DH and MIL took DS for first shoes fitting without me

[hairfryer]

This is something that happened a long time ago and I am “over it” but have always wondered if I was unreasonable. DH, MIL and other members of his extended family took my first born for his first shoe fitting without me. I had just started back at work after mat leave and they took him on a weekend while I was working. The first I knew of it was when I got home and they showed me the shoes with a pic of my sister-in-law holding DS’s hand as he tried them on. I was devastated, but didn’t let on, and was already pregnant with DS2 at the time so have always wondered if hormones made me more sensitive. MIL had made a point of saying she wanted to pay for his first shoes so I think that was her reasoning. My MIL has otherwise, in many of the ways that matter, been lovely over the years. How would you have felt?

I would have been pissed off yes.

But I'd expect my OH to know me well enough to know that I'd want to me there for it

I just don’t see it as a huge milestone. Yes it’s a milestone but there’s tons in a child’s life. Sounds like they were being helpful and maybe also paying?

Why in earth would i have an issue with this? I dont own my child

I'm not sure buying shoes is a milestone to be honest.

No not for me but the likes of Clark’s sell you a photo package..

I would have been glad there was one less chore on my to-do list. I'd be even happier if MIL took over all shoe buying - they cost me a fortune and I'm sick of visits to the shoe shop.

I think either MIL or my mum took DS for his first shoes too — can’t remember which, so it clearly didn’t cut me to the heart. The idea was also that they wanted to pay for the shoes.

First shoe fitting? No, it’s not a thing.

No idea why you would be upset..

I'd have been a bit miffed. I'd want to decide what kind of shoes and when we bought them, and chosen them with my partner. We have cute pictures from Clark's for both of ours.

I bought all my grandchildren their first shoes, DS and I went and got my first granddaughter’s as DIL was at work - she was fine as I was paying she said she felt that DS should be the parent there and that was the only day he could do so she missed it. The next 3 I just sent the money and she took them and bought them.

i know pay for their school shoes every august for the new year and their winter coats at the same time, sometimes I’m there sometimes I send money, it’s just the way it works.

its a tradition I started, I have a friend who says I’m overstepping and her DIL wouldn’t be happy. But my DIL seems ok, so I’ve just kept it up

It would have annoyed me, but devastated? Come on. I was devastated when my parents revealed their terminal cancer diagnoses.

I honestly don’t see why this should be an issue. Why is it important to buy your child’s first shoes? 🤣🤣

I would have been very upset and it was extremely thoughtless of them (but I would be able to accept that no harm was meant, especially as you say MIL has generally been lovely). Would it help you let it go if you told MIL how upset you were? In as lighthearted a way as possible obviously, I don't meant start a row about it.

I would have been upset. But there was a lot of history between in-laws and me. Luckily (now ex) DP knew this kind of thing mattered to me and wouldn't have gone without me.

I’m so sorry about your parents 💐 I think there was definitely some overreaction on my part due to pregnancy hormones. I’ve just always wondered if folk in a regular state of mind would’ve had an issue with this. From the replies, I guess not, which makes me feel bad for my lovely MIL who was obviously trying to do a nice thing. I was definitely off with her for a bit. Hopefully I’ve made it up to her since!

My FIL was desperate to sort out ds’s first shoes, so we took him along & he paid for them & then we all went for lunch.

Dd1 - well, at ds’s shoe fitting they’d tried quite hard to upsell us ‘your other little boy’s crawling shoes’. Dd1 was wearing her brother’s hand me down stripey jumper & managing to crawl quite well without shoes. So we didn’t return to Clarks, & she got her first shoes from Next. I think. Might’ve been Sainsburys tbh.

Dd2? No idea. I assume she started wearing shoes at some point between birth & waltzing happily out the door in my vintage New Rocks & Irregular Choice, but I’m buggered if I can recall making a ceremony out of it.

I would let them get on with it. It’s a bit of a rip off, but it’s MIL being ripped off not you, it’s well intentioned, & if you keep things friendly now, you have a good foundation for future gifts you might not love/might want to steer things a bit.

I think, we as mothers think we need to do it all and be there for everything. I just had a think and my husband had no input in shoe buying at all. Just putting myself in your husband’s position.
If my mother had accompanied me and paid for the shoes he would have paid no heed at all and thought isn’t that kind.
I definitely know where you are coming from though.

I’d have been upset yes. Taking your child for their first pair of shoes for me is a milestone and i’d be upset my DH didn’t even consider that.

Wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest. I really don't see it asea major milestone.

My memory of shoe shopping- it was one of the worst chores especially when they got to the age where they didn't like anything that was in their size. Plus the cost! Don’t remember first shoes for any of my 4 - obviously not a significant milestone. .

I can’t remember taking either of my sons to their first shoe fitting. I do remember finding later trips a PITA because we tended to buy them just before school started in the summer so they’d last as long as possible and so there was always a big queue. If someone had bought and paid for them and saved me a trip then I’d have been delighted.

I'd have been upset. Totally thoughtless of them.

If they were getting excited about it being a first shoe fitting, they'd have had some insight to the fact that it was an important moment for people involved.

I would have been very upset. For our family, buying first shoes was a milestone and we went down the shops together as a special trip to be fitted and choose some.

I wouldn’t have been upset about the shoes, especially as your DMIL is generally lovely. What would upset me, but probably not lots of others, would be if they had taken DS for his first haircut.