DH and MIL took DS for first shoes fitting without me

[hairfryer]

This is something that happened a long time ago and I am “over it” but have always wondered if I was unreasonable. DH, MIL and other members of his extended family took my first born for his first shoe fitting without me. I had just started back at work after mat leave and they took him on a weekend while I was working. The first I knew of it was when I got home and they showed me the shoes with a pic of my sister-in-law holding DS’s hand as he tried them on. I was devastated, but didn’t let on, and was already pregnant with DS2 at the time so have always wondered if hormones made me more sensitive. MIL had made a point of saying she wanted to pay for his first shoes so I think that was her reasoning. My MIL has otherwise, in many of the ways that matter, been lovely over the years. How would you have felt?

But is it "communication" or is it making a mountain out of a molehill and being a bit controlling and needing to be involved in every event in the child's life when actually maybe sometimes the dad can do some things himself?

You are shitting me!!! And people fall for that bollocks???

They are shoes, the only person who remembers their first pair of shoes is Forrest Gump

I think part of your feelings could be attributed to resentment and guilt of having to work the weekend. I know how sad I felt when my children would tell me what a good time they had on the Saturday's I had to work, though I never let on.

It's communication because her inlaws overstepped. They knew it was a special occasion which they excluded the mother from
This may or may not have been deliberate rather than thoughtless but either way she absolutely needs to clear the air with her husband. In no way has she been controlling.

You certainly learn things from Mumsnet. It would never have dawned on me that buying a child’s first pair of shoes would be a special event or milestone, or that photos might be taken 🤣🤣🤣. Im not sure I even mentioned to my husband that I’d bought my daughter’s first pair of shoes because I didn’t really think of it as any different to buying another pair of baby shoes, but bought them because she had been walking for a couple of months and her feet needed the extra support.

All of that is insane, you are not OK.

Wouldn't bother me but '1sts' and ILs used to be very, very frequent threads on MN and I haven't seen one for a while so it's interesting you saying this wasn't recent as I assume those threads have fallen out of fashion.

The replies like on this one, fell onto 2 camps, people who wouldn't be bothered and people who would be very upset.

I remember a poster going NC that phrase seems to have fallen out of favour too because MIL had given the GC their 1st chocolate button. The poster wasn't anti-chocolate, just outraged that MIL did it first.

'She had her children, it's your turn now for 1sts' used to be a common reply.

Glad it was one fewer thing to pay for tbh. You're going to buy many, many pairs of shoes.

Did they know? Was it clear? Some people on here say they don't care about first shoes?
Maybe they didn't realise the OP was going to be the type to harbour resentment about this kind of thing?

Maybe the MIL has similar feelings to the OP & wanted to take HER son to buy his child's first shoes? Maybe that is an important milestone for her and she got carried away?
My MIL had a similar thing about buying the first wellies (yes, really!) with her son because she's from a rural background.

I think maybe have a brief chat about it with the DH but not the MIL - it's in the past & will just cause resentment because it will be clear the OP has harboured a grudge about this and it's just not worth the upset.
Also if anyone is at fault here it's the DH anyway, not the MIL.

1. I didn't excuse the dh from this. His fault is obvious
2. yes, it's clear they knew which is why they made a thing of taking photos etc

Let me guess: you also get really angry when you see jobs that need doing and DH doesn't just go ahead and do them on his own initiative?

In her opening post the OP says this happened "a long time ago" and she is just wondering now if it was unreasonable.

The OP describes her MIL as "lovely" in a subsequent post & in no way suggests this became a pattern of behaviour.

So the reason I said your advice was bad is because there is surely no value in raking this up now? What good could possibly come from that?

Oh come on…

Because it would help the op to move on and let go. Or do her feelings not matter simply because it was a long time ago?

OP, this is a normal thing to be upset or “put out” about. I know I would have been.

The OP is an adult. She can "let go" of this minor issue without potential causing family upset over it.
The time to have had a chat with the MIL was at the time, that time has gone.

Now is the time to be an adult, get over it and focus on things in life which really matter.

All these grandparents wanting to buy cute shoes for tiny children. Far more useful if they were taking surly teens to buy their massive, expensive boats but they are nowhere to be seen then!

I would have not minded.
The entire oh mum must be there for every little first is just ridiculous.
The first spit up, first nappy blowout, first smile. first hair cut, first nail trim, first fart, first shoes, first laugh, first steps, first day of nursery, first piece of chocolate….it never freaking ends and my personal opinion is toxic and works to keep women in their place as child minders over everything else.

It is better to centre the celebration of firsts on the child, and not be centring it on whether mum was present or not.

What an amazing, familial bond - MIL wants to pay for his first shoes, be grateful he is surrounded by actual love, manifested in real things, not just 'best wishes'. So good to have a gran and an aunt who gave a shit - many don't.

My FIL did this and it still annoys me when I think of it ten years later!

I think the main thing to take from this thread is -

To some people, the first shoes thing is a big deal.

To some people, it's just a chore.

I am in the latter camp but no shade to people in the first honestly, everyone has different things that are important to them.

If your MIL is otherwise lovely and you have a good relationship, err on the side of - she didn't realise it would matter so much to you and consider being clearer in the future on things that are important for you

Financially this is helping your family out massively.

I hope they are very appreciative.
X

Thank you, this is indeed what I’ve taken from the thread. Seems it’s pretty much an even split 😀 Much as I love MIL, we simply don’t have the kind of open, frank relationship I have with my own mum, for example, so it’s harder to speak up when things bother me. To the people asking about DH, I gave him hell at the time and he apologised, but he just didn’t get why I thought it was a big deal. Thanks all for your insights.