AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

I think it was a joke.

That's what I thought! Made me laugh, anyway.

no its a hill for bridezilla to die on.

This 100% I'm so white I'm blue (think Haaland) but this thread makes my blood boil.

Upthread, I said avoid the whole day but I think I would turn up with the kiddos with the biggest possible hair and stand back. That way, the DC get their day and if the ghastly woman kicks off, it's evident this is racist af and she will be exposed. Hopefully she won't, the wedding will be lovely and all will be well.

At least you know where you stand with this fruit loop OP.

Have you decided how you're going to respond OP?

Except these are OPs kids, not pawns to expose racism.

Im white and i dont have mixred race chidren
I had to google the type of hair the Op was describing
And it looks lovely natural but could you even straighten it at home forgive my ignorance but even if the Op wss willing to straighten her childrens hair would it not need outside intervrntion ?

Jut checked 4a and 4b hair so is it the texture of the hair your soon to be s-I-l is concerned about. My friends daughter has this type of hair and as a bridesmaid her mum (she was 6) put her hair up in a bun with a garland or some kind of decoration around it because she too did not want to straighten her daughters hair for the damage it could do to hair & esteem and her mum thought her daughters normal braided hairstyle did not suit the bridemaids dress and her son much younger just had a medium to short cut both looked smart and more importantly themselves. I really hope this situation has a happy ending for all your sakes.

Such a shame that your DB is clearly marrying a racist. You’ll have to keep a closer eye on her interactions with your DC and protect them as they get older.

This is awful. I cant think of any other explanation other than she is a racist bitch.

As others have said her request is coming over as racist even if it unintentional and she is stressing over the aesthetics of the dream bridal party look she has in her mind, at some point in the future she may realise her error of judgement but it’s very close to the wedding. Weddings are so emotionally stressful and sometimes brides can’t think other than their own preferences, therefore it would be better if someone like your mum could explain this issue goes far deeper than a wedding request. My friends five year old has had horrible remarks about her Afro hair by a child in her class so yes it not a simple wear hair up or down suggestion.

Oh come on those saying it is unintentional- she has clearly said she’s happy with the blonde curls but will not ‘tolerate’ OP’s kids curls…she needs to be called out on this. I hope the OP has.

Racist? Calm down. It’s hair! My son has really curly hair and someone asked me to straighten it I’d just say no. It’s got nothing to do with race.

Have you got hold of your brother yet OP? What did he say?

Have you read all OP's posts? There's a reason why people are saying she's being racist.

Speaking as a black mum with mixed raced children I say this from a place of love. You are your child's biggest advocate and protector, as are all mothers but as white woman with mixed race children you need to ensure you make informed decisions from a place that might not be your own experience. I'm so glad to hear that you won't be straightening your children's hair and I'm so glad to hear that you've correctly identified the harm in your SILs request that some others are attempting to minimise. However, I don't think you've gone nearly far enough, you have chosen to have a beautiful mixed family but your family haven't. It's your responsibility to make sure they are educated and any time they make these racist comments or attempt to downplay it call them out without hesitation and if you find they're incapable of learning, don't take too long to step away from them.

Maybe read the whole thread...

Of course it's racist.

Except for the fact that the children in question are mixed race & their white cousin's curls are allowed.

I’m White British I have very thick curly hair and have in the past straightened it for what I believed gave me a more professional look, then started wearing slightly controlled curl style but my naturally curly look to me is messy. It have been an eye opener reading this thread though. As I wonder if the bride to be also has her own hair issues in the past! Which is coming out with her insistence for specific sleeker hair style as I have with my own controlled curl preference over my natural more frizzy curls. I do hope there is time for a discussion though at least so the bride gets a chance to understand how upsetting this request has been. There is hardly a wedding that doesn’t have some family disagreements a long the way but how lovely if it can be sorted out.

For a start because it’s racist AF.. 🫠🤦🏼‍♀️

Please don't try to minimise this by saying maybe the bride has "her own hair issues".
If you have read the whole thread you will surely see it runs deeper than that?

Yes, let's hope a conversation can be had because the bride needs to understand why her request is so wrong.

Exactly this.

And those trying to minimise this or say it isn’t racist are everything that is wrong with this country and why racism continues to be a huge issue.

Absolutely this, word for word.
What a massive cow, im so sorry shes going to be your SIL.