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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

787 replies

dramaisalifestyle · 26/07/2026 09:34

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

OP posts:
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7
Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 26/07/2026 22:38

She's insane and ignorant at best, racist at worst.

I imagine it would take HOURS to straighten 4a / 4b curls even if you wanted to?! What 4 year old would tolerate that?

OctopusHands · 26/07/2026 22:42

EddyF · 26/07/2026 21:55

Lol this thread made me laugh. There is so much misinformation about Black peoples hair and what we can/can’t do. Afro hair can be straightened with GHDs (takes me no more than half hour/45 mins) if I fancy it. Black people have a variety of options with our many texture differences of hair hence why there are many hair styles in the Black community. Yes, harsher styles like over straightening (frequently) can damage our hair. Our hair is also not the same in texture just like our skin colour (so many variations. I think there are 52 shades within Black skin for example ). A lot of people in this thread have meant good but some of the replies have had me chuckling like crazy. It’s so odd reading perceptions and misinformation about our hair , lol. Our hair also typically grows outward rather than down however, when stretched/straightened, hair can reach all the way down to shoulders/waist/bum etc. there is a world of variety in Black/Afro hair.

Saying all of this, I don’t think OP, sounds mad enough. These are your children and they will rely on you to speak up for them for many years to come. It is a racist request even if not intended. I find some white mothers of children with Black heritage also may not get the nuisances of what it is like raising a beautiful Black child in the west is like. You cannot let anything slide because your children will continue experiencing disrespect over and over again. Do something immediately when your children are faced with that disrespect and stop trying to be polite. You have to be their biggest advocate and that also means arming yourself with book knowledge on this race stuff. You won’t believe how many people can become fixated on your children simply for the colour of their skin. It’s a literal sickness.

Well, I’m not laughing at the idea of straightening the hair of a four year old child.

Growingaseed · 26/07/2026 23:19

Ladyfromthehill · 26/07/2026 22:00

Such a long post to say nothing. As you said, it's a choice, but op and hey kids dont want to make that choice, so the rest of what you say is irrelevant. Some black people chose to straighten hair and some are forced to or feel obliged to placate racists. Some accept that. You can straighten the heel out if your kids' hair and pretend to yourself you give them "styling options", but it's also ok for people to not do so, especially under the circumstances. Stand up to racism instead if standing up for racism.
Bride being stressed does btw not excuse microaggression and racism, end of story. Not sure how you know how much they spent and what does it have to do with her racism, is racism acceptable if your parents fork out 20k on your wedding?

Show quote history

You just want an argument. Your post is also a long post which adds nothing.

Banabay · 26/07/2026 23:47

I feel so sorry for you OP, this is dreadful.

My children wouldn't be near that wedding.
I would be telling their grandmother she had better have a long think about her choices as i wouldn't want her around either.

This is really toxic and needs blowing up.
You brother has chosen a Class A witch.

Longtimelurker1980 · 26/07/2026 23:54

dramaisalifestyle · 26/07/2026 12:50

Okay! Slight update: I asked my sister to text our SIL. My sister said "Hey SIL, I'm just sorting out last minutes things for the wedding next week. The boys are getting a haircut soon, (nephews name) wanted a buzz cut but we said no 😂. For (nieces name), we are thinking about a half up half down hairstyle, to make sure everybody can see her lovely curls. Let me know what you think!"

SIL replied "That sounds great! I have a hair clip (Nieces name) can put in her hair to match the dress. Your mum has the hair clips at her house. See you soon"

So yeah. That was the conversation. My niece has blonde curly hair. 2C hair I think. Maybe 2B.

So now you know. She’s racist. Are you going to call her out on it?

Sereine · 27/07/2026 00:39

Samscaff · 26/07/2026 13:13

Hi SIL and DB

Please can you explain to me and DH why it’s acceptable for DN's naturally curly hair to be on show at your wedding, but you "won’t tolerate" DD's naturally curly hair and would prefer DS's to be straightened too?

I would hate to think that racism could be the cause, so I’m sure there must be another reason. I look forward to hearing what it is.

I think this is the way to go. That way SIL can't start WW3 saying you accused her of being racist, even if she is.

maxslice · 27/07/2026 01:22

Don’t straighten your kids’ hair. You may not be in charge of the wedding, but you’re in charge of your children. Straightening their hair to appease someone else’s aesthetics sends the wrong message to them. That they’re unacceptable/ less than as they are. Bollocks to your brother’s fiancé.

Delatron · 27/07/2026 08:45

You do need to advocate for your children. Like another poster said this won’t be the last time. They need to
see you calling this out for what it is.
Don’t tip toe around this - turning a blind eye or bowing down to racism is just as bad. It’s quite easy to pull her up on her messages as she has been so blatant.

Delatron · 27/07/2026 08:49

This is how racism carries on through generations- by family members never calling it out. You need to pull her up on it. So does your sister, your Mum and her brother. All of you have very clear evidence now of blatant racism.

Yet she is sending messages saying she won’t ’tolerate’ your kid’s curls. But she has a pretty clip for the blonde curls. I would be going nuclear on this.

ruethewhirl · 27/07/2026 11:13

Delatron · 27/07/2026 08:49

This is how racism carries on through generations- by family members never calling it out. You need to pull her up on it. So does your sister, your Mum and her brother. All of you have very clear evidence now of blatant racism.

Yet she is sending messages saying she won’t ’tolerate’ your kid’s curls. But she has a pretty clip for the blonde curls. I would be going nuclear on this.

Absolutely this. Stick to your guns, OP. It's so sad that your SIL-to-be can't seem to appreciate the natural beauty of your children. She's coming across as an awful person in all of this, and other people will see it too.

TheEponymousGrub · 27/07/2026 12:23

I have read all the OP's posts but not all others, so this may have been suggested before, but is it possible to treat this as an opportunity, rather than a hill to die on? Obviously the OP has no obligation to cure her SIL of racism, but could her racism be born from ignorance (and made worse by stubbornness and entitlement)? Maybe the OP (or her brother the groom) could educate the bride so the OP won't have such a racist SIL for the rest of her life. It's just possible the bride could be mortified when she realises what she's been doing.
In any case there's NOTHING to lose by trying this before taking the harder approach.

Laterlife · 27/07/2026 12:33

I agree it's racist, 100%. And I don't think you should just let it slide. But I'd put her on the spot with questions so she has to spell it out.

Eg "What do you mean by "will not tolerate", precisely? Are you saying that we should not come to the wedding if I have not straightened my children's hair? My brother's wedding? Are you serious?
And what is the problem with their Afro hair? Does (brother) know you're singling my kids out like this, because you haven't asked (sister) to straighten (niece's) blond curls. Why is it different for DS and DD?
It's deeply upsetting.

penelopepocket · 27/07/2026 12:43

i was looking at the dress code for my DS’s new 6th form the other day and they adhere to The Halo Code regarding respect of black hairstyles. Maybe send your SIL a copy of it so she can see she’s being a racist twat 😡

LeedsLoiner · 27/07/2026 12:50

How about a compromise?
Don't touch the children's hair but get two red, gold and green knitted Rasta Caps and tuck their hair into them.
The Bridezilla doesn't have see their curls and the hats will add a splash of colour and really pop out in the photos !

ilovesushi · 27/07/2026 15:39

Laterlife · 27/07/2026 12:33

I agree it's racist, 100%. And I don't think you should just let it slide. But I'd put her on the spot with questions so she has to spell it out.

Eg "What do you mean by "will not tolerate", precisely? Are you saying that we should not come to the wedding if I have not straightened my children's hair? My brother's wedding? Are you serious?
And what is the problem with their Afro hair? Does (brother) know you're singling my kids out like this, because you haven't asked (sister) to straighten (niece's) blond curls. Why is it different for DS and DD?
It's deeply upsetting.

100% these are the questions to ask.

cloudtreecarpet · 27/07/2026 15:42

LeedsLoiner · 27/07/2026 12:50

How about a compromise?
Don't touch the children's hair but get two red, gold and green knitted Rasta Caps and tuck their hair into them.
The Bridezilla doesn't have see their curls and the hats will add a splash of colour and really pop out in the photos !

??

ilovemykindle · 27/07/2026 15:49

I'm so sad that your children are being asked to straighten their hair.
Does your brother think this ok.
This is blatant racism.
I'm white and can't believe that someone can ask this and thinks it's ok.

Greenmouldycheese · 27/07/2026 15:50

If they are part of a wedding party then I get it. Theres normally a uniform look to the dress and hair. If they arent part of the wedding party then I dont see why it matters.

Edit. Just read that other nice has curly hair and hasnt been asked to straighten it. Your sil is the unreasonable one here.

AwayWiththeGoblins · 27/07/2026 15:54

Greenmouldycheese · 27/07/2026 15:50

If they are part of a wedding party then I get it. Theres normally a uniform look to the dress and hair. If they arent part of the wedding party then I dont see why it matters.

Edit. Just read that other nice has curly hair and hasnt been asked to straighten it. Your sil is the unreasonable one here.

Edited

What a bizarre post. I mean, are you planning to paint the wedding party's skin tones so they achieve the requisite 'uniform' look?

Fiftyandnotsonifty · 27/07/2026 16:13

LeedsLoiner · 27/07/2026 12:50

How about a compromise?
Don't touch the children's hair but get two red, gold and green knitted Rasta Caps and tuck their hair into them.
The Bridezilla doesn't have see their curls and the hats will add a splash of colour and really pop out in the photos !

Don’t be stupid

OneNewEagle · 27/07/2026 16:49

how awful. Do not agree. I’ve got very curly hair, I’m in my 50s. I’ve never even straightened it , I’d not even know how to. I just wash then Afro comb or run my fingers through it that’s it. I had a lot of horrible attention about my hair growing up and horrific bullying at school. this sounds just the same, so sorry for your kids.

godmum56 · 27/07/2026 17:02

Greenmouldycheese · 27/07/2026 15:50

If they are part of a wedding party then I get it. Theres normally a uniform look to the dress and hair. If they arent part of the wedding party then I dont see why it matters.

Edit. Just read that other nice has curly hair and hasnt been asked to straighten it. Your sil is the unreasonable one here.

Edited

omg

Service Omg GIF by Starry Internet
Paganpentacle · 27/07/2026 17:08

theresbeautyinwindysun · 26/07/2026 09:40

I would find her messages offensive and no way would I straighten their hair

This 100%.
No way.
Just... no.

Paganpentacle · 27/07/2026 17:09

Greenmouldycheese · 27/07/2026 15:50

If they are part of a wedding party then I get it. Theres normally a uniform look to the dress and hair. If they arent part of the wedding party then I dont see why it matters.

Edit. Just read that other nice has curly hair and hasnt been asked to straighten it. Your sil is the unreasonable one here.

Edited

WTAF?

Paganpentacle · 27/07/2026 17:13

And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

OP... this is a hill I would die on.
She can fuck her wedding right off and keep on going.

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