. I would be livid. If you say nothing you risk her directing her anger towards the poor kids at the wedding.

So basically SIL is racist, that’s the crux. I’m horrified on your behalf.