DH and MIL took DS for first shoes fitting without me

[hairfryer]

This is something that happened a long time ago and I am “over it” but have always wondered if I was unreasonable. DH, MIL and other members of his extended family took my first born for his first shoe fitting without me. I had just started back at work after mat leave and they took him on a weekend while I was working. The first I knew of it was when I got home and they showed me the shoes with a pic of my sister-in-law holding DS’s hand as he tried them on. I was devastated, but didn’t let on, and was already pregnant with DS2 at the time so have always wondered if hormones made me more sensitive. MIL had made a point of saying she wanted to pay for his first shoes so I think that was her reasoning. My MIL has otherwise, in many of the ways that matter, been lovely over the years. How would you have felt?

It is important to note, Mumsnet truth notwithstanding, that it was not the In laws who committed this particular offence-it was the child’s father and the OP’s significant other. Stop trying to on it on the MIL!!!

I had the same feelings when DH took our son for his first haircut and I didn’t know.

maybe silly to be upset but you can’t help how you feel!

I’d be annoyed as (maybe because I’m a former kids shoe fitter?) his first shoes were important to me. I wanted to know they’d been probably fit and that they were good quality shoes, and that they were nice! My DH knew that though.

In lots of other ‘firsts’ respects I wouldn’t have been bothered at all.

I've never heard of a first shoe fitting being a thing that anyone cares about, and even if you do consider it a milestone of sorts, it's not one that matters in the long or even medium run.

Insisting on treating every mundane first as a Special Milestone and insisting you have to do it is basically foreshadowing the inevitable complaint of having to do everything, the mental load etc etc a few years down the line. If you don't let others help then they will indeed let you do it all.

But you realise this would be unhinged behaviour, surely?

This would have annoyed me too, OP. But now that I have grandchildren, I use how I was treated as a template of how not to treat a DIL.

I disagree with the pp’s who think you are overreacting. They’re looking at it from the vantage point of a parent who is long past the first baby stage and probably several babies down the line. They have forgotten what is like to have your first baby and marvelling at each small milestone. I think your MIL overstepped. By the way, I have a scan of the photo and card Clark's give you when you buy your child's first shoes in my digital albums and have the original photo and Clark's card somewhere. I certainly didn't throw it out. The experience of buying their first shoes certainly is "a thing".

Different things are important to different people, I have 4 children and have never felt the urge to worry about first of anything for any of them. I suspect I'm hardened to it by working full time.

Did everyone know you would want to be there for this, if so it's probably more significant then if no one knew.

I'm sure you are sick of shoe fittings by now, let it go no harm has been down either way.

I'm quite sentimental, I'd have been upset by this. Found my dc first shoes in a keepsake box last weekend and it brought tears to my eyes 🥲

I think it's hard when you've been with your DC 24/7,if you've enjoyed it, and then go back to work. This probably just hit that nerve, rather than being about the shoes.

How lovely your DS has so many lovely family members and you were so well supported in going back to work.

Maybe if your second child hasn’t been fitted for their first shoes yet make a point of saying you would like to go this time so your husband knows.

That would have been a big thing for me @hairfryer and I would have been really upset too.

First shoes are (or were) a really bad thing in my family to the point of getting the first shoes silver plated!😅 My sisters and I have not carried down that particular tradition, but we have all definitely saved our DC's first shoes. Choosing them was very important.

Wouldn't bother me but we're all different and totally understandable to feel miffed.

Why did your dh go along with it, why didn't he speak up and say 'no no think dw would like to be involved'?

It'd funny isn't it the stuff we keep. I found a 'first' pair I'd kept the other day and thought what on earth am I hanging on to these for!

I think the ball was in your dh's court on this. He's the joint parent and if he felt this was an issue he should have said at the time. Not your mils fault, she was just doing a nice thing. When she had told you she wanted to pay for their first shoes maybe at that point you should have just said that that would be lovely but that you'd like to be there too.

I had a friend who got really angry with her DH for taking their DD out for the morning and feeding the ducks for the first time without asking her first. She had form for that kind of thing, like what food DD can try, what clothes she should be dressed in and so on.

Fast forward five years and after successfully training her DH to always check with her first, she then complained about the mental load and why can't he just do things without asking her?

I’d be pissed off with this. Im
still upset that my child’s nursery ( 18years ago) gave him his first solid food without my permission.

I wouldn’t care one bit. My DM took my son for his first haircut without saying anything and I was pleased as it saved me going.

Not that it’s the same band I think if I put down the list of things MIL tried to push on us I would come off sounding ungrateful. One thing I’ll say though from all of it is I disliked her handmade dreamcatcher. Something about hanging this thing that was unraveling and not particularly artistic. I hated how it was at the crib. It’s no longer up there.

DH had a word about the overstepping with other things and she got upset.

I think first shoes is a milestone, yes. It's not a Clarks thing. I was born early 80s and remember my grandfather painting my first shoes silver (I suppose they had been scuffed). I think that was because he viewed them as something to keep.

Yes OP. I would have been annoyed too. I think you have been very rational about it all and cam recognise MIL has been kind over the years but you were not unreasonable at all to be pissed off. Your DH should have known better. But I do find men can be clueless about things and do need it spelled out for them.

If it was done simply out of generosity, that's fine (if you overlook the fact that someone might have realised that it possibly could be a thing that mum wanted to be involved in, for whatever reason).
If instigated by MiL in order to deliberately sidestep mum and do something snarky just because, then clearly that'd be out of order. (I haven't addressed DH's role - could/should have made sure mum knew/was involved in advance).

Of course, OP, as you can see from the replies this is typical Mumsnet and people would be pleased their MIL did them a favour as it saved them a chore 😅😅😅
For a website called MUMsnet, I am always amazed at how few people actually like doing things with their kids. No 'first' is ever important or special etc. Quite weird really.

I love spending time with my children and was glad to be the person to take my children swimming for the first time, on the swings etc. Buying shoes, not so much. I did take them but didn’t think of asking my husband if he wanted to be present. I can’t remember buying my children their first shoes but I imagine they cried a lot- and shoe shopping hadn’t got easier 12 years on so I’d be glad if anyone did it for us!

Me too on this one. I’d have been really upset - it was a very long journey to have my one DC and moments like that were very precious. History there too with my ex MIL slamming through reasonable boundaries and my ex DH doing nothing about it.

I think l'd be thrilled because we had a hellish job finding shoes broad enough for our DC 😂