AIBU for refusing to straighten my kids hair for my brothers wedding?

[dramaisalifestyle]

Next week is my brother's wedding. We are all super excited to welcome my sister-in-law to the family. Obviously this wedding has been planned for months now and up until yesterday I was under the assumption that my kids hairstyle during the wedding didn't really matter.

I have two DC (8 year old daughter, 4 year old son). They are half black, half white. I'm white, as is my extended family. My kids have really curly hair, my daughter has 4A hair and my son has 4B hair.

Yesterday my kids re-tried their outfits for the wedding, just to make sure the outfits still fit. My SIL asked for confirmation, so I sent her a text and I said that the kids outfits still fit. That's when she sent me a text in response asking me if I can straighten my daughters hair for the wedding, and if possible can I straighten my sons hair aswell. Now I've never straightened my kids hair in order to avoid heat damage, they are way too young to understand the damage that straightening their hair can cause. So I told my SIL that I'm not comfortable straightening their hair, but if she has any hairstyles in mind that would work for curly hair, just let me know.

She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.

I also got a text from my DM telling me to keep the peace and to just straighten their hair for this one occasion. However, I'm still reusing to straighten their hair, it's really unhealthy for their hair especially when they are too young to understand.

AIBU?

I referenced that in my quote! The request is madness!

What an asshole your SIL is

@dramaisalifestyle

I wouldn't respond to the Bridezilla at all. I'd message my brother; "'Mary' has demanded that I straighten my children's beautiful hair or the wedding will be 'ruined'. Obviously I will not be straightening their hair, it is beautiful and a part of their heritage. We are so sorry that we will have to miss your wedding". Let him deal with her. Or not, if he is a 'whipped' coward.

By standing up for your children, even if they are too young to understand it now, at some point they will understand this lesson in being proud of every inch of who they are, and also of who their father is.

Very disappointing that your mother is also siding withnthe racism and microaggessions towards her own grandchildren to placate the future sil.

Terrible behaviour and attitude for sil, I would let her either dig a bigger hole or get herself out of one. Ask her what styles she wants them to have, ask for pics inspiration . See if it's a slight tidy trim up or some damaging experience for the children have it nicely screenshot for future clarity. Cause it sounds like your going to need it!

Have you and your sister decided what to do next?
Are you going to challenge her? What are you going to do now?

So you would compromise your own integrity and your saw a seed in tie kids head they need to fit in with racists do to placate another racist. Why should anyone change their hair texture just to appease racist people. Why should black kids grow up thinking they need to straighten hair to be accepted?
Your comment just shows how not standing up to racism is actually supporting it.

There is literally nothing that OP has said about her future SIL that would lead you to think that she is generally a decent person.

Does this sound reasonable or kind:

'She didn't respond for like 30 minutes. And then when she did respond she said that she thinks it's quite rude for me to try and dictate her wedding. And that she expects their hair to be straight on her wedding day. She said she won't tolerate their hair not being straight for the wedding.'

SIL has since responded to OP's sister to agree that OP's sister's daughter, who is not mixed race, can leave her very curly hair unstraightened to show off her curls and that her hair will look lovely. That's a very different response than the one she sent to OP saying that she won't tolerate OP's kids' hair not being straight for her wedding. This is blatant racism on SIL's part.

I’d tell your DM what she has done - as in the obviously different treatment of the other niece and your DC- and tell your DM to send your DB round to yours immediately for a serious conversation. I would have it out with your DB and make him sort it out. Either she apologises properly or you’re not going.

Ok so your SIL is just being racist then. I would be uncomfortable even attending tbh.

I am so sorry that you and your DC have been the victims of this OP. Your future SIL's actions are some of the most malevolent racism that I have ever had the misfortune to read about. I think your DM's reaction is really disappointing too, I think she and your DB need to sort this out now.

Otherwise, I don't think any of you can go to the wedding as it wouldn't be fair on your DC to subject them to this. I suggest you hold onto all the message (including SIL's initial text exchange about hair straightening) just in case she denies it later and comes up with some false story about why none of you are there. If you choose, you could circulate these messages around your wider family & friends to illustrate the real reasons.

@dramaisalifestyle , what's your brother's position on this matter?

This is so discusting.

Your SIL may not realise that her preference is based on racist ideas and she needs to fucking wind her neck in. YANBU.

Sorry OP, I think your mum's reaction is just as bad! These are her grandchildren ffs. I don't see any way back from this tbh.

understand your dilemma, we straightened our granddaughter pretty blond curls for a party once and now she wants that way all the time! Lots of ways to go about this and much advice too. It depends how much it upsets you to straighten their natural hair

Would your sister text SIl and say.

”great. Is there a hair chip for X too? They are going to look so cute with matching hair chips and luscious curls. I can collect them both when I’m next at mums as I’m seeing her in a few days”.

Trap SIL into having to admit to your sister she is treating them differently and explain herself.

That text to your sister from stb sister in law shows what a racist cow she is.

I would tell your brother so at least he is aware what he is marrying. Hell would freeze over before I changed my daughters hair.

As I said upthread I dont think much of your Mum either. She should be disgusted at her future dil and telling her that her grandaughter has lovely hair. There can be no excuses for brideszillas behaviour.

Hopefully when op and CC (curly children )then up sil to be will flounce off into the sunset and save her db a lot of trouble .

Sorry didn’t get to finish my post. It does sound like this has upset you, so you could send a message to the bride saying you do not intend to straighten the children's hair as it is part of them (or their identity) and leave at that, see what the response is before you plan a day out with your children, if she responds she has withdrawn then it’s on her and frankly it will make her look bad. Sometimes being silent says so much more so try not to retaliate or explain. Brides can behave badly but let it settle.

It's beside the point anyway. I would not pander to this racist request. My daughter (now adult) is mixed and did eventually get her hair straightened but it was her choice not somebody's mad demand.

I'd say sure I'll straighten their hair, would you like me to bleach their skin while I'm at it😵‍💫🤯? (Obviously being sarcastic here!)

Please don't miss your brothers wedding. Don't straighten the childrens hair either. But do attend the wedding, your brother is getting married it's his wedding too. He is their uncle too. The bride won't be affected in anyway! She should be too busy marrying the love of her life?!

Sorry again meant to say give the bride the option of either withdrawing her request for straight hair or withdrawing your invitation (which will make her look like a bitch as the story is likely to come out). I believe I’d say no for straightening hair as it could keep coming up at special family occasions. Silence is a strong tool much better than bitter words. So say your price and then be quiet and wait.

Is she a reader? Buy her a copy of How To Be An Anti-Racist by Ibram X Kendi. He’s an American author so the history and his experience is more America-focused but I am still finding it a really enlightening and helpful read. I’d recommend anyone reads it to be honest.

Madness!
I’m all for keeping the peace, but bloody hell …
YANBU.