DH and MIL took DS for first shoes fitting without me

[hairfryer]

This is something that happened a long time ago and I am “over it” but have always wondered if I was unreasonable. DH, MIL and other members of his extended family took my first born for his first shoe fitting without me. I had just started back at work after mat leave and they took him on a weekend while I was working. The first I knew of it was when I got home and they showed me the shoes with a pic of my sister-in-law holding DS’s hand as he tried them on. I was devastated, but didn’t let on, and was already pregnant with DS2 at the time so have always wondered if hormones made me more sensitive. MIL had made a point of saying she wanted to pay for his first shoes so I think that was her reasoning. My MIL has otherwise, in many of the ways that matter, been lovely over the years. How would you have felt?

The first I knew of it was when I got home and they showed me the shoes with a pic of my sister-in-law holding DS’s hand as he tried them on.

good god, talk about rubbing it in! There's one thing being in the shop but a whole ther thing posing for a photo and then showing it to you after you'd been working, jeez. The SIL must have enjoyed that, does she hate you that much?

What a bizarre statement

It would have annoyed me too. It would have been different if they'd asked you before and you said you didn't mind but they went at a time when they knew you weren't there. They must see it as a big deal as why did they take photos of it.

At the time, yes I would have been miffed and my MIL was prone to what was, in my view at the time, overstepping on things. Looking back now many years later, I’d struggle to care. I think when you get so many years down the line and have bought a million pairs of shoes, it feels less of a “thing” and perhaps that was where your MIL head was at…neglecting of course that it would have been a first for you and you would have felt differently. Hopefully there was no malice behind it but only you would know that based on your relationship with your MIL over the years.

Wouldn’t have given a fuck. I have no memory of getting my DCs first pair of shoes.

And of course this is the in-law’s fault-not the other parent’s……

I don’t get why everyone is focussing on the MIL. She was led by her son. If he’d said to her that his wife would want to be there I’m sure she would have waited until that could be arranged.

if anything, be annoyed at DH but leave your poor MIL out of it

Really Another way of ripping people off

Can't say I'd have given a shiny shit about buying shoes. In fact I'd have welcomed someone else taking my ( very uncooperative ) first born and saving me the hassle of tantrums on measuring and refusing to put shoes on her feet a

your DCs father took them, no different to you going without him.

I can’t even remember buying either of my DCs first shoes … they both were in soft shoes for a while that aren’t fitted, at some point I must have bought hard soled shoes but have no recollection of it looking back. It’s certainly not a milestone in my mind

Blimey,it used to be free !

I took ds when dh was at work, I hope he hasn't resented me all these years.

As someone said above I’d have assumed dh knew me and would have thought I’d wanted to be there- if they took a picture they knew it was something important enough. Saying that I’ve done firsts with the kids that dh probably would have liked to be there for and only really thought about it afterwards. I do hope you at least asked did he not think you wanted to be there?

I’ll be honest, i would have loved a mil who wanted to be part of my DCs lives, I can count on one hand how many times she visited us in their whole childhood, and for 12 years we lived 30 miles from her, she drives! She’s ex mil now, was pretty rude to me when I saw her at a funeral (my ex had asked me if I wanted to come)

Exactly this.
I can imagine when I was in that time of "first child firsts" this would have bothered me but now, years later, I can't actually remember taking my first born for their first shoes - was it just me or me & her dad?

These things seem so important at the time but as time goes on and the important moments (many of which are much more important) increase, they become less so.

First shoes is a real "meh" for me.

I would suggest you focus on the fact that your child’s grandparents are generous, kind and trying to be good grandparents. They didn’t try to cheat you out of witnessing one of your child’s milestones -I expect the thought never occurred to them.

Think it’s perfectly usual for mums to want to be involved in all babies “firsts”.

As they grow up you realise this is impossible and eventually stop being so demanding about ime.

in this case I’d have been less annoyed because his own dad took him whilst you worked. I’d have been more annoyed if other family took them without mentioning to me or his dad first.

It was one of those moments I had built up in my own head taking my little girl for her own shoe fitting. Almost like a montage of moments as your child grows up and this is one of those moments..

Took her to Clarks and didn't like the shoes as they all seemed hard at the back of the foot so that experience of lovely staff measuring her feet and getting them from there never happened. That little moment where we measure feet, my daughter looks up and smiles and we walk out of the shop hand in hand with lovely new shoes.

Instead we plodded over to another shop,.don't want to say the shops name, but it lets just say it was a big comedown from Clarks. No staff to ask to measure her feet, think i got whizzed over a shoe guide instead by teenager that didn't want to be there! Shop packed in like sardines and by then toddler playing up and in a red mist. Grabbed a niceish looking pair of shoes, tried them on, they fitted and left as quick as we could. Reality nothing like the mini magical moment I had in my head!! Sometimes those beautiful moments happen unplanned and not necessarily a milestone moment. Now daughter is older,.I see it as a bit of a non issue. I never look back and think, aww that was a shame!

A bit upset YANBU
Devastated YABU

Maybe, maybe not. I guess that’s why she put the quotations? I think you can move past something in that you’re not dwelling on it every day but it can still bring up mixed feelings or question marks when it comes to mind. It’s not ruining your day but it’s a little niggle or a pondering?
I agree being completely over something in the sense you don’t even think about it is different.

I would have been annoyed at that stage of my life. The fact that they took photos and lots of them went suggests they knew it was a big mile stone.

My mil did a lot of this sort of thing but its funny because my kids are older now and I see her do it with my young nieces and nephews and ive just come to realise she gets so excited about being grandma she that she forgets about all the other people and can be very insensitive without meaning to be.

I would just use this to set a president that grandma buys all shoes forever. Ive got 4 sets football boots to buy this summer. Sweaty tween boys is a significantly less cute experience!

Happy to hear you came to your senses. I would have found it lovely if my dh and Mil had done this. A Milestone is dc's first word, learning to walk etc. And you can't be sure to be there if you're not a sahm.

Having said that- when I'm in a hormonal bad place I have been known to cry because dh forgot to buy frozen peas from the shops so I do understand the hormonal overreaction. I cringe at myself for stuff like this. Then again I don't blow up at people for it (luckily) just cry in my corner (never in front of my children). Dh now knows that this will pass and I will come to my senses.

Can understand that view, it’s genuinely nice that they want to be active in their grandchildren’s lives. I agree they should get to do fun stuff with them.
I suppose the difference is when a parent wants to be involved in something and is able to but doesn’t get the opportunity. Families are all so different which I guess is where situations like this can arise where one person thinks it’s no big deal and another is upset. (If everything was done with the best intentions which sounds likely in this case).

Same here. I would have hit the roof with DH when they’d left. In fact I would probably have been so angry I would have taken DS myself the next free day I had, bought new shoes, got the photo etc, binned their photo and put their shoes in a cupboard and only used them as an emergency spare.

I waited and struggled for years to have DC and if anyone had tried to take those firsts away from me I would have exploded. Fortunately my PIL were not thoughtless and inconsiderate.

Except they knew it was impoertant as they took photographs and it was a family outing.

I read the post and recalled an incident just before Dds first Christmas when SIL said she was going to buy her a ride-on toy. I told her that I wanted to buy her first ride-on. Was that a thing 35 years ago 😂?

I can’t recall shoes. I would have been annoyed not to go because I would have been thinking about coordinating with outfits she had.

I have been sensitive to “firsts” with my grandchildren. Last year I had to nag one to take baby to the park. I wanted to fill up child minding days with trips to the park. I knew they wanted to take him for his first trip. He lives at the park now!

The habit we have of photographing everything makes the concept of “firsts” so much more memorable.

So I understand the OPs disappointment.

I see why you were upset I would have been miffed too. But on the flip side my second I never took for a shoe fitting for their first shoes they insisted on wearing their older sibling shoes which they had grown out of and that was that