DH and MIL took DS for first shoes fitting without me

[hairfryer]

This is something that happened a long time ago and I am “over it” but have always wondered if I was unreasonable. DH, MIL and other members of his extended family took my first born for his first shoe fitting without me. I had just started back at work after mat leave and they took him on a weekend while I was working. The first I knew of it was when I got home and they showed me the shoes with a pic of my sister-in-law holding DS’s hand as he tried them on. I was devastated, but didn’t let on, and was already pregnant with DS2 at the time so have always wondered if hormones made me more sensitive. MIL had made a point of saying she wanted to pay for his first shoes so I think that was her reasoning. My MIL has otherwise, in many of the ways that matter, been lovely over the years. How would you have felt?

MN bingo!

Don't complain about any family member because other people have dead family.

I’m just fine, no need to worry!

You go with that approach if you wish, but aI don’t think that a child’s mother should be disrespected. My late DM would never have overstepped like that and my aunt has been very supportive and caring to my cousins without overstepping. She always asked if it was ok to give her DGC sweets, let alone taking them for their first shoes!!

Families have different expectations and cultures. It is not normal in my or DH’s families for DGPs to behave like this.

What utter nonsense. I have great relationships with both our families - because no one would dream of behaving like OP’s MIL has done.

Are Clarks really charging for a "photo package" these days? We got a Polaroid in a little cardboard frame thing with the date and shoe size on. Totally free.

Absolutely this.

The in laws are way out of order and the DH needs to understand this.

I think I’d have been sad if they’d seen it as a milestone and done it without me. If they’d just thought “Oh, the baby needs shoes and we’re out shopping so we might as well get them”, that would be ok. But if they’re a family who make everything into a milestone then doing it without you is a bit mean.

All of that. She'd told you that she'd like to buy them. You were fine with that. It seems that you thought she was just going to give you the money for them, while she meant that she would actually do the buying.

It was natural for her to go with her son, but I'd have expected him to tell you of the plan.

Why are you invalidating OP’s feelings? You’re not the barometer by which all emotions are measured.

Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and others are entitled to say they're ridiculous.

That's how feelings work. Individual to everyone.

Same as OP being 'devastated' doesn't mean she is the barometer by which all emotions are measured. It works both ways.

Therapists validate feelings. It doesn't mean everyone else has to or that therapy-speak should be weaponised to criticise others.

Wouldn't have bothered me one bit

I didn’t even realise people treated it as a ‘milestone’ tbh.

Honestly don’t remember either of mine even getting their first shoes!

Normality is the barometer. Being devastated over this is well outside the range of normal and is ridiculous. OP should be grateful she has had no reason to actually be devastated. Shall I tell you what's devastating? A cancer diagnosis.

I think it’s easy to say it’s not a big deal when you’re past that stage of life, but at the time, I’d have been pissed

Disappointed maybe. Devastated, no. I didn’t know first shoe fitting was a milestone.

I dont really think of it as an important milestone. Id have been pleased MIL paid for the shoes and happy to get a cute picture. I dont think youre unreasonable though if it was something you were looking forward to doing yourself. Id be annoyed with DH if he knew that you felt it was a special milestone that you wanted to do but my H wouldnt have had a clue so I dont think you can be cross if that wasnt communicated to him.

When my sons grow up I will have to remember what's required as a Mil according to MN;

• not take gc to buy shoes
• always be available for baby-sitting
• never ask to have the gc over- just state availability
• never give them sweets or anything deemed to be unhealthy- get detailed list of what is allowed from dil
• don't call too often and never ask your son for anything
• wait a month before you ask if you can see your newborn gc

-don't Kiss or touch gc in case you will contaminate them with your old germs -never buy any toys, books, clothes that haven't been cleared with dil as suitable

The list can go on I suppose. Or I can just hope that my sons meet some normal girls. I have to tell Mil that she's bloody lucky to have me as a dil because we've never had any problems. (Yes, I know some mils are horrible and abusive- it's just that it seems impossible for a normal person to meet MN standards...)

Yes, my mother, my uncle, my brother, my sister, and one of my closest friends have all died of cancer. But that doesn’t give me the monopoly on feelings.

Have they been happy to take DS and pay for shoes since the first pair OP? If they only wanted to do the first pair then I would be really pissed off as they obviously acknowledge that the first fitting actually is important and a bit of a milestone.

Also, it clearly is a ‘thing’ - someone thread said they got a Polaroid in a cardboard frame. So it clearly is an event to many.

It would have upset me

I couldn’t have cared less

No, just the first pair but they’ve been very generous in other ways. I know my reaction was over-the-top, and I’ve honestly been wondering myself why it affected me so much at the time which is why I’m asking here. A PP said it might have been tied into my own guilt about going back to work and “missing out”, and that resonates. Coupled with pregnancy hormones I think it was a perfect storm! Also my MIL is herself a very sentimental mum, which I think is why she was so keen to do it. But that’s also why I thought she’d understand I’d have liked to come along. I’m honestly not a nightmare DIL 🤣 I’m actually pretty laidback, and I get that my children and I are lucky to have such a generous and supportive extended family; many don’t.

I don't think your reaction is over the top at all. Some people are more sentimental than others (I'm one of them) and, perhaps slightly differently as I'm disabled, but there are so many things I can't do with the kids that the milestones I can reach with them are so important to me.

Your feelings are valid. Your MIL had her turn and 'firsts' and yes, your husband was there which is great but it could have been booked for when you ALL could have gone, so, at best... it was incredibly thoughtless because it was a milestone that was 'your turn'.

Even if it's never raised with them, I'd make sure for any future milestones that you clearly express that you want to be there. You shouldn't have to expressly state that because you'd assume as child's Mum, that you would be (or at least be extended an invitation!)

It is perfectly acceptable to set clear boundaries that both parents need to be consulted about milestones to prevent it happening again, no matter how excited other family members are.

WTF? Why are you being so weird? I'm stating my opinion. Do you think that everyone is saying they have a monopoly on feelings every time they state what they feel about something? You're making no sense whatsoever.

No not for me but the likes of Clark’s sell you a photo package..
Are you serious?